Apparently, Everyone Has A Life Advice For You

And an opinion about how ‘You’ should live your life even when they have zero clue about your life

Does it happen to you often that random people give you advice on stuff in your life that they have no clue about?

More often than not, that advice is to cheer up, smile, think positively, put on a brave face, or brush it off, as if thinking positively will change the situation.

I do believe in the power of positive thinking and how a pessimistic can never enjoy their life, but this ‘positive vibes only’ pressure can backfire and make you feel less connected.

Every time I had such an advice, I have regretted sharing anything at all.

When you confide your feelings to someone, and they blame you or advise you about all the ‘should haves or could haves’, you feel small, you feel like a failure.

This so-called advice to put on a happy face when you are experiencing negative emotions triggers shame. So now, on top of the challenges you were facing, you are also burdened with fear, guilt, shame, or anxiety.

Recently, I was having a conversation with someone where I shared something about some of my recent challenges. All I wanted from that person was to just hear me out without any judgment. What I received instead was a bombardment of advice, a plethora of stuff I was doing wrong, and what I should have done instead of complaining.

She even went on to tell me how I needed to just change my mindset, cheer up, be happy, and not complain, and everything would fall in place.

The moment this happened, I regretted my decision to divulge. I shut off. And yet I put on a brave face, smiling, taking in all her ‘well-meaning’ advice while panic setting in immediately.

I felt tremendous guilt and shame about my inability to simply ‘change my mindset and be happy’ when it’s super easy for others. I felt like a complete failure.

According to the therapists or all the self-help articles we read, you should reach out for help. But tell me honestly, in these kinds of situations, how likely are you going to reach out for support?

A lot of times, these are from people who care about you and want to help, but sometimes there are ill intentions too from people who are insecure about their own lives and want to feel superior even if it is momentary.

This culture of “Don’t worry, be happy” can be toxic and that’s why it’s called toxic positivity because it does more harm than help. That person had no clue about what was going on in my life. Yet, she thought she knew what the solution was.

This was not the only time when I have faced this. This has happened so many times with so many people that I barely open up anymore, internalizing my emotions because I couldn’t deal with any more guilt trips or feelings of shame.

Unfortunately, there is no escaping from negative experiences, and suppressing them will cause more harm.

The problem is, apparently, everyone has some sort of life advice for You based on Their lives. And these types of advice don’t stop at just “Don’t worry, be happy” only. They also tell you how you will find that elusive happiness based on their life experiences.

I see loads of articles here on Medium that tell us how selling your homes and becoming a digital nomad will make your life meaningful. Then there are stories about how quitting your 9–5 and becoming your own boss is the way to be happy.

Some people will tell you why you should work 60 hours a week now so that you can live a better life tomorrow, why you should get up at 4.00 AM and finish a novel by 8.00 AM, or how simplifying your life by possessing “only 50 items” is the key to happiness and why you should do it too.

I am tired of all the plethora of advice that doesn’t work for me. If you are the one who jumps at giving advice and making other people’s lives better, I need you to understand that your ideas are based on solely your life experiences, and what works for you may not work for me.

What may seem like laziness to you may be a showcase of executive dysfunction experienced by most neurodiverse people. If someone says they have a hard time focusing or multitasking, asking them to just suck it up and do it anyway is invalidating their feelings.

If someone says they are grieving the loss of their loved ones, asking them to cheer up and move on is insensitive.

When someone shares their challenges with you, listen with an open mind, without judgment. Show compassion and be there for them. This is not the time to tell them how great you are and why they should follow you.

Remember that you don’t know everything about their lives, even if they are very close to you, and you care about them. You don’t know if they are on the wrong path, so keep your opinion to yourself.

The only way to show them that you care is just to give your time and undivided attention. That’s all that matters.

Thank you for reading. Life can be hard, but your support makes a big difference.