REAL LIFE HUMOR

An Open Letter to Zoom

Happy Valentine’s Day. Now let’s break up.

Dear Zoom,

Happy Valentine’s Day to the one that is always there for me.

I know we have been inseparable. You’ve been there for me when I needed it most. You’ve been my rock and my go-to space for work and life these past 12 months.

But I…um…need to let you go.

I know the timing sucks. So, I hope you don’t take this personally. Break-ups are hard. And it’s not you. It’s me.

You are amazing.

You’re good in bed or on my desk. Or even on the kitchen counter. At night. In the morning. All day really.

You clearly love to play dress up and enjoy a little role play. Sometimes you have me show up for our get-togethers as a rabbit or a potted plant. And nothing I do ever seems too outlandish for you.

Best of all, you take me places I never thought I would go. Just yesterday, you took me to Hawaii so I could do yoga. Then today, you managed to change my whole living room into a Pottery Barn catalog. And because of you, I no longer need to clean any room in my house. That is the BEST gift you could give a woman.

Over the past year, you have made me totally comfortable just being me. I don’t have to worry about what I wear. In fact, all I need is a t-shirt. You have made wearing pants entirely optional. You alone did that for me.

And you make me laugh. All the time. This week, you turned a Texas lawyer turned into a talking cat. That was comedy gold.

And not too long ago, you forgot to warn one of my colleagues that his camera was still on, and you let us all watch as he took off his clothes and did press-ups during our team meeting.

It’s times like these that I realize what a great sense of humor you really have.

But despite all these amazing qualities — we really do need to call it quits.

You see my husband feels we spend far too much time together. You could say he is jealous. And my kids now think they need to go through you to get a hold of me. Which let’s face it, they often do.

I know this is crazy. But we’ve just taken things too far. You’ve gotten a little too possessive for your own good.

Please don’t be mad. I’ve seen what you do when you get cross. Don’t leave me hanging. I know you can be temperamental. But don’t throw a tantrum and kick me out without notice. Again. And again.

Let’s just be grown-ups about this.

I know we can get through this difficult time. I hate to abandon you like this. Especially on Valentine’s Day. But I need a little time away from virtual life so I can focus on my real life.

Unfortunately, you have blurred those lines for me. I am not sure when this happened. I just stopped noticing the difference.

But here we are.

So, Zoom. Thanks for the good times. I’m going to call it a day.

I’ll be back tomorrow. But you won’t be seeing as much of me from now on. Because I’ve got real people to see and real places to go (even if I do have to put a pair of pants on to get there).

Virtual hugs and kisses,

The Zoom Lady

© Courtney Burry 2021

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