NOVEL

Anger

The Love We Had, Chapter 20

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20

He’s here all the time without being here. He may be present physically, but he’s not here in his mind. He is in another place, far away. He only thinks about his own things, what interests him. He only thinks of going out, hunting, or fishing. His only focus is on going away, driving out to the farm near the fjord where he grew up. Go hunting up in the mountains.

It’s not just me who has tried to tell him: “You must grow up, man. You must become an adult, man.”

I know there are others who think like that. His sister once said to me: “Lasse — an overgrown boy.”

But his parents do not mind. His mother always says: “Lars, he is such a good boy.” And his father — the son becomes like the father, what else can one expect?

So many times, I have tried to make it work. I’ve tried to talk to him.

“You must complete what you started. What you did not do yesterday, can you do it today?”

I always meet silence, no matter what I say.

“And if you do not do it today,” I say, “will you do it tomorrow then?”

“You do not think about how much responsibility I have,” I say, “you do not think about what I need.”

He turns the deaf ear to me. And I need someone who sees me, who listens properly. Someone who wants me.

He never speaks. That’s the problem. When I talk to him, he rests silent.

“When was the last time you said you wanted me?”

“Lars, say something!”

I talk to him. And I meet the silence.

“Lars, I need to know.”

Still no reaction. He’s like stone. I think I’m going crazy.

I ask: “What does it take for you to change?”

“I’m lonely, Lars. Why can’t you understand?”

“I want you. And do you want me, or don’t you want me? Do you want someone else? Is that the reason why you reject me?”

It’s a conversation I’ve tried to start so many times. Sometimes he answers with a word or two.

“No,” he says. “It’s not that.”

Then he stops. He’s just as dumb as ever.

“What do you want? Answer me! — What do you want? Is it so difficult to say something? Is it so difficult to say what the problem is?”

Sometimes I give up. It’s useless. But that is no option, really. So, then I go back to him. I refuse to give up.

“You must understand,” I say, “— we need to talk together.”

“About what?” he replies.

Or: “Why?” he says.

“Can’t you just be a little attentive, Lars?”

“Can you be a little different — as you are now — this cannot go on!”

“Can’t you surprise me a little? Please, do me a favour!”

“Who do you want to be, Lars? — Who are you? Tell me! Are you someone other than who you say you are?”

I was trying to talk to him. I have tried so many times, but he does not hear what I say. I have tried so many times that I hardly know. Words, sentences. All the time new sentences, new questions I ask him.

Most of the time he’s silent. He doesn’t play back to me. So, it’s an eternal circle. I talk. I say things. And I meet the silence.

I feel like shouting, but I know from experience that it doesn’t work. So, I let go.

I say to myself: “How long it will take before he will begin to understand what I need? How long will it take for him to understand that I am a different person? I am not the one he thinks I am.”

I sometimes also get angry: “Who do you really think I am? — I beg you, answer me! I’m not going to stop until you answer.”

Endless questions that he never answers. Which he never shows he takes seriously.

In the end, it was as if I had used up all the gunpowder. I most wanted to give up everything.

“You’re not interested,” I tell him. “I know it! Yes, right, you have since long ago showed me that. Now, just tell me, just say it if you are tired of me. You have to say it if you want to end it all.”

But seriously, he showed little interest. Did he listen? Did he get it?

When I was down in such deep waves, everything felt hopeless. I was close to giving up everything. But then I thought: “It just can’t be like that. We just have to get along. We must get along. It’s not worth it like this. It’s not viable. If we give up, we are doomed. Everything is lost. We are lost — more or less.”

I have to recover. I have only this one life. I will not throw it away. I will not throw away my life. Not only will I be locked up here in this ugly city. I risk experiencing people talking behind my back and looking at me and criticizing me.

I feel nobody understands this. Can anyone understand this? — It’s just not possible. I’m so sorry. I feel empty.

Here in this dirty small town everyone should fit in. Like everyone else, I have to fit into the pattern, and as a matter of fact, I do not fit into the pattern. I am an outsider.

Yes, if I do not fit in then I am outside. Because that’s what I’ve learned, that’s what they teach me. When I look at myself and when they tell me I have to accept.

The story that the novel tells takes place in a small industrial town at the end of a fjord in western Norway. The story being told and the characters are fictional.

The photos included in the chapters are taken on location in the Odda Smelter (Odda Smelteverk, 1906–2003), the carbide factory that is part of the story.

The Love We Had

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars. Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak. Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -chapters 18–48, told by Eira.

Previous: Chapter 19 Where have you been?

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