Another Wonderful Glorious Day!

The story of an irritating boy

From the minute his eyes popped open in the morning until he finally fell asleep at night, little eleven-year-old Elliot was a source of great irritation to his family, his friends, his school, and the neighborhood. Adults and children were plotting behind his back in order to put him in his place.

Elliot suffered from extreme happiness and joy. It was not suffering to him, though; just to everyone else.

As soon as he opened his eyes in the morning Elliot would scream, “Thank you!” He then quickly jumped out of bed and continued his screaming, “It’s another wonderful glorious day! Yippee! Yippee! It’s another wonderful glorious day! Yippee! Yippee!”

Frank, Elliot’s older brother who slept in the same bedroom, would cover his head with his pillow and blanket attempting to drown out his little brother’s screaming. It did not help much.

After going to the bathroom Elliot flew down the stairs to the kitchen, “Good morning, Mother dear. Guess what?”

“What?”

Elliot began jumping up and down as he screamed, “It’s another wonderful glorious day! Yippee! Yippee! It’s another…”

“Elliot! Stop that right now! It’s too early in the morning to be screaming. What the hell is wrong with you? Now pour yourself a bowl of cereal and put that mouth of yours to a more quiet use.”

“But Mother dear I can’t help but scream with joy. It’s another wonderful glorious day. How can I not be excited by that? A whole brand new day to be happy and do exciting new things and meet exciting new people. What if we never woke up? Everything would be over. So when I open my eyes and see that I have been given another wonderful glorious day I am so grateful and happy. How can anyone wake up in the morning and not scream with delight?”

“Elliot, it’s just another morning. There’s nothing to get weird about. You’re the only one who behaves like that. Look around you and you’ll see that all normal people simply get up and proceed with their day. It’s no big deal. It’s just another morning. Now please eat and shut up.”

Elliot’s mother noticed her husband standing in the entrance to the living room. He was waving her over. She walked over to him then they both went into the living room to talk in private.

Her husband was waving a piece of paper in the air, “Have you seen Elliot’s report card?”

“Of course I’ve seen it. That’s why I put it on your bedside table; so that you’d see it.”

“What are we going to do with that boy? Listen to what his teacher wrote,”

“Elliot’s extreme, out-of-control exuberance and joy have caused a great deal of disruption to the class. We have a very serious problem. Can you please come by after school so that we can talk?”

“Yes, I’ve read that. Can you take an hour off from work to come?”

“Ah geez! I guess. That kid is really starting to piss me off. You know, I was talking to Jolene the other day…”

“Jolene?”

“Yeah, she works at the office. She’s got like six or seven kids. I happened to mention our Elliot problem and she said that what we should do is take him to a psychiatrist and get a prescription.”

“A prescription for what?”

“I don’t know. They’ve got drugs for this sort of thing.”

“So you want to drug our child? You want to turn him into a drug addict?”

“Hey, if that will finally make him normal then why not? Honey, I can’t deal with another day of his ridiculous happiness. He’s not just disrupting his class but also our family. It’s gotta stop. I don’t know what else to do.”

“But drugs? There’s gotta be something else we can do.”

“Well, when you figure that out let me know. I’ve gotta get some coffee…”

Elliot’s parents went into the kitchen.

“Father, Father! It’s so delightful to see you. You must be so happy that you’ve got another wonderful glorious day to go to your job.”

“Elliot, no, I am not happy about that. It does not make me happy to go work my ass off all day just to support a family and a crazy kid. There is nothing fun about work. Work is not fun and every day I wake up realizing that I’ve got to go to work is not something to be happy about and jump around like an idiot. When you grow up you’ll find out that life is about work, work, work. Happiness is for weekends and vacations. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.” He filled his mug with coffee.

“But Father, why can’t work be fun? All my school work is a lot of fun. I wish I had more of it. My chores are a lot of fun. I would love to support a family so I can make them as happy as I can.”

He took a sip of coffee, “Oh, Elliot. One of these days you’ll learn that it’s more important to be normal than ridiculously happy.”

“Mother dear, thank you so much for the Captain Crunch. What a fantastic way to start off another wonderful glorious day! Can I have a pop tart?”

“Sure, sweetie.”

Elliot’s father took another sip of coffee then looked at his wife, “That’s something we can do. We can stop feeding him so much damn sugar. Without all that sugar maybe he won’t be so darn happy.”

Just then Frank came down the stairs.

“Frank! Oh dear Frank! Good morning. Good morning. You will be so incredibly happy to learn that we have Captain Crunch for breakfast this morning. What a fantastic way to start off another wonderful glorious day.”

“Bite me.”

“Frank! That’s no way to speak to your brother.” Frank’s mother handed him a bowl and a spoon.

“Sorry. I was being polite in light of present company. Mom, can Elliot be home-schooled? He’s such an embarrassment to me at school.”

“No way! I mean, no. He needs to be in school with everyone else. And you need to be supportive of your younger brother. If you had just one-tenth of his exuberance maybe you wouldn’t be such an annoying grouch. And maybe your grades would improve. Can you tell me why the hell you got a D in History?”

“Because History is so lame and because my History teacher is so boring. Why the hell do I need to know what year Christopher Columbus circumnavigated the globe?”

Elliot’s father rolled his eyes. He then filled his thermos with coffee and kissed his wife as he headed out the door.

“Remember; three-thirty.”

“Yes dear.”

“Frank, what did I tell you about your language? Now you two hurry up and finish your breakfast then get dressed and ready for the bus.”

With a bite of pop tart in his mouth Elliot pumped his fist in the air and screamed, “The bus! The bus! I can’t wait to get on the bus because it’s gonna take us to another wonderful glorious day at school. I am so happy!”

Frank was the first on the bus and he headed for the back to sit with his friend Rodrigo. Once Elliot was on the bus he started screaming, “Yippee. Yippee! It’s another wonderful glorious school day! Yippee. Yippee.”

Finally the bus driver told Elliot to shut up and sit down.

Frank leaned closer to Rodrigo, “Man, we have got to do something about my idiot brother. He is such an embarrassment.”

Rodrigo smiled as he opened his backpack. He pulled out a can of Cheez Whiz.

“Cheez Whiz? Seriously?”

“Yeah. I can hold him down while you spray Cheez Whiz down his pants.”

Both boys laughed.

“Rodrigo, while that is an excellent idea that I admire and something we definitely must do, I just don’t think it’s enough to fix my brother. We need to do something so extreme that it completely changes him.”

“Fear.”

“Yes, fear. We need to scare the fucking shit out him. We need to scare him so bad that he can never be happy again. Got any ideas?”

“Dude. I don’t have any ideas off the top of my head but I’m sure we can come up with something. We’re gonna have to really think about this.”

“Well, we’d better think fast cause my brother is driving me nuts.”

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.

Speaking of boys…