Anxiety Is It To Fight Or Flee?
That Is The Question
It’s been about for as long as I can remember. Either a low rumbling feeling of anxiety or the full blown Monty, the panic attack. Either way I’ve got used to it now and accept it as part of me. But how do I deal with it when its actually happening?
Sometimes on waking in the morning it can be there. A fleeting feeling of doom that I can’t put my finger on and I damn well know that if I don’t get out of my bed that feeling will move from fleeting to all encompassing so it’s straight downstairs and kettle on. Back door open and fresh air in.
The cold morning air can shock me out of it and then finally the slow descent into calm. The outside always helps. Distraction helps and that usually comes in the shape of two persistent cats who want their breakfast. One Black, one Ginger. They are not interested in my anxiety. They just want their breakfast.
There are days and then there are days. There are times I could almost forget that I suffer with anxiety and it’s those days I hang onto. Life is normal and calm. But then there are the other days, when its not so good and the anxiety takes hold.
Shopping can be very hit and miss. I’ve got to be in the mood for that so have gone mostly online. Covid-19 has in a strange way given me an excuse not to be in the shop if I don’t want to. Standing in a queue when I’m anxious can be utterly gut wrenching. I can feel that anxiety starting to rise. The heartbeat goes up and I start to feel slightly dizzy with it all. “ I need to get out of this damned shop” gets louder and louder in my head. The queue seems to be going slower and slower, well in my head it is. I grin and bear it as best I can until finally relief. I’m at the till to pay. The misery of it all is nearly over.
But it’s not. The cashier may be fumbling about and can’t scan something. The anxiety that was slightly going down as I approach the till is now suddenly going up. And fast. There have been times when I have had to hold onto the card machine just to feel steady. That’s a horrible feeling like being on a keeling ship. Finally we’re all done and I can flee.
Do you fight or flee? It’s a difficult one with anxiety. I’ve tried very hard not to let it rule my life and for the most part have accepted it and managed. One thing that does help is not to hold it in. Admit to yourself that you are having a panic attack. Admit to whoever you’re with that you are having a panic attack. The admittance that it is happening does take away some of its power, at least for me it does. Another strategy that I use is the thought of “Bring It”. Let it come in all it’s fury, don’t fight it and soon the fight will be over. That sometimes works but not always.
Tired body equals tired mind and my tired mind is where it can creep in and hang on with the anxiety tentacles, it’s got a firm grip and it’s not letting go. I also find that I go from being talkative to very quiet and retreating into myself. Living the dream, no, I’m living the panic attack and trying to find the exit door. That door usually comes in the form of sleep and it’s a sleep I welcome. If I have had a rip roaring panic attack I’m sometimes totally knocked out and have to go for a nap just to get over it.
And what of fleeing. I think it’s a self preservation tactic of mine to sometimes flee. I’m not talking of literally running away but if I don’t want the stress I’ve now probably got a bit selfish and I don’t have any stress come into my day if I don’t need it. There is nothing wrong with walking away from stress. I don’t see it as a weakness now. I see it as an act of self care and self love.
I deal with jobs that could be stressful when I’m not anxious. Anxiety fuddles my mind and I can’t make a good job of what I’m doing. Fingers and thumbs, fingers and thumbs and nothing achieved with a cloudy mind rumbling away in the background.
I live with and around my anxiety. It’s part of my makeup and I’ve accepted it. For me I always hold onto the fact that tomorrow will be better and today is just a bad day and that’s all it is. A bad day. We all have them, anxiety or not, bad days happen to everyone.
And when I have thoughts of anxiety I try to remember that a thought is a thought and a thought can be changed.
And tomorrow will be better.