Despite our beliefs, we are NOT indispensable.

And the Universe laughed.

After a while, I laughed with it.

April is done and dusted and gone with the wind (not the movie) and my 30-Day-April Challenge is done and dusted along with it. Naturally, me being me, I hadn’t even taken time for the dust to settle before I was breaking out a new plan, papers scattered across the kitchen table, compass and pen in hand, calculator ticking. Okay, maybe not quite, but you get the general idea.

Despite swearing black and blue and all shades of the rainbow that I’d never do another challenge like it (a decision I stand by), that, in no way, stood in the way of me taking on something new. You better believe I was boots on, guns loaded, and swag by the door.

Sure. I had a plan. The Universe (Fate, Destiny, Life, call it what you will) had another.

First of all, the weather came down. Now, I was ready for this. I had, in actual fact, been waiting for it because being forced indoors by the weather means freedom to retreat guilt-free to the study to catch up on the things I’m not doing while the sun shines and I’m outdoors instead. Yip, it rained. So far, so good.

Part of my personal wellness component of last month's challenge was walking daily. This, intended as separate from the general hard labor I might do when I’m outdoors, was solely to; spend some time with my dogs (they were extremely happy with this arrangement), spend some time quietly in my own head (given the crowd up there, this is a difficult state to acquire), and get some gentle exercise to warm me up for the day. Aside from the three near-drowning days where I figured insanity probably wasn’t a prerequisite to routine, I went every-single-day, and I was pretty damn pleased with myself. (Let me just point out, it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy.)

My extended and improved plan for May, therefore, was to double down on the walking. Instead of once a day, man, you know it. . . I’d go twice! Once in the morning and once in the afternoon.

Now, in and of itself, this wasn’t a bad move. I’ve trained competition horses for years and the policy was always (as with most things) slow is fast; you start out slow and build slow and, in the long run, you achieve better results for less potential injury and break down. In other words, walking twice rather than walking further or faster made more sense.

BUT, I hadn’t yet taken a break. It’s not as if starting out with walking every day was the only thing I did in April and maybe, just maybe, I was a little more worn out than I wanted to admit. Not that I was listening. At first.

A little rain wasn’t going to stop me. Note; not a little rain. Monday morning came and I kitted up, released the hounds and off I went. Yeah, I wasn’t feeling too great but I figured I’d simply push through and I’d be fine (sure, and we all know what that means: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. F.I.N.E is never a good place to be.) I came back with full plans to get into that backlog of reading I had stacked up and . . . it stopped raining and I went outdoors and worked instead.

Afterwards, I went for that afternoon walk. I still wasn’t feeling great. Not like I had a flu or anything (I do NOT do sick!) but more that the fuel tank was a little low and I wasn’t quite firing on all cylinders. Fuck it! I. have. a. fucking. plan. so. . . well, quite simply, I’m not stopping. (I know, I know, Stubborn isn’t only my middle name, it’s practically my only name.)

That evening, despite my previous admonishments to myself that I wouldn’t continue my challenge into May and I’d take a break, I headed into my study anyway. I mean, I had a routine. Why break it?

Which was when the Universe laughed.

First of all, the internet went down. It happens here quite regularly and it’s a reminder to us that we’re not only the District 12 of New Zealand but only marginally above third-world status. Dodgy internet is only one of our concerns living where we do. But that’s neither here nor there and the point is: NO INTERNET! Bollocks, crapballs, and fucktwats. Now what?

Note: no internet also means. . . NO NETFLIX! At least the MIG (my desktop) wasn’t down so I could still work but my plans of writing, reading, and engagement with my writing community whanau followed by Alchemy of Souls kind of had to take a detour.

By the next morning, the internet was STILL down. That’s okay, thunk me. I’ll go outside and get some more of those jobs done that I have on my seemingly neverending To do list. Mwahahaha! The Universe laughed some more. Rain became tropical deluge. There would be NO going outdoors and, walk? Arlan’s lame and Blu is lame and everything is telling me; slow the fuck down.

So, where am I at today?

Well, the internet popped back up yesterday afternoon but the rain got heavier. I am being forced into respite, whether I want it or not so, what am I going to do about it?

I could say, Fuck it, and carry on anyway. I could and, previously, I would have. I won’t. Intead, I may have developed a smidge of common sense over the previous month of my challenge because I’ve decided that if the Universe has decided to laugh, I might as well laugh with it. Yes, I most definitely have a new plan for May, and I’ll get to it but, in the meantime, I’m taking a few days to rest and recuperate. I see some retreating to my bed for an afternoon snooze and some Netflix binge-watching, and some lazy Spotify playlist lounging by the fire with coffee and home-made cookies. Why not? I’m under no obligations to do anything after the animals are fed and bedded and that’s a couple of hours out of my day at most. Isn’t this what retirement and getting well is supposed to be about?

There’s nobody to judge me or make demands of me but me and it’s time to tell myself to back the fuck down and let me be in the best possible shape to move forward at my own pace. I’m a fat lot of use to anybody, most specifically ME, if I fall down and can’t get back up. Me and my personal well-being come first and that’s not selfish, that’s common bloody sense. A drowning man cannot save a man drowning. Take care of number one first so that number one can then take care of others.

Try taking a leaf out of my book and let my lessons become your lessons. Take a look at where you’re at. You’re of absolutely no use to anybody if you’re crumbling and taking time out to ensure your own well-being is no different from doing the maintenance on the ambulance before heading out to an emergency. The ambulance is of no use if it breaks down and can’t do the job it’s intended for: and you’re no different.

If you’re struggling in any way, maybe it’s time to stop and reassess where you’re putting your energy. Are the things on your To do list really non-negotiable? I’d hazard a guess they’re not. Unless it’s of actual life-threatening urgency (like, I must apply this tourniquette to this amputated leg before somebody bleeds out), chances are it’ll keep. I suspect we have a tendency to attribute WAY too much importance to ourselves; If I don’t do it, nobody will. If I don’t fix it, nobody can. Yeah, we’re not actually indispensable.

I recall a colleague of mine once saying to me when I was being pressured into taking extra shifts at the prison with the old ‘there’s nobody else and we really need you’ routine: You know what, Tai? If you dropped dead, right here and right now, they’d step over your dead body and find somebody else.

He was bloody well right! Nothing is that bloody urgent and nobody is that bloody indispensable that somebody else can’t take up the reins should you happen to drop dead. Why rush it? Take a moment. Take a breath. Will the world end if you back down and recover? I doubt it, unless you happen to be God. And if the world as you know it isn’t going to end, what’s the bloody hurry? Realistically, what’s the worst that can happen if you take some you-time? And be honest. You. Are. NOT. God. The world won’t end in either your temporary or even permanent absence. Get over yourselves and permit yourselves a break.

I’m gunna.

To ALL of you fabulous writers out there,

Kia kaha and aroha nui. 💞

Fighting! 👊

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