Anorexia Recovery: Putting one foot in front of the other

And trusting in all the possibilities

After treatment, I began seeing a doctor in the city specializing in eating disorders; it’s been over a year now.

Before seeing this doctor, I would see a “regular” doctor. I didn’t have a relationship with them. They didn’t know me very well, and I even recall at some point telling them I hadn’t gotten my period in over a year and how I was not doing well. They referred me to the dietitian, who I’m not sure was versed in eating disorders. They handed me pieces of paper with facts on the benefits of fats, proteins, and carbohydrates.

I remember thinking, “Yeah, I know, but that’s not the problem; I know what I should be eating to feel better, and I know I should be eating more. The problem is I don’t know how to not listen to the voice telling me otherwise. I have an eating disorder, not a lack of understanding of what’s good for me.”

Today my doctor knows me and doesn’t rush me in and out the door. She understands my disorder, and the best part is that I no longer look at the number when I get weighed.

I don’t want to know it; at least not right now, I don’t. But, maybe one day, I will be able to see that number, and it won’t ruin my day or lead me down a path of self-destructive behaviors.

But anyway, after treatment, my body still needed time to heal. I still didn’t have my period back, my blood levels weren’t yet entirely normal, and while I hate this term (but that’s just what they say in treatment), I wasn’t fully weight restored.

I was overwhelmed, but I was getting tired of being told I wasn’t there yet. I felt a lot of frustration and shame. I felt like I had done so much damage to my body that nothing would ever feel normal again, that I would never feel okay.

But I kept trying each day — one foot in front of the other. My motivation to keep trying was all the things I wanted out of this life and all the things I wanted to do.

So Julia, what is it that you wanted? I wanted to be strong AGAIN. I wanted to be the ATHLETE I had always been. I wanted to be a MOM. I wanted to HELP people. I wanted to share MY STORY so that others could begin their healing path and know that they aren’t alone. I wanted to be FREE from perfectionism, and the box my eating disorder kept me hostage. Finally, I tried to TRUST that all of these things would be possible if I kept trying.

As I kept trying, I felt as if I was free-falling and unsure if someone or something would catch me.

I still feel like that sometimes. I doubt myself; I feel scared, uncomfortable in my body, angry for the changes in my body, for having to heal my body from the stuff I put it through, and never knowing if what I am doing is enough.

But today, I had a call with my doctor; she was going over the bloodwork we had done a week ago. Our conversation lasted two minutes, and she started it off by saying, “Your body is the healthiest it has ever been.”

What I felt in that moment was a mix of things: The first thing was, “Wow, I have come a long way, and I have been waiting to hear someone say that.” I felt validated but also scared because why is it that I am the healthiest since starting treatment, but this shit is still hard.

I thought that I would feel better once I got to a place where my body was more healed. Don’t get me wrong, I feel better than before, but I still have moments. I still am unsure of how to be neutral with my body. I’m still searching for freedom.

I think what this conversation showed me was, this journey is ongoing. It showed me that I am giving myself a chance to experience all the things I want in this life. I am in a place of being more healed and more healthy than before, and I do have the opportunity and right to thrive, not just survive. This conversation showed me that I’m nowhere near broken and never was…it showed me that I can be scared and unsure and still put one foot in front of the other anyway.