An Open Letter to the Jackass That Took Two Parking Spaces

Summary

An individual expresses frustration and resentment towards a driver who took up two parking spaces at a busy mall, impacting others including the writer's stepdaughter.

Abstract

In an open letter, the author recounts an incident at Beltway Plaza Mall in the 1980s where they were unable to find a parking spot due to a driver occupying two spaces with their car. The author, who was accompanied by their young stepdaughter eager to see a newly released movie, describes the inconvenience caused by the inconsiderate parking job, especially on a busy weekend. The letter conveys the author's irritation at the driver's selfishness, mocking the driver's choice of a hideous yellow sports car as an overcompensation for insecurities. In retaliation, the author deflated the driver's tires, teaching their stepdaughter a lesson about the consequences of such behavior and hoping the driver learned from the experience.

Opinions

The author believes the driver's actions were unnecessarily inconsiderate, especially given the busy timing of a blockbuster movie release.
The driver is perceived as overcompensating for personal insecurities with a flashy car, which the author finds laughable.
The author takes satisfaction in the retribution they carried out, suggesting it was a deserved lesson for the driver's selfishness.
The author implies that the driver's behavior had a broader impact, potentially causing others to miss out on dining at the mall's buffet.
The author uses the incident to impart a moral lesson to their stepdaughter about the ripple effects of selfish actions.

An Open Letter to the Jackass That Took Two Parking Spaces

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Dear I Can’t Get a Scratch on My Car,

Beltway Plaza Mall, the 1980s, Greenbelt, Maryland. You probably don’t even remember me. But ah, I remember you…

It’s a blockbuster movie being launched on the weekend. The mall parking lot is literally full. Literally, I know. I showed up early and did laps around the entire complex like I was warming up for NASCAR.

There are no spaces.

Well, there was one. The one that half of your car was in. How big of a dick do you have to be to pull some crap like that on a normal day? But on a Saturday with the release of (enter Big Name Debut here)?

Did I mention I had my stepdaughter with me? Yeah. The youngest one. The one who was dying to see this movie.

I finally got a spot too near Bob’s Big Boy at the front of the mall. I hope whoever would have had that spot didn’t mind missing out on eating at the buffet since I missed a parking spot closer to the theater.

See the ripple effect of your selfishness here, mister?

And yeah, you are a “mister.” No self-respecting female would ever own anything that was such a hideous shade of yellow. And that sports car? Ugh. It screamed of desperation. You were way overcompensating. For what I don’t know. Maybe your inability to park? A small dick? No, that can’t be it. We’ve already established you’re an enormous dick.

But all was not lost. My stepdaughter had a learning moment that day when I took the stem out of your front left and back right tires. I figured it was the least I could do. Give you a little something to think about as you hobbled down the road to get your tires replaced. Better yet, I hope a flatbed had to haul your manly-man Big Bird yellow sports car to the nearest tire shop.

And with all of life’s lessons, it hurt you way more than it hurt me.