RELATIONSHIPS

Are We Searching for Love in the Right Places?

Because starting with ourselves is not a cliché

When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace. — HH the XIV Dalai Lama

If someone asked you, what do most people want, what would you reply? Living in a capitalistic society, for some, it’s likely money would rank at the top. Others might choose health and wellbeing. Another segment could prefer a nurturing romance. Still others might say they simply want happiness.

I’ll take my chances here and say that outside of financial stability, folks just seek to be healthy & happy. If we use this as the premise of a fulfilled life, then it’s important to find out how we go about achieving our goal.

On Having Expectations

Not everyone looking to date does so with the intention of a long-term relationship. That would be like assuming everyone who dates wants to get married. Some folks want companionship or sex or connection with another person (or any other reason —clearly, companionship & connection are not mutually exclusive). For argument’s sake, let’s go with the initial thought of a romantic liaison building towards the “happy” factor.

How we date is as multi-faceted as there are people on the planet. There is no one-size-fits-all. But have you ever stopped to think about how our expectations influence what we consider acceptable for a non-platonic union?

For example, have you ever heard yourself say:

• it’s a dealbreaker if they don’t pay on the first date
• wait several days before calling/texting
• she (or he) has to pursue/chase me
• sex too soon is taboo

No one is suggesting it’s irrational to create boundaries and ideals for what works for you, but we need to understand where and why we have these rules.

To App or Not

Socializing in 2022 is not what it used to be back in the day. And with the past two years of a global pandemic, the dating scene has surely changed. In an era where it seems there’s an app for almost everything, romantic liaisons are popular.

But not everyone is down with finding their match via a virtual connection. Some of us prefer meeting someone the old-fashion way: at the park, library, grocery store, or any number of spots.

Last September, I wrote an article on dating apps:

I’ll admit it reads as one-sided and though my intent was not to “male-bash,” parts of it perpetuate the stereotypes held of men. There are plenty of non-Alpha male mentalities on the planet, and I’m sure the world is filled with millions of honest, kind men. I don’t have statistics, this is just my gut feeling.

Where To Look

Often we think of finding romance, and it’s this perspective of something that is lost. We need to recover this thing called love —is it even possible? But what if what we’re searching for isn’t an external intangible? What if it’s inside of us all along.

Merriam-Webster defines the verb, to search as:

Transitive verb: (1) to look into or over carefully or thoroughly in an effort to find or discover something; (2) to uncover, find, or come to know by inquiry or scrutiny

Intransitive verb: to make painstaking investigation or examination

If we investigate and thoroughly look within ourselves honestly, might we not find what we’re looking for? Among the aspects of our personalities that we truly admire, might we not seek the same in a partner?

In nurturing self-love, we’re in a better position to know what we value in a romance. In learning who we are, we begin to understand that the right place to search starts inside of us. Perhaps most importantly, we might find that we don’t need to look for love and that our happiness cannot be tied to someone else.