Annoyed, Irrational, and a Little Bit of a Hypocrite

Today, I am reflecting…

Recently, one night, I was upset with my husband.

Quite irritated, in fact. That’s unusual for me.

This morning, though? My feelings are more…confused.

You see, that particular night, my husband had a little bit too much to drink. I don’t think it was on purpose. He was playing a game online with a friend, enjoying some whiskey, and I really believe he just wasn’t paying attention to how much he was consuming.

Many of us have been there.

And yet, I had absolutely no understanding for the situation.

I suppose I should have.

He was still acting completely normal, albeit with some mumbled speech. He was being pleasant and helpful. And rather than stumbling around the house like an imbecile, he opted to go to bed early — which is exactly what you should probably do in this circumstance.

I should have been thankful.

Besides, I have acknowledged my own struggles with alcohol habits.

Who am I to judge?

I feel like Holden Caufield from the book “The Catcher in the Rye.”

Oozing hypocrisy.

Why was I so annoyed?

Well, I can think of two reasons:

1. My husband is diabetic.

It’s not that you can’t drink alcohol if you have diabetes. It’s just that you should be a bit extra careful about it. He hadn’t checked his sugar levels in advance as recommended, and he didn’t check them after, either. That made me concerned.

I want him to live a long, healthy life with me. And I guess I just felt like he didn’t care enough on that night.

2. Fear

I belong to a local mom-oriented online support group, and I have seen so many stories of women whose partners have developed an alcohol dependency later in life.

(I am sure it happens the other way around, too — but our group is composed exclusively of women, plus one token male, who happens to also be married to a man. So this is the perspective I see).

Even though my husband rarely drinks to excess, every time, I panic and think it’s becoming a slippery slope. And every time, it takes me a few days to understand that I am overreacting.

The good news is, other than a few questioning comments in his direction, I did not take my feelings out on my husband. I kept them mostly to myself.

That alone is progress. I used to be the queen of blurting out whatever feelings were boiling inside of me.

I guess I am learning.

Despite knowing that my thoughts and worries were a bit off of the rails last night, it still feels good to talk about it. I find that admitting my mistakes out loud helps further my self-reflection. Even if I may sound, to others, like a bit of a nutter-butter.

To anyone who read this far, thanks for “listening”. I appreciate you.

Now if only I could learn to listen to myself!