An Open Letter to Tattoo(ers)
The unblemished silent majority speaks
‘Sup Inkers,
Let’s get one thing straight: this isn’t a letter putting down people who’ve chosen to get tattoos. Rather, it’s a diatribe against bad tattoo decisions.
I’m keeping the owners of said objets d’art anonymous. The tattoos themselves will not be outed, either — unless it’s a cat.
Any resemblance to persons living, dead, or half-dead is purely coincidental.
The Penis Tattoo
Where to start? Let’s begin by introducing the hero in The Tale of Tell-Tale Penis Tattoo. His name is Larry and he’s about 32.
Larry works as a high school teacher. I won’t get into what subject. I also can’t identify what the actual tattoo is.
In truth, I wish I didn’t know.
How do I know Larry has a penis tattoo? Because Larry and my friend Zack were down at the health food store one day when Larry started to brag about his pecker tat.
Then he whipped it out, right there in the store.
Is Larry a sexual predator who maybe shouldn’t be teaching children? I dunno. We have a teacher shortage, and the guy IS very likable.
Larry also overshared with another co-worker of mine, when he and I taught at the same school. He described how totally awesome his bachelor party in Vegas was, with hookers and video games.
Is Larry a sex addict?
Please don’t get your Johnson inked up. You’re gonna regret it when you get into a 12-step program for your addiction.
The Neck Tattoo
I’ve never known anyone with a neck tattoo who isn’t emotionally scarred and deeply untrustworthy. But what the hell do I know, that only includes three people.
If you want to not get an office job, get a neck tattoo.
Next we meet Pat, who wore a neck tattoo of a symbol. When I asked Pat what the symbol meant, she responded with:
“I can’t remember.”
Later, I met Ricardo. Worse, I worked with Ricardo. He had a big ole blue-ish, prison style tat on his neck. He also couldn’t park, continually checked his cell phone during meetings, and took incompetence on the job to new levels.
Don’t tat your neck. You might not be rich enough, like Johnny Depp, to get it removed when you break up with Winona Ryder.
The Cat-on-the-Ankle Tattoo
Another teacher — what is it with high school teachers and tattoos? — went super subtle. She got a tiny tattoo of an adorable cat on her ankle.
If you’re gonna put permanent ink on your skin, commit. You don’t have to join the Hell’s Angels, but try for something original like a parrot or a goat.
Cats are for YouTube, laps, and Facebook — not tattoo parlors.
Or, hell, put a Chesire cat on the small of your back.
I’ll be honest — I didn’t like Mrs. Purrfect. She was officious and once told a student he should never belch. A sensible teenager, he recounted this anecdote while shaking his head and rolling his eyes.
The I’ve-Gone-Native Tattoo
This is the tattoo in black or deep blue with an abstract design that announces:
“I wish I were Polynesian but I’m from the suburbs.”
Would you wear a grass skirt, or use a flaming torch instead of a flashlight when walking the dog after dark? No?
It would be more honest to have the name of your favorite band printed on your skin for all eternity, or the names of your kids.
Unless, of course, you are an anthropologist who has lived with a tribe for several years. Then, cover your body with tattoos.
The Ben Affleck Back Tattoo
Ben has been through a lot of changes in his life. I don’t think he’s much over 40, but he’s surfed the waves of victory and regret like few celebrities before him.
Sometimes, Ben has fallen off his surfboard and been hit over the head with it.
His giant back tattoo is the stuff of legends. God knows how much it costs, the level of pain he endured, and how much it cost to remove.
He choose a multi-colored phoenix rising from the ashes. As you do.
We can estimate how much humiliation it caused him, though.
Better to get an ankle cat than a back covered in a three-headed dragon or a portrait of your Harley Davidson.
The Wrinkled and Faded
When you get old, your tats are gonna fade — just like your testosterone. They’re also gonna droop — like your boobs.
What’s more, those beauteous images of yesteryear will need touch-ups.
When you get old and wrinkled, and I hope you do, the last thing you want is another reminder.
Take it from me, faded bell-bottoms go out of style and old soldiers tell boring war stories.
And, Finally
I hope you’ll forgo getting a penis tat, inking your neck, choosing a trite image for your ankle, and pretending you are from Guam.
I’m certain most of you can’t afford to cover your whole body in ink.
Consider what those tats will look like when you are old and gray.
But if none of those pleas is enough, then remember you should always put safety first. Tattoos aren’t safe, but not because you might get hepatitis from a needle.
Before tattoos got popular, it was easy for the cops and other authorities to quickly discern sociopaths. How? Well, they had three or more tattoos!
Now, however, the cops are flying blind.
This leads to more police harassment.
You will notice most Black people don’t have a lot of tattoos. Maybe it’s because they have better skin, I mean purely from an aesthetic perspective. Maybe it’s because it’s harder to see a tattoo on darker skin.
More likely, it’s because they reduce their odds of being wrongfully arrested and/or attacked by The Man.
It’s safer to avoid tattoos!
We, the unblemished, implore you to consider why you are making this lifetime commitment.
Regards,
A wrinkled non-inker
