The Authentic Eclectic

Are all writers jealous, self-loathing neurotics…

Sometimes I hate myself. More accurately, I exhaust myself. Medium is a great place to do that. I’ve only been here for a month or so, but I’m at my laptop every morning almost before my eyes open, looking at my stats. What I see there dictates how the day will go.

“What’s wrong with you this morning?” my partner asks after I snap at him for sweetly asking whether I’d like a croissant or toast for breakfast. “Let me guess. No new followers?”

Or I’ll throw my arms around him, kiss him passionately, profess my love for him and the entire world, maybe even Donald Trump . . .ok, I’d never go that far . . . and he’ll guess there’s been a jump in my numbers.

But it’s not just Medium. I used to write for Harlequin. Authors were, probably still are, incredibly supportive of each other. Compliments — like heaving bosoms and throbbing members — generously bestowed. Read a romance if the terms are unfamiliar.

I wanted to be that way too. I’d put on a good front, all fulsome praise and admiration while doing battle with the green-eyed monster that lurked — where else but in my heaving bosom?

I hated authors who sold more books than I did, which was almost everyone. Hated them with a hateful hate.

Then I hated myself.

And then I’d feed my self-loathing by seeking out glowing reviews of twenty-year-old first-time authors who’d just signed multi-million dollar contracts. I thought about taking up crime writing; for the first book, I’d brutally kill a teenage author just on the brink of great fame and fortune.

By then I’d be ready for a drink. With enough drink, I start to feel more writerly. That’s what writers do, isn’t it? Drink a lot?

My question though is whether they also secretly hate other writers? Successful ones, I mean. I have no problem at all being generous and encouraging with those who despair about the elusiveness of success.

“I know just how that feels,” I’ll say. “But keep writing, you’ll make it.”

Just don’t be wildly successful though, or I’ll have to hate you.

After reading this, I hope you won’t hate me too. I obviously need help.

But, if you’d like to read some of my other stories, plus thousands of others on Medium, why not subscribe?

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Thanks in advance, Janice