Are Men Making Themselves Obsolete in Marriage by Refusing to Grow?
The happiest women are single and child-free, so where does that leave men?
I always thought by modeling emotional caretaking and nurturing for my husband, eventually, he would return the favor.
We were together for 32 years. But I could not undo his programming from early childhood. I believe he tried to be a good husband and father (and often he succeeded), but he seemed unable (or unwilling) to fully rise above the limitations of past generations.
My husband’s go-to defense: “I’m better than my father.”
This was technically true, considering his father never made himself a sandwich or put a dish in the dishwasher. But I wondered why my husband was content to set the husband/father bar so low while I, like many women, berated myself for not being all things to all people.
Why is SuperMom the bar set for women? While men compare themselves to DoLittleDad?
Be a Man
Like many men born in the 1960s, my husband was raised by his culture and his parents to ‘be a man’. Like his father, my husband was an excellent provider, and I have no doubt this was their language of love.
However, my husband positioned himself as a modern man and was heralded by all because he did rather simple tasks like his own laundry and knew how to load the dishwasher. Meanwhile, I was tasked with most of the menial unpaid (underappreciated) labor in the household, which included all of our family's emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.
In midlife, when the burden of that labor exhausted me and nearly killed me, my husband left to find greener pastures. He made it clear my chronic illness was a bummer and not something he wanted to acknowledge, discuss, or deal with. Anything that wasn’t about him and his level of comfort didn’t interest him in the least.
The truth is that my catastrophic chronic illness left me unable to cater to his needs. My disabled body demanded intense caretaking and nurturing from a committed partner. But despite my modeling of that behavior as a wife and mother for three decades, these things remained completely foreign to him.
Still, my husband had an opportunity to step up — to honor our vows, and love me in sickness and health. However, his culture, community, and family gave him an easy out. Didn’t he deserve better? What was in it for him? Why should he suffer just because she was suffering?
There is plenty of fish in the sea, and he’s a catch!
His happiness trumped mine, mostly because — it always had.
Marriage Inequality
According to research, single, child-free women are happier and healthier than their married counterparts.
In marriage, men reap greater benefits than women. And we’ve seen this inequitable division of labor play out during the pandemic where men mostly focused on work. At the same time, women were tasked with homeschooling and full-time caretaking (of children, elderly parents, and pets) — on top of work.
I was without a romantic partner during the pandemic, and that suited me just fine. I flourished when many women struggled because I could focus on my own emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I didn’t have to put anyone else first or compromise my own healing for a man or young child.
The pandemic, much like my chronic illness, didn’t create marital inequality and stress — it merely shone a spotlight on it. Of course, many marriages are strong and equal, and those likely prospered and grew even sweeter during the pandemic.
But for those marriages with cracks already in the foundation?
They say that character is revealed under pressure. What greater pressure is there than a deadly global pandemic or catastrophic illness?
Nagging and Passive Aggression
For years, I tried to quietly model caretaking and nurturing for my husband while I remained the ‘Cool Wife’ who didn’t NAG.
You know the deal. Nagging is considered the worst thing a wife can do. Many frustrated women resort to nagging after dealing with passive-aggressive husbands (highly successful and competent at work) who refuse to take any initiative at home unless their wives nag them.
I’m currently living with my 22-year-old son and trying desperately to be a Cool Mom who doesn’t nag him either.
I hope that I’ve raised my son with empathy and compassion. I’ve tried to model an adult relationship where we both give and take. I am not here to jump through hoops or serve his every need.
And yet, my son is still a typical guy who can spend a bazillion hours playing video games but will let a dish sit in the sink for days and doesn’t notice when a toilet needs to be cleaned. He will do chores if asked, but he doesn’t necessarily consider my comfort levels, even while I’m creating a stable and loving home for both of us.
I understand my son’s prefrontal cortex is still developing, but what if it never seems to form fully? What if it stays perpetually clueless in its maleness — always expecting a woman — wife or mother — to clean up after him and take on all the daunting (and boring and underappreciated) emotional, mental, and spiritual tasks in life?
At what point do we as women say enough?
What’s in it for us when these relationships stay so lopsided and uneven that all we do is give and get so very little in return?
What happens if and when women decide they no longer need marriage?
Happily Ever After Alone
Two years after my marriage imploded, I think about dating, but then I don’t actually pursue it because:
- I’m still healing from the trauma of being betrayed and abandoned by the person I trusted and loved.
- I’ve never been happier than I am now — on my own — focused on my career, health, friendships, family, pleasure, and joy.
Some people think women demand too much out of men.
Perhaps men expect too little of themselves.
As they continue down the same old tired roads, following the damaging patterns set by generations before them, men have a choice: Grow into better partners who nurture and care for others— or stay the same — and become obsolete in these modern times.
