Anxiety and Me

From blissfully unaware to fearing the worst

In my early twenties, I knew nothing about mental health.

I had no personal experience with mental illness aside from finding out my ‘quirky’ high school friend had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia after losing touch with him.

In high school, we simply thought our friend had an affinity for drugs and enjoyed making others laugh with his strange antics.

Which was true.

But as it turns out, his situation was more complicated than that.

Once I heard of his diagnosis and his subsequent mental decline and impending legal trouble, I felt a sense of guilt for not only participating in the drug-fueled activities but also encouraging risky behavior.

We’re no longer in contact and the last I heard he was living in a group home and struggling to hold down a part-time job.

Aside from this one experience, my childhood was pretty sheltered. None of my close friends and nobody in my family struggled with mental health issues.

I suppose it’s possible issues were hidden and not discussed- I can’t be certain. But one thing I know is mental health wasn’t as readily discussed back then as it is today.

So once I turned twenty and anxiety entered my life, it hit me like a ton of bricks- literally and figuratively. It felt like a pile of bricks had been dumped on my chest and I was no longer capable of inhaling. Each breath I took had become a laborious, strenuous act.

At one point I thought I was dying. I had no idea at the time that what I was experiencing was anxiety.

It was just a normal day- nothing out of the ordinary. But as I was driving home from work and nearing my exit, I noticed my breathing was more shallow than usual. I seemed to be having trouble breathing deeply.

But I ignored the issue so I could focus on driving, which was a huge mistake- the first of many mistakes I’d make over the course of the next decade.

Eventually my breathing became rapid and shallow as I repeatedly tried and failed to get an adequate amount of air into my lungs.

My hands, clenched tightly on the steering wheel, started going numb.

Followed by my arms.

My vision became fuzzy as my peripheral vision dissipated.

I must be having a heart attack.

I pulled over and tried my best to breath through it- whatever it was.

I still have no idea how long I was sitting on the side of the interstate. Time seemed to vanish and was quickly replaced by fear, confusion and some strange form of acceptance.

Well, I guess I’m dying and I guess deserve it. Maybe it was my breakfast of Yellowjackets and cigarettes that finally did me in… or was it that line of coke from last night?

A Department of Transportation (DOT) employee drove by and stopped to ask if I needed help, but I wasn’t able to speak.

My words came out jumbled and incoherent. My brain was literally shutting down due to lack of oxygen. Of course, I didn’t realize this at the time. The only possible explanation I could wrap my head around was that I was having a heart attack.

The DOT employee called an ambulance and I was rushed to the nearest Emergency Room. I was poked, prodded and strapped to an EKG, only to be told in the end that I had experienced a panic attack.

All this fuss for a panic attack?!

Of course I had heard of panic attacks and anxiety, but being a selfish young adult, I had never really stopped to consider what it might feel like to experience something like that.

Because, you know, if it didn’t affect me, why should I care?

Although, relieved that nothing was seriously medically wrong with me, I was also embarrassed and ashamed that I had caused such a dramatic incident due to a problem that solely resided in my head.

Because my body was, if fact, completely healthy in spite of myself and my myriad of bad habits.

I’d spend the next ten years trying to answer the questions: how and why had this happened to me?

I ended up struggling with anxiety throughout my twenties while trying everything to feel normal; exercise, dietary changes, quitting bad habits, cutting toxic people from my life, medication.

But eventually I realized my attempts were in vain. They were Band-Aid solutions- quick fixes that never truly addressed the root of the issue.

I never consistently implemented healthy lifestyle changes. For example, I’d change my diet and quit drinking for two weeks, experience zero improvements, then throw in the towel and go back to my old ways.

I treated my body like a trash can.

I drank, smoked, ate shitty food and experimented with drugs.

I’d quit one bad habit temporarily and expected to see miraculous results.

To say I was foolish in my youth is an understatement.

When I finally committed to a consistent exercise routine, I’d continue my habit of going out drinking after work, rendering my attempts pointless and insufficient.

None of my ‘self-help’ measures made sense. I wasn’t being proactive at all.

But I thought I was.

If I would have been consistent in my approach and focused on myself holistically instead of focusing on changing one unhealthy habit at a time, I believe I would have come up with a sustainable solution much faster.

There’s a treatment method in therapy called CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The premise is simple; our thoughts influence our emotions which, in turn, influence our behavior.

Over the course of many years, through trial and error, I’ve finally figured out how to diminish anxiety by utilizing CBT.

Whenever feelings of anxiety start creeping back in, I analyze the feelings. The goal is to make rational sense of the way I’m feeling.

Instead of focusing on how the feelings make me feel, I’ll focus on why the feelings surfaced in the first place.

I allow the anxious feelings to make me uncomfortable. I don’t deny they exist. Nine times out of ten I can pinpoint a trigger and eliminate it.

But on the rare occasion, when I’m not able to identify the catalyst for my anxious feelings, I simply breath through the experience and focus on relaxing my body instead.

I no longer ignore or try to escape from anxiety.

Twenty years ago, I wasn’t aware that fear had turned into panic, which led to rapid, shallow breathing, which resulted in hyperventilation.

Because I was only focused on how I felt, I had completely abandoned rational, analytical thinking and went straight toward the ‘worst case’ explanation- a heart attack.

The entire incident could have been avoided if I had employed CBT techniques, stopping the anxious feelings from escalating into full blown panic.

Instead, I allowed fear to take over and made multiple mistakes.

Noticing the shallowness of my breath and the subsequent negative feelings, I could have simply allowed those feelings to exist. I could have sat with those feelings and been present, as uncomfortable as it would have been. But instead I allowed anxiety to take control.

Perhaps maintaining awareness and remaining in control would have allowed me to safely exit the interstate without getting ODOT staff, ER doctors and my family involved. It’s possible I could have saved myself the embarrassment of being brought to the hospital in an ambulance, only to be told the problem was in my head.

If I could have shifted my focus and not let irrational feelings overrule rational thought, I could have dissected that moment from a logical, practical standpoint.

But I let my emotions dictate my thoughts. And in that process, I’d convinced myself I was dying.

Now that I’m aware that thoughts are things- thoughts are tangible in that they drive behavior and action and dictate feelings- I’ve completely rid myself of anxiety.

It’s now been over a decade since anxiety ruled my life.

Our thoughts have an incredible amount of influence over the way we feel. If you don’t believe me, start making a concerted effort to think positively about someone you dislike. I guarantee, you’ll eventually dislike them less.

And if you suffer from anxiety like I have, simply allow those feelings to creep in without taking over. Don’t suppress the negative feelings, but focus on them from an analytical standpoint.

It’s hard at first- not allowing our emotions to guide us seems counterintuitive. But the more you practice it, the more it becomes second nature.

Don’t let anxiety win.

You have the ability to control your thoughts and, in the process, take control of the way you feel.