Anticipatory Grief Can Be A Good Thing

When They Haven’t Left Yet But Your Grieving Is Done. A Caregivers View

I have no doubt that many carers who are doing the long term caring gig feel anticipatory grief. And if they don’t now they may well do in the future.

You meet your significant other. It’s a blast for the first few years. Out and about. Good sex and a great life. But as they say, “all good things must come to an end”. And illness and frailty have ended the party for thousands throughout the world. The Carer grieves for the partner that was but is no more. Now a mere shell of him or her self and becoming frailer. Plans cannot be made because the illness of the partner eclipses everything. “I’ll see how X is on the day’. If I had a pound for every time I’ve said that I’d be a very rich woman.

The relationship changes. From that of husband and wife to Cared For and Carer. Outings consist of Doctors appointments, medication reviews, hospital visits and little else. You grieve for the before, the life you had before this constant round of illness, looking after and doing all the thinking. We all look after our children but the end to that is happy. If all goes to plan you will raise a child that is independent and will do well in the big wide world. Not so with the Cared For. It’s like childhood going backwards.

Independence slowly dissipates and the Cared For becomes more dependent. An old saying is “once a man, twice a child”. For the two people in the caring relationship this is true. The Carer does more and more and in the end is doing everything, literally the whole shebang. And the Carer now starts to tire. Of. It. All.

And at this point, the Carer becomes a single entity. They don’t leave the relationship but they are the driver of it with the Cared For along for the ride. The Carer still loves the partner but in their mind, they are very much single. They manage all the finances, household jobs, medications, even down to the daily necessities of food and drink. Single but attached “until death do us part”. Events that used to be attended by both are now attended by one. The Carer. And it’s easier that way, giving the Carer a brief respite and a glimpse of normal life. A life that presently will never be theirs.

A Carer will grieve for the fact that they can no longer depend on the partner for anything. And slowly they become used to not depending on the partner. A sort of widowhood but without the death bit. At this point, you might perhaps start thinking of life after caring. You imagine it in your mind, you can almost feel it but not quite. It is said that anticipatory grief is a way of preparing you for the inevitable conclusion to the journey. I’m sure it prepares you a bit but a day will come when this conclusion is real and I’m really rather glad that I’ve got some of the grieving out of the way if I am honest. It has freed me to start building a life that will be mine after I have ceased to be a Carer. To people outside of this these are dark and terrible thoughts. Feelings that can only be expressed to very few in a safe place. Feelings that usually must remain hidden and unsaid.

That’s not being callous. It’s being realistic. I know an older lady who is a Carer for her husband who is ninety. Her husband has been struck by severe clinical depression which is permanent and has been there for years. For days on end he sits in the chair, not talking to her and staring into space. Hunger doesn’t come into his mind. Without her he would surely starve.

I asked her how she will feel when he dies. “Free” came her answer. Her response to my question was strong and sure. We’ve all heard that old chestnut “a happy release”. Well in some cases it really can be. For them both. She has done her grieving. She will stay until the end but mentally she has already left. She loves him but is no longer in love with him.

And for any Carer that can relate to this, you are not alone. Muddle along as best you can.

And that is good enough.