Anti-racism work is not about protecting your white feelings

It’s about fighting for black and brown lives.

Anti-racism work is traumatizing. When we expose ourselves to hatred, it comes at a steep price. We’re slandered, threatened, abused, and further marginalized — all because white people can’t handle the truth about their participation in racism and white supremacy. That doesn’t surprise me. They can’t even handle being called “white.” Many of them will take their toys and go home. In other words, they refuse to participate in anti-racism work if we can’t be nicer to them.

Let me be clear here: Your white feelings don’t matter. Period.

If you expect us to smile in your face when you harm us, you’re here for the wrong reasons. If you believe you have nothing to learn from us, you’re also here for the wrong reasons. White people who have been part of this work for years and actually do the work will tell you they never stop learning. They will screw up, learn from their mistake and keep fighting. They will try not to insert their white fragility into this fight.

So, no, your feelings don’t matter. We’re fighting for our lives, and you expect us to worry about some hurt feelings? That’s like watching us run from a knife-wielding bandit and getting upset because we didn’t stop to say sorry for stepping on your toes. Do you realize how privileged that sounds? Your feelings will never be more important than our lives. You think your feelings should count more because, as white people, you don’t value anything as much as your own whiteness. Luckily we don’t depend on you to show us our worth. We already know we’re kings and queens.

What happens when you have discussions about racism with your family? If you’re educating your family about racism and they get defensive or angry, does that mean you stop? If your mother cries when you tell her she’s racist, do you back down? These emotions are merely ways to deflect from the conversation. You’ve used them yourself. It’s how you stop the person from calling you out. It’s your way of silencing words you don’t want to hear.

This should sound familiar to you since you use the very same weapons. How will you educate your friends and family while they fight against learning about their own racism? Embarrassment, anger and tears won’t kill anyone. But a bullet will. Calling the police because you see a suspicious (black or brown) person in your neighborhood may cost a life. How do you explain this to your family? You can’t until you understand it yourself. You have to know that your own white supremacy causes you to pick up that phone and not any real belief that this person will break into your home and harm you.

Personally, I refuse to let racists into my life. So your mother or father? Your best friend from high school? How far are you willing to go in this anti-racism work? White people, if you hate racism, yet allow it in your life without calling it out, your work ignores the very people you know shape your own family’s racist beliefs.

If you think your father hasn’t passed down his racism to other family members, you’re blind to what’s right in front of you. Your relatives — including the children — hear the hatred and internalize it. Since no one is telling Dad he’s wrong, they believe he’s speaking the truth. The racial slurs he spews become part of who your family is. Your family will inherit those same beliefs and pass them down to their own children and turn their hatred toward black and brown people. The only way you can stop this is to intercept it publicly, loudly and firmly.

Exposing your children to racism means you’re allowing someone else to raise them. You’re not doing enough to ensure your children understand right from wrong. You’ve convinced yourself the racism your children hear from your family isn’t affecting them because you’re raising them to become good people. But part of raising a good person is teaching them that this country is filled with a hatred that causes many people to suffer simply because of the color of their skin. That hatred is controlled by white people and manifests itself in racism and white supremacy. Don’t sugarcoat it. Tell your children exactly what’s happening and teach them how to fight it.

I know many of you will ignore my words. You will insist we have to be nicer to deserve your help. You will ignore the racism in your own homes. You will convince yourself that your family doesn’t mean any harm, that they’re really good people. You will tell yourself they’re just a product of their generation and they don’t know any better. You will continue to believe you’re helping us without doing the difficult work of dismantling racism in yourself and those around you.

None of this will save my life.

Follow me on Twitter @LeciaMichelle11