Are We Single Because We’re Sluts?

I guess we should’ve settled down in our twenties like the other good girls.

I read an article recently by one of my favorite Medium writers exploring the perplexing tendency that some so-called feminists have to judge and shame other women’s sexual conduct. This author, like me, believes that if you’re shaming a woman — especially about her sexuality — that’s not feminism. That’s patriarchal oppression wearing a politically correct mask.

I was fascinated when I read the comments* on this article and saw one (from someone who identified herself as a woman) that said — and I’m paraphrasing here — sure, it was fine for women to do what they wanted, sexually, but look at all the women over 35 who are single and lonely. “There are consequences to behavior,” she stated. “Sexual or otherwise.”

As someone who is well over 35 (I’m 43) and single and sometimes lonely, I am truly bewildered — but also fascinated — by women who think being single is a “consequence.” I’ve heard this theory before. Let’s look at what it implies:

• That being in a romantic relationship is the “normal” state of human adulthood.
• That being in a romantic relationship is better than — and perhaps morally superior to — being single.
• That a romantic relationship is a reward for good (virtuous) behavior.
• That only single people experience loneliness.
• That you really ought to have your shit together by the time you’re 35 — and having your shit together means being in a stable relationship in which you never feel lonely.

I’m sorry to say that I get it — I grew up believing that bullshit, too. When I was single at 25 and almost all my friends were married, I was mortified. I felt like I was doing something wrong but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I remember lamenting to my neighbor at the time — who was single and in her 50’s — that I felt like I had fallen too far behind to catch up. (Only now do I look back and cringe on how insensitive it was for me to vent to her about being single and “behind” when she was struggling to make it on her own after a terrible divorce.)

This is the package that we are sold as women: domestic bliss. And yes, we are given every reason to believe that we can easily attain it so long as we make choices that a proper woman, heading toward marriage and motherhood, ought to make. Things like:

• Don’t be a slut.
• Only have sex if you are in love.
• Look at every man as a potential husband.
• Don’t. Be. A. Slut.

I think many of us grow up to learn that the dream of domestic bliss is an illusion. There is no such thing.

People struggle. What we see on the outside of someone else’s coupledom is so often not what is really going on behind closed doors.

I think when you’re “over 35” (to target this reader’s specified demographic), you know this. You’ve been around long enough to see that the dream doesn’t exist.

And yet, incredibly, women will still hold on to this dream, even when it fails them and everyone around them. Even more incredibly, they will still try to sell this dream to others, as if the only way to keep it alive is for us all to drink the Kool-Aid.

So yes, if you’re polyamorous or bi-curious or love casual sex or…you know, if you don’t play by the hetero-normative, sexist rules of the patriarchy, then you’re gonna end up single. And lonely. And it’s gonna suck. But you made that bed with your questionable behavior, so now you have to sleep in it.

But here’s where this all becomes downright hilarious to me. Which rule did I break that caused me to have to endure the “consequence” of being single at 43?

What we see on the outside of someone else’s coupledom is so often not what is really going on behind closed doors.

You see, while I have a very liberal perspective about sex, my own sex life is very conservative. My friends used to call me Samantha Jones because I was the most likely person in the group to say something like “God, I’m so horny right now, I could straddle that bike rack,” at the most random (and usually inopportune) moments. The nickname was doubly funny, however, because my actual sex life has always been relatively tame.

I had two serious boyfriends in my life — one of whom was basically my husband for five years, if not legally, at least in practice. I tried to have a casual sexual relationship with a hot musician — hoping, of course, to turn it into something more. There were lots of makeout sessions with some of the men I dated, but most of them never strayed past a PG-13 rating. Oh, and there was that time I took off my clothes in a Catholic library’s basement and made out with a guy I’d only just started dating.

Maybe that last one is why I’m single and sometimes lonely at 43? Probably, right? That’s just plain slutty. So maybe that’s why I’m now having to live with the consequences of my actions?

Maybe it was because I gave a hot musician a few blow jobs once that my ex didn’t want to marry me, why he cheated on me, why he left me for a younger woman. I mean, I guess that makes sense. Consequence-wise.

God, all those girls whose numbers are in the double digits must be really single and lonely right now. I guess we have plenty of time being as we’re all alone in the world, to consider what we’ve done.

I mean, it’s not possible that I’m single and sometimes lonely for any other reason, right? Certainly there couldn’t be other factors involved here, like:

• Everyone’s path is different.
• Being coupled isn’t the only normal expression of human adulthood.
• We don’t always get what we want.
• We don’t always know what we want.
• Men sometimes leave even the most virtuous (or deliciously scandalous) of women.
• Life is messy, complicated, and unpredictable.
• Shit happens.

No, that couldn’t be. The whole point of patriarchal rules for proper female behavior is to make sure we stay on the right path, which will lead us to the harvest we’ve been dreaming of: husbands, houses, babies, and best of all — no more loneliness.

It’s all very simple, like an instruction manual. Do this and you’ll get that. Do that and you’ll get this.

Except that’s not how life actually works. Nothing is simple. There’s no set of instructions that guarantee you a particular outcome.

Maybe it was because I gave a hot musician a few blow jobs once that my ex didn’t want to marry me, why he cheated on me, why he left me for a younger woman.

And more importantly — being single after 35 is not a punishment. It’s not a “consequence.”

As amusing as I find this mindset (and I don’t mean that rudely — it just feels like such a throwback to the days of Jane Austen), I think it’s frighteningly dangerous to keep perpetuating these myths. It leads to women feeling like failures just because they aren’t paired up. It leads to people getting married to the wrong partner just because they feel like it’s something they’re supposed to check off their to-do list or because they think marriage will “fix” their loneliness. It leads to women being unable to express themselves in the bedroom and men who become sexually frustrated.

As far as I can see, there’s not a scrap of goodness that can come of this mindset. It doesn’t heal us. It doesn’t respect us. It doesn’t move us forward.

Let’s remember, instead, that yes, being single sometimes sucks, but it’s also blissfully freeing. It might be the product of choice or circumstance, but being single is never karmic retribution for having a curious and welcoming vagina.

Don’t drink that Kool-Aid — even if a woman passes you the glass. Go have an orgasm, instead. Especially if you’re single.

© Yael Wolfe 2019

*Please note that I did not link to this article, despite my desire to share it because I don’t feel it would be appropriate to direct people to the comment that I found objectionable. My intention is to open up this discussion here without naming names or putting a target on anyone’s back. That’s not feminism.