POLITICS, PARENTING
Anti-Vaxxers Admit They Ignore Dr Fauci Simply To Avoid Responsibility Of Raising A Child
Get out of jail free card
Pro-life is slowly turning into pro-kill. Just ask the anti-vaxxers.
Back in 2019, lead anti-vaxxer and Pokemon fanatic Catelin Clobes gave birth to a beautiful girl named Evee Clobes. Evee died 36 hours after a checkup, where she got several vaccinations. Through her grief, Clobes spearheaded a national anti-vaccination campaign, drawing in thousands of dollars to spread the dangers of vaccines. Within a matter of months, anti-vaccination was popular well before Dr. Anthony Fauci pleaded with the American public to trust the COVID vaccine.
We felt Clobe’s story would be a compelling case for anti-vaccination, if it was true. Alas, this story was nothing more than a lie. Medical examiner Dr. A. Quinn Strobl did a full autopsy on Evee to determine the cause of death.
“There was no proof that the prescribed vaccinations caused the baby’s death. There was proof, however, that the baby suffered from positional asphyxia. Areas of her nose, chest, arms and legs were discolored and pooled with blood. If anything, Evee likely died from Catelin Clobes accidentally suffocating her baby with a blanket.”
In true entitled white woman fashion, Clobes made this tragedy all about herself. This Karen rejected proof that she killed her baby, claiming that scientists would rather take advantage of a grieving mother than to admit that they’re “wrong”. She banded with other wealthy, white mothers who shop at Whole Foods to campaign against getting vaccines. Clobes has distracted the public from her baby killing so well that Casey Anthony reached out to ask Clobes for tips to avoid public scrutiny.
We were surprised that many parents decided to not vaccinate their children after reading Clobes’s fake story. This demographic skyrocketed during 2021, where more parents refused to vaccinate their children from COVID. The oldest neanderthal alive Marjorie Taylor Greene set up a #FireFauci campaign to discredit Fauci’s vaccination stance, and quickly amassed a couple thousand followers in one night. We reached out to some of those parents (who wished to remain anonymous) to question their reasoning. The responses we got were completely unexpected.
A middle-aged mother claimed.
“Clobes accidentally killed her baby, and she started an anti-vaccination movement. She clearly chose her grief over the truth. But this works out better for me! I can point to Clobes as the reason why my child isn’t vaccinated. When my child dies of COVID, the public will not blame me for not getting my child vaccinated. They will blame Clobes for spreading misinformation. I have found a successful way to kill my children legally.”
We were shocked by this response, and asked the mother why she wanted to kill her child.
“Everyone told me that motherhood is the best step in the journey of life. But no one has told me how difficult it is. I struggle with depression ever since my husband died from the hands of a drunk driver. My 5-year old child has cerebral palsy, and needs my full attention and care. This is problematic, as I have a full-time minimum wage job where I have to work 10 hours a day just to pay the bills. I was not ready for the emotional and financial toll it took to raise a child with disabilities.”
The mother broke down.
“I can accept the fact that I’m not destined to be a mother. It’s not a job for everyone. I just want my son to die peacefully just so he no longer has to deal with the stressful circumstances surrounding his birth. He’s better off dead than to suffer alive.”
A middle-aged father echoed similar sentiments.
“Look, I didn’t want to be a parent. It just happened. My wife and I wanted to to get an abortion, but Texas Republicans made it much harder to do so. Now, our bank account is drained from supporting a kid. Consequently, we lost sleep and gained weight. We’re too depressed from not taking care of ourselves, and we have no energy left to take care of another life. We want to leave this situation, but we simply can’t abandon the kid because of our conscience. All we can do is find ways to kill him ethically.”
We asked the father to explain.
“If a kid dies from an accidental gunshot or beating, we could go to jail for negligence. But if a kid dies from a disease, we’re scott free. We can only put our kid in situations where he can easily get the disease and die.”
A young mother chimed in.
“My boyfriend and I were constantly fighting. Our relationship was falling apart. We thought bringing a child into a world would help rekindle our love. We were dead wrong. It drove us further apart and my boyfriend left me for another woman. I have no college degree and have no means to take care of my girl. My daughter is better off dying from COVID.”
We were confused by this mother’s logic, as conceiving a child to fix a relationship is a pretty expensive solution. Then again, this mother claimed that she did heroin in her youth just to get over her fear of needles.
Regardless, we surprisingly found ourselves empathizing with these anti-vaxxers. It takes a lot of self-reflection and maturity to realize that they’re in no position to take care of another life. Raising a child is a major responsibility, and these parents wanted to avoid a job they didn’t sign up for.
We thought about the parents sending their children to foster care. However, we shockingly discovered that the US Foster Care system is disastrous for a child’s mental health and upbringing. Many foster parents admit they weren’t prepared for the influx of abandoned children with disabilities; 40% of newly trained foster parents quitting due to inadequate financial and mental support. About 30% of children in foster care have severe emotional, behavioral, or developmental problems. Many of those issues worsen when children jump from one foster home to another.
The modern world’s living conditions are so hostile that parents are justified for believing that their children are better off dead.
We were curious what anti-abortion organizations and the GOP thought about anti-vaccination to get rid of children. Anti-abortion organizations were already on board with vaccinations from the start, as they claimed that “vaccines are a gift from God to preserve life.” We don’t agree with the views of anti-abortion agencies, but we at least respect the agencies’ commitment to keep all children alive.
The GOP, however, was shocked that anti-vaxxers were against their “pro-life” stance. GOP minority leader Moscow Mitch McConnell shook his head.
“We Republicans want to keep our power and status for as long as possible, so we have to think of creative ways to reduce competition for our seats. We made these pro-life and anti-abortion laws just to keep the poor/middle class from advancing in the social and wealthy hierarchy, consequently competing with us for our seats in upcoming elections.
“We opposed vaccinations and science just because they’re supported by the liberals, but we had no idea that our anti-vaxxers were hell bent on using the pandemic as an alternate child-killing strategy. People without children have ample time and money on their hands to run against us, and anti-vaccination is further giving back time and money to people with children.”
In an attempt to promote vaccinations and to reduce competition for their seats, the Republican Party forced Greene to suspend her #FireFauci campaign. The Republican Party quickly launched defamation campaigns against Clobes, calling her a liar. Texas Governor Gregg Abbott took a step further to keep the status quo by adjusting his bounty on people who had abortions to include bounties on unvaccinated citizens.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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PS: Any bets on how long this piece will last before it gets taken down by Medium? I’m betting 3 days.
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