An Open Letter to Parents of Transgender Children…
From a parent who is transgender
I am 65 years of age. I lived with gender incongruence all my life. It took 60 years for my gender dysphoria to grow from a vague awareness to full-blown panic attacks and thoughts of suicide.
Ignorance made denial that I was transgender very easy.
I was ignorant and the world in which I was raised was ignorant. It was a pure binary world with no exceptions. Children are very perceptive and very adaptable, as you know. It is part of their survival instinct.
When I was a child, I quickly realized that my feminine instincts were, according to my parents, brother, family friends, church, and society that surrounded me, absolutely wrong and unacceptable. If I displayed my gender preference, I was even punished. I had a penis and the only doll I was allowed was a GI Joe.
So, I perceived, adapted and survived.
In my lifetime, gays and lesbians stopped being “criminals.” They then stopped being “mentally ill.” They earned equal rights. Finally, and joyfully, they were allowed to marry and adopt children.
I am seeing the same progression with being transgender but it does feel painfully slow. I am sorry that my life was not filled with sleep-overs, ballet and feeling pretty, but I have had a full life. My wife and I raised two excellent sons with tremendous hearts and generous spirits. I feel like I did my job as a parent. As all parents know, at times it is painful — even brutal — but the moments of parental joy wash all that pain away.
So, your child is transgender…
Your world is better than the one of my childhood, but it is still years away from being one in which transgender children are accepted and cherished by a community just like any other child.
My heart feels your pain.
You and your child deserve better but at least the efforts of other transgender individuals and advocates have made some progress. Unfortunately, there is so much more heavy lifting to be done.
I am truly sorry that you and your child will need to continue to battle against ignorance, but please never give up. The world of acceptance is growing with your child. In spite of set-backs and even steps backwards once in a while, we need to continue to make the two steps forward. At times it may not feel like it is happening, but it is still progress.
You know when you saw that special smile on your child’s face for the first time when they knew you accepted them for who they were? It must have been a special moment.
You are a special parent with a wonderful child. You will make sure that they never have to wait 60 years to finally accept themselves. They are already accepted by the most important person in their life, you.
I wish you both a life of happiness and continued hope. It also means a lot to me and many others to see that happiness, because it means progress.
No child deserves to live a life with gender dysphoria.
Warmest regards,
Writers note:
I dedicate this writing to Martie Sirois for courage under fire. You always inspire me and give me hope for tomorrow every day!
If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed definite themes: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria, and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.
My writing has three specific goals:
1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and accept myself to move forward.
2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender, and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.
3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted, and treated as normal people. We are.
Thank you for reading my work.
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