Summary

An individual expresses frustration through an open letter to a woman who disrupts the tranquility of a nature trail with her loud phone conversation.

Abstract

The author of an open letter addresses a woman who was observed talking loudly on her phone while walking on a nature trail. The letter emphasizes the importance of respecting the serene environment of nature, which is characterized by its quiet and peaceful ambiance, free from the intrusive sounds of modern life. The author points out that the woman's behavior not only disrupts the experience for others but also contradicts the purpose of the nature trail, which is to provide a quiet refuge from the noisy urban environment. The author suggests that the woman's conduct is indicative of a broader lack of consideration for others and the environment, and even extends to her parenting, potentially raising children who lack awareness of their impact on the shared spaces around them. The letter serves as a reminder that certain places, like nature trails, are sacred and require a level of decorum akin to that in a museum or library.

Opinions

The author believes that the woman's behavior on the nature trail is symptomatic of a larger societal issue, contributing to the extinction of the human species' appreciation for quiet and nature.
Nature is described as a silent sanctuary that should be respected and preserved, with any human-made noise being an intrusive disruption.
The author sarcastically suggests that the woman might not understand the concept of a nature trail, equating her phone conversation to a disruptive fart during a beautiful opera solo.
The letter implies that the woman's children may be learning her inconsiderate behavior, which could have long-term negative effects on their respect for nature and others.
The author humorously compares the woman's importance to a cavewoman in a museum diorama, suggesting she overestimates her significance in the natural setting.
The author is critical of people who exhibit other rude behaviors in public spaces, such as improper use of turn signals or hoarding toilet paper, and groups the woman with these individuals.
The author suggests that there are appropriate places for phone conversations, such as in a car or at home, but a nature trail is not one of them.
The letter is written with a tone of satirical exasperation, aiming to convey the importance of mindfulness and respect in natural settings.

OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to the Lady Yammering on her Phone on the Nature Trail

You are the reason our species is going extinct

Dear Lady,

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt because I suspect Lady is euphemistic, and woman or broad or harlot might fit better. But for now I’ll assume you are usually a lady, just not today.

I saw you this morning, chugging along the forest path, merrily talking to someone about the fascinating details of your life.

The Nature Trail is a place where people go to appreciate a setting that is the polar opposite of a laundromat. No crying babies, no droning machines, no uncomfortable seating, and no one-sided cell phone conversations about the tedium of human existence.

Let me break it down for you into simple terms because I don’t think Nature Trial means what you think it means.

Nature

Like obscenity, Nature is hard to define but I know it when I see it and hear it. It includes leaves, gophers, moss, twigs, antelope, and puddles. And that is an introduction, really, just to give you a taste.

Most things in nature are silent. It’s a beautiful backdrop for the rare and delightful sounds of the breeze, birdsong, the rustle of squirrels in the leaves, and the sweet hum of insects that aren’t cicadas.

You might be wondering why, with all the silence in Nature, your itty bitty cell phone convo would bother anyone?

Because Nature is so darned quiet and peaceful and soothing to the human nervous system that any non-nature sound immediately propels us back into the World of Men. Which, as you know, is quite different from The Shire and the land of Elves.

Men clomp, oppress the innocent forest creatures, and own cell phones.

It’s like listening to a beautiful opera solo or better yet a heart-stirring rendetion of Amazing Grace when an audience member farts midway. But not just one mistaken fart, rather an oratory of flatulence.

Is that who you want to be? No, Lady, I don’t think so.

Trail

A trail is a place for walking or running. It’s usually clearly demarcated.

Sometimes there will be cairns, which is a technical term for a pile of rocks to point the way forward.

Notice the rocks are silent.

Trails happen in parks and along rivers and even in the tonier ‘hoods. But in nature, the trail is a small, quiet of civilization. A slim reminder of our heavy presence in this world. A place for feet, two at a time.

Unless there is a family screaming at each other or you, a lady holding an important phone call, Nature is a balm 100% free to anyone.

Nature + Trail

Here is where the sum is greater than its parts.

The Nature Trail is sacrosanct. The two words quietly say:

It’s time to be quiet.

It’s so obvious even children know how. That’s why Rangers haven’t yet put up signs that say:

Shhhhh! You’re in Nature!

The point of the trail is to act as if you are in a museum, surrounded by a huge diorama. You use museum-voice. It was once library-voice but ever since people started using libraries for finding jobs, sleeping, free toilets, and dropping off their kids for daycare, library-voice has become normal-voice.

Normal-voice, meanwhile, has morphed into ordering-at-the-deli voice.

Pretend you are in a diorama in a museum, and that you are one of the stuffed cavewomen.

Have you never been to a museum? I can work with that. Imagine you are a person who is 70% less important than you currently think you are.

Other People are Tired of Tolerating Your Bullshit

If you are yakking into your phone on the Nature Trail, I’d wager all of the following apply to you and your loud, rude, clueless offspring:

— You use your turn signal to remind yourself to turn, at the last minute, moments after you hit the breaks

— Your children have names like Barleycorn and O’Persimmon and C9Z102R&

— You carry a large gun and a small dog in your designer purse

— You hoarded toilet paper and you’d do it again

— You tell others if they accept Jesus then they’ll be just fine like you are

Why am I picking on your children? Because you aren’t just ruining the peace and serenity of everyone around you, but you are teaching your children to do the same and they are defenseless, innocent creatures not unlike Bambi.

Bambi was a little deer who was murdered when she strayed into a lonely grove to escape a cell-phone yakker and was stomped to death by Godzilla.

When It’s Okay to Talk Into Your Phone

Thinking about making a call or answering one?

Do it in your car, do it at home, do it outdoors in a city where you can have some privacy. Why don’t you do it in the road? Okay.

It’s alright to do it smack dab in the middle of the road. A lonely road isn’t the same as a Nature Trail and by all means, do it in the middle of a busy intersection.

Signed,

Pagan Introverts Ltd.