OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to the Coal-Rolling A-Hole Who Lives Down the Street

I don’t like you. My dog doesn’t like you. The birds don’t like you. Nobody likes you.

Dear Coal-Rolling A-Hole,

Every morning when I go out to walk my dog, the same coal-rolling A-hole comes by to blast a huge cloud of noxious fumes and vegetation withering pollutants.

Then with a laugh and a smirk, he turns the corner and goes raging down the street. The sound of his roaring motor makes the windows shake and wakes up the children who are trying to sleep.

His truck is this pathetic little shriveled up impudent pile of trash. I think he built his coal-rolling mechanism from a home kit. It’s black smokestack about the diameter of a coffee can that is mounted in the middle of the bed and rises up over the cab.

The bumper is covered with Confederate flags and “F$%k your feelings” and “I love Jesus” stickers.

When he hits the gas, the motor blasts and he wakes up the elderly residents with terminal illnesses in the assisted living facility across the street.

The cloud of black nasty is enormous. It’s thick and wet and smells of diesel fuel. Even my dog looks up at me when this happens as if to say, “What the f?”

I haven’t tracked down where this guy lives yet, and I don’t want to know.

What I would like is for somebody to attach one end of a hose to the top of his smokestack and put the other end into his cab. That way, the next time he hits the gas and belches toxic fumes into the world, they go right into his lungs.

That’s fair.

Except, that would likely block his vision and he’d probably drive into a group of children in the middle of a field trip. Then he’d end up on the news claiming he was the victim of a terrorist attack and conservative media personalities would turn him into some kind of hero and he’d end up with a billion dollars.

Meanwhile, the families that had lost the children would be victim shamed and told the children never really existed and that it was all a false flag attack meant to take away gun rights, free speech, and religion.

Seriously, how can it be legal to drive a vehicle that belches a toxic cloud of smoke into the air? How do I know that’s not nerve gas or something? Wouldn’t that be an argument conservatives would use if anything inconvenienced them?

“Officer, he had what looked like some sort of nerve agent, so I shot him 86 times with my AR-15.”

“He was carrying an asthmatic inhaler.”

“How do I know it wasn’t a lethal device disguised to look as an asthmatic inhaler? I just wanted to protect my family and god and patriotism and bald eagles and the southern border and my freedom of speech and my right to vote and football and baseball and no CRT in schools and parental rights for rapists and…”

I despise this guy in the coal rolling truck, though it does me no good to say so. He laughs at my anger because it represents attention. This pathetic little sorry excuse for a human being with his shriveled up genitalia never gets any attention. Coal rolling people and seeing how they react in the rear view mirror is the closest thing to human interaction for him.

Oh, and he also hits on waitresses and other women trapped in places where they have some sort of a contractual obligation to be. They can’t spray him down with air freshener and run away because they’ll get fired and people like him have ensured that health insurance is tied to labor so you have to endure a certain amount of sexual abuse from gross men no matter where you work.

What kind of society have we built? Why do we tolerate people like that? People build their identities around senseless acts of pollution. Coal-rolling is a thing! What the… ?

He’s probably on the school board. He’s probably the mayor. Maybe he’ll run for president.

Well, I’m not going to vote for him.

I don’t like him.

Just once I’d like to see somebody like that be forced to clean up after themselves. Another man-child. Another irresponsible lout. The nation has more of them than anything else. That’s why we’re more than 30 trillion dollars in debt.

They should know better than to provoke an adult. I’m not like them. I don’t go outside the law. I don’t attack people with noxious fumes while they’re walking their dogs.

But I have influence, and I will labor to deconstruct everything the coal-rolling jerks care about.

Who is laughing now?

That’s just it right? That’s America. America represents freedom. Everyone is free to do the things that bring them joy and happiness.

Some people choose to be responsible adults and clean up after themselves.

Some people choose to sneak into your room and jump engine oil on your bed.

I know right? Hilarious! To each his own and god bless them. My only question is, if it’s so great, why don’t those people ever dump engine oil on their own beds? Why don’t they ever stick around to see the consequences of their actions? Why do they scream they are victims at the mercy of terrorist assaults if somebody ever does to them what they constantly do to others and laugh about?

I guess I don’t get it. I guess freedom just means something different for everyone.

I don’t think you should have the freedom to coal roll me. After all, I don’t have the freedom to respond in kind. Why is that?

Sincerely,

A decent human being (unlike yourself)

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