Announcing: Old-Timey Title Insurance and Escrow Company
Where Everything Old is New Again
Want Ads:
Negotiators with experience in kidnapping, extortion, ransom payment, and reading the subtext of snarky evil-Twitter posts. Must speak Russian.
IT Specialists with experience in hacking, IP tracing, social engineering, assessment, containment, and turning computers off and then on again.
Lawyers with experience in data breaches, data breach responses and notices, SEC filings, retracting data security and privacy promises, defending the company against customer lawsuits, and brazen customer poaching by competitors.
Psychologists with experience in escrow closer PTSD.
Press Release:
Only what we absolutely have to tell you by law, nothing more and nothing less. Feel free to call us, but don’t expect anyone to answer the phone because we got rid of all those employees years ago. Happy Thanksgiving. We don’t know exactly where your funds are, but they’re probably somewhere around here.
Want Ads:
Escrow closers with skills in de-escalation, the appearance of active listening without actually listening, smiling while keeping mouth shut, arithmetic, and abacus use. Salary commensurate with math skills and executive bonus requirements because someone has to own those mansions near Mar-a-Lago, and it might as well be us.
Title examiners with excellent handwriting and skills in reviewing the grantor/grantee indices, finding the county grantor/grantee and name indices, finding the various county recorders of deeds offices, proofreading, high school level algebra and geometry, and rote memorizing title exceptions. Low salary unless you try to unionize, which you won’t, and we know that because you’re professionals, whatever that means when we treat you like high school level interns.
Secretaries/Receptionists, typing on manual typewriters, changing typewriter ribbons, finding typewriter ribbons, painting white-out over mistakes, finding white-out, dialing phones, answering phones using a handheld receiver, dictation, shorthand, and whatever receptionists used to do that we can’t remember because we haven’t had any of you work for us in years, so you tell us, and if it sounds good, you’re hired. You must be willing to wear vintage clothing and deal with creepy sexist executives because it’s the 1950s all over again, baby.
Press Release:
Announcing the latest trend in title insurance and escrow: Old-Timey Title and Escrow Company. Our business model and motto is: Your closing will take a month, and you’ll learn to love it. Why will you love it? Because your name, address, employer’s name, salary, and social security number won’t end up on a Russian server, and your closing proceeds won’t be diverted to invade Ukraine.
We do everything the old-fashioned way — manually, including title exams and commitments, closing statements, checks, and tax reporting. The only mail we use is snail. All our employees have the best handwriting. We have phones we may even answer one day when we’re all staffed up. All our escrow officers actually know how to do arithmetic, and there’s an abacus in every closing room.
Bring change for pay phones.