Satire

Are There a Lot of First-Person Singular Pronouns?

Or is it just me?

Following the recent publication of my story below, in MuddyUm, I have been asked to clarify the proper use of my preferred personal pronouns.

The following is a straightforward good-practice guide as to how my personal pronouns work in practice.

As stated in my above story, as a giant punsexual, my personal pronouns are fe/fi/fo/fum.

Here are everyday examples of the correct use of my personal pronouns.

Fe replaces he. For example, my friend may say “Lee, earlier today, I tried to steal candy from a baby. Fe slapped my hand away. Turns out fe wasn’t born yesterday.”

Fi [fie] replaces the pronoun his. For example, my friend may ask, “Fred, have you heard about Lee’s new face tattoo of fi favourite Star Wars character? You should’ve seen the Luke on fi face.”

Fo replaces you. For example, my friend may say to me “Lee, what do fo call a fake Willem Dafoe?” “Willem Dafaux.”

Fum replaces the pronoun him. For example, one of my friends may ask another friend, “why does Lee only put 239 beans in his chilli?” “Because one more will be too farty for fum.”

Some would argue the inclusion of preferred personal pronouns complicates language. But as you can see from the above, inclusion makes no discernible difference.

Further evidence can be seen in the following joke, which is told thrice. The first with my preferred personal pronouns, the second without. And the third with what could happen if those unscrupulous Top Writers of Satire, here on Medium, get their dirty little hands on my pronouns.

In

Did you hear about Lee? Fe forgot to take fi meds. Fe believed fe was a sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walking into a bar.

Fe came, fe saw, fe conquered.

Out

Did you hear about Lee? He forgot to take his meds. He believed he was a sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walking into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Shake It All About

Did you hear about the carpenter, Julius Ceaser and the sperm donor? They all forgot to take their meds. They all believed they were Lee, then walked into a bar.

He saw, that he had come. But he did not feel as if he had been conquered.

I hope the above simple explanations regarding preferred personal pronouns have helped to deny any misunderstandings between anyone.

“I may not agree with you, but I will defend to the death your right to make an ass of yourself.” ― Oscar Wilde