Summary

The author of the open letter expresses outrage at the adulteration of peanut butter by manufacturers who add sugars and oils, thereby undermining its health benefits and deceiving consumers.

Abstract

In an impassioned open letter, the author chastises peanut butter manufacturers for what they perceive as a deliberate corruption of a healthy food staple. The author argues that these companies have engaged in deceptive practices since the 1980s, not only misleading the public but also tarnishing the legacy of George Washington Carver. The letter details the author's dismay at finding that even products labeled as "peanut butter" contain added sugars and oils, turning a wholesome legume into an unhealthy spread. The author points out the misleading labeling, the addition of unnecessary ingredients, and the health implications of these practices, calling for a return to pure, unadulterated peanut butter.

Opinions

The author believes that peanut butter manufacturers are engaging in unethical practices by adding sugars and oils to what should be a healthy product.
There is a strong sentiment that the addition of these ingredients is done for profit at the expense of consumer health.
The author feels that the misleading labeling, with "peanut butter" prominently displayed and "spread" in smaller print, is a deliberate attempt to deceive consumers.
The letter suggests that the inclusion of certifications like "Orangutan-Friendly" and "non-GMO" is a smokescreen for the manufacturers' true agenda of promoting an unhealthy product.
The author is particularly offended by the exploitation of George Washington Carver's legacy in promoting these adulterated products.
There is a call to action for consumers to be more aware and to demand the return of pure peanut butter to the market.

OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to Peanut Butter Charlatans

Your unholy faux Spread should land you in jail

Dear Peanut Butter Thieves,

I sent my husband to the store, but he is not so cunning and crafty as I. He was duped by your cloak-and-dagger ways, your ruthless campaign of deception that began in the 1980s.

Speaking of history, remember George Washington Carver? One of the few historical figures we could relate to as kids, making the study of history less of a burden and making Black History month something to look forward to. It isn’t enough to fool children, my trusting spouse, vegetarians, and people who are trying to be vegan — in other words, everyone. No, you had to defile the memory of GW Carver, too.

You traitorous, wretched bastards.

Let’s start with how you’ve adulterated a wholesome food, then discuss your vile labeling deceit, including your flaming hatred of purity, and end by cataloguing the evil ways your additives are anti-life and pro-money. We are all are defenseless against your nasty little lies, and we shall be avenged.

What’s more, I will never again be able to blissfully toss you into my cart, pluck you off the shelf with confidence, or dip into your creamy or crunchy goodness without the burden of getting out my reading glasses.

You’ve taken a plant, a legume no less, and made it unhealthy. For profit. To serve to children and vegans. And then you loathsome hucksters lied to me about it.

Just how low can you go?

Are you are aware, Posers, that legumes are considered one of the five key factors in living to be over 100? You DO know, don’t you? In fact, it’s your knowledge of the magical peanut butter elixir that has caused you to exploit it.

You are like a pornographer who corrupts the sweet, innocent farm-girl just off the bus, arriving in Hollywood with a bounce in her step, 38% fantastic skin and the rest hopes and dreams. Don’t pretend I don’t know you would crush her starry-eyed spirit and put it in a jar with sugar and added oil, if you could.

And now, the world — or the .0000000003 percent of it who follow me — will know, too. You’ve consciously chosen to twist peanut butter’s health benefits into your mutant satanic child, conceived in a back alley and birthed in an even darker back alley.

And that howling demon child is Peanut Butter Spread.

Exhibit 1: The villanous ruse. Photo courtesy author.

The Labeling

Your carefully crafted label is clever. Some underpaid graphic artist — oh, yeah, I know you outsource this s*it and pay minimum — was told to come up with a label that says PEANUT BUTTER then makes sure all the other words barely readable. Especially the word SPREAD.

You call it peanut butter. In really small letters right underneath comes the modifier. I direct your attention, dear readers, to Exhibit 1: Justin’s (honey) PEANUT BUTTER spread.

On the back of this abomination that is NOT peanut butter— and we’ll get to exactly why in a moment — there is a cute little message from Justin about honey bees. Because it’s honey peanut butter, see? Except that’s also a bold-faced lie because it’s sweetened with honey … and sugar.

A bunch of certifications distract us from your real agenda: to turn the world from pure and wholesome into adulterated, fat, lazy, and stupid.

By the way, you’re succeeding beyond your wildest dreams.

One of the certifications is Orangutan-Friendly. Another says non-GMO. Stop kidding yourselves. Your label can’t hide your naked cruelty.

The Ingredients

Let’s get into why you suck. Recalling GW Carver, the ultimate pb cheerleader, let us note what he invented and promoted and studied and lived for.

It’s peanuts, ground into a delicious buttery paste. Hence the name, lest I remind you: peanut butter.

The ingredients in Justin’s and just about every other crappy peanut butter spread on supermarket shelves?

· Dry roasted peanuts

· Organic honey

· Organic cane sugar

· Peanut oil

· Palm oil

· Sea salt

And don’t think this is about shelf life. This jar, purchased May 10, expires June 1. You might be adding a week to the shelf life with the salt and sugar and extra oil, tops.

Justin has taken chicanery to the next level but Skippy and Jiff and the rest of ’em all add sugars and oils.

Don’t be distracted by the words organic, or “sea salt.” That’s Justin’s way of making you feel good about this monstrosity. The organic label slathers on an additional thick paste of deceit. At least chocolate peanut butter or that kind with jelly striped through it is honest about itself.

The low-down

What’s around the corner, soylent green peanut butter?

Until I was faced with having to send my fully vaccinated husband to the grocery store all by himself to buy peanut butter, I didn’t realize how bad the problem was.

The man has a master’s degree and he couldn’t find peanut butter unadulterated with sugar.

You are aware sugar is causing us to get fat and lazy and mean-spirited, right?

You don’t think I was born this way?

I can’t hide my head in the sand any longer. I vow to defeat you. You will bring normal peanut back into our lives. We can’t return to the 1950s and considering the racism and sexism and horrific lack of adequate TV channels, we wouldn’t want to.

But we can damn sure start putting a simple, healthy legume back into American homes.

In the meantime, keep churning out spread. Keep pretending you’re making the world safe for orangutans and honeybees.

Because based on my breathtaking fan base, at least 14 people will read this all the way to the end and every last one of them will have the veil lifted. Their eyes will see, perhaps for the first time.

And they will stop sending their husbands to the grocery store.

I remain,

Pro-Legume