Are people in your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime?

Do you know why? What’s your role in someone else’s?

Some of us more mature (in age) folks know this catchy little saying. Some “newbies” don’t.

I realized my teen daughter didn’t and put a sticky note on her bathroom mirror to help her understand. She was having a hard time and couldn’t get her head around why she had this “hummingbird” of a person in her life for only a short bit. She thought they were pretty permanent, happy and hitting on all cylinders — but hummingbird left.

For a REASON is pretty simple: some people come to guide us on something we need or are lacking, then they move on. It’s hard to say if they leave because it suits them more or us more. Typically their lessons center around patience, compassion, or selflessness. Though the time may be short, the lesson may be profound. Big or little, they serve a purpose and go on their way.

I have had plenty of experiences with people like this and no, not all of the lessons were positive. Some lessons were to teach me to stop being naive & walked on, stop being an ex-boyfriend’s mother instead of his partner, and especially painful, stop expecting others to love me like I loved them. All needed. All poignant. All quick.

A SEASON is a little trickier because we have the notion a season is a few months, like a calendar indicates the start of summer. Instead, think broader, like the season of being a young adult, a parent, or an empty nester. Those years combined can be a season. The season you had severe depression if it has subsided (because it never fully goes away, I know) or the season you had an illness (hope you’re past that.)

Some people come into our lives for a purpose for that seasonal, limited time. I doubted that truth until 4 families split right as our kids finished high school the year our oldest son graduated. A friend explained she’d seen it happen time and again. That the “parent season,” held barely by duct tape and string at the end, had finished for those couples. They were together to make and raise kids, then move on. They were ready for their single season (Part 2- the sequel.)

Along those same lines, I think a 2nd or 3rd marriage can constitute a season, as well. With the divorce rate still significant on first marriages and more so on 2nd/3rd, the marriage season for some is merely the gap time between single as young adults and single as mid-lifers or retirees. Hard to look at 5, 10, 15 or 20+ years as a season in some cases, but technically, they can be.

I think in those 2nd/3rd marriages, when you see people cycle in and out of extreme highs and lows as a couple, then it could be a season that maybe should have probably ended — but gained new breath or heart somehow. Those seasons are denoted by markers where a life change occurred and things should of ceased but didn’t. Think of it like they received Seasonal CPR.

The Seasonal CPR helped the married couple re-up. Sometimes the change is intentional like a job relocation and sometimes it’s not, like an unplanned pregnancy. Guess what? You’re knee deep then — can’t go changing anything now.

How do you know it’s a season if you think this is happening in your relationship? Ask yourself (or if you have that openness, your partner) this question:

We’d break up but ______ (we are moving, he got promoted, she just lost her mother, Junior still has 4 years left until college, whatever.)

Yeah. That answer. Guess what? A couple years from now, you’ll have a new something to fill in the blank. Grand kids. Downsizing the house. Kids getting married. Somebody’s now unhealthy.

Up and down they go, like roller coaster cars that probably should have had the brakes checked 5 years ago. But nope! Ride it some more.

Can a SEASON run long to morph into a lifetime? Sure (that was my parents.) The reflection question there is, would we ultimately be happy it did? Did we want it to? If not, were we willing to change and then maybe take on another person for the perceived remainder of our lives?

Some people fear being uncomfortable. They don’t fear the change- they don’t mind the change. But they fear their security getting out of whack and are too tired to start over. Because of that, they allow what should have been short stretch into a lifetime.

But a LIFETIME person is easy to see. You can’t call it that though until you’re past a substantial chunk of your life. I marvel at the couples, and I’ve known a few, who have been each other’s “lifer” since day 1. Two of the couples went to prom together in high school and are still married heading into their twilight years.

Lots of us know couples like this- grandparents, great aunts & uncles, etc. They’re the mold many of us would like to have followed, but too bad so sad, it’s too late. We missed our window of lifer opportunity. Can you still get a lifer after mid-life? I don’t know, maybe so, but the math might not work out. Yet another reason why I hate math.

Lifers can be siblings or friends, though, so please don’t limit this role to romantic love. Lots of you have best friends since age 3 or elementary, or what have you. We examine our conjugal relationships and think those people have to fill that “soul mate” lifer spot.

Hmmm. Give that some thought. I argue not. If you have a tendency towards repeating the same patterns in your love life (Did you marry someone just like mom or dad? Left an abuser (physical/drugs or alcohol) only to gain a new one just like it?) Guess what again? They’re seasonal.

That best friend since 2nd grade? Your sister? Brother-in-law who’s been more of a brother forever? Lifer.

How do you know what you are to someone else?

Introverts (and writers- love ya) don’t have to analyze too much to get the answer regarding who is what to them and what they are to others.

Extroverts might find confusion here. Family or a rare, trusted “soulfriend” usually constitutes the lifers. The struggle comes determining who is a Reason and who is a Season and extroverts see everybody as an important friend. Just how important — and for how long?

Know thyself and you’ll know others. Examine the gifts you have as a person:

-Some of you are funny, entertaining and social. You might be the bridge to help lonely people connect. You might be the one to pull friends out of their shells- though notice if you have a long line of changing friends. You might be a Reason. This is your talent and it feeds your spirit.

-Some are fighters, spirited and tough- meant to teach people to be that way too. You put up with nothing unsavory and teach friends their value. It’s an important job, but it might be short. You’re a Reason, too. Be careful here, hero. Your ability to take on conflict makes you unique and you might find few who can fill your shoes (and it makes you sad that they won’t do this for you in return.)

-Those of you who are deeply intellectual and innovative thinkers might find solutions for friends who get stuck or can’t see repeating patterns in their lives. If you can be patient, you are valuable resources often acting as amateur counselors. You help them get through difficult portions of adulthood. But if you tire at their inability to make a change, take advice, or they just don’t listen, you’ll burn out over a lifetime. You’re a season probably disguised as a lifer. Your season with them might be shorter and shorter as the more stubborn they grow.

And then there are a few of you like me. Mindful. Weathered. Your role is to teach. You’ve had plenty of hard knocks and want to spare others from what you went through. There might be something you’re particularly good at teaching or dissuading against. My case is I can share how NOT to parent and how NOT to mess up a relationship. If you’re similar, we’re a reason. I’m still screwing up a lot — so I’m nobody’s lifer.

I hope you get what you need and you in return, give your best. Somebody out there needs you (for however long that is.)