An Open Letter to My Period

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Abstract

ge. I wait for him. So, why is it, after months of absence, the second I decide I’ve gotta get me some, you show up? No warning, no announcement. I just went to the bathroom to freshen up and BAM….there you are. I’m kinda hating you right now, and my husband ain’t no fan either!Oh, and let’s not even talk about the money I have to spend. Seriously? Now I have to go out among people and buy tampons? For f*ck’s sake, tomorrow is cheque day, I don’t want to go out! I have no issue with the people who rely on government assistance, but I do have an issue with crowds and long lines. You know I’m not patient. You know there’s a pandemic, right? You know, here in Canada, we’re talking the 5th wave and new variants? How could you possibly send me out there? And, it’s the holiday season no less, those six dollars could make a great stocking stuffer for

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my son. Oh yeah, I know you don’t care.Stop the head games. Am I supposed to worry about being old and dried up and getting knocked up at the same damn time? This shit ain’t fair. I have friends that are grandmothers, but you won’t let me close the shop? But you’ll give me the night sweats and insomnia. Yeah, you’ll give me that alright.Come on, girl! I gave at the office. I had three kids. I gave you almost 40 years. Can we just call a truce already? Just go away for good. No more popping up unexpectedly. No more arriving just when I thought you were dead. And in turn, I’ll … well, I’ll nothing, I’ll be happy. I’m over you, so stop stalking me and go away. I have baby-free sex to have for the first time in decades if you don’t mind.Sincerely,An Unamused 50 Year Old Woman</article></body>

I’m 50, please go away

Dear Period,

We’ve been together a long, long time — since I was 13 or 14, I think. It’s time for you to fu&k off. No offense. But seriously, what’s your deal?

Since I turned 50, my sex drive has been through the roof! I’m not kidding, I mean through the freaking roof. Want it, need it, gotta have it! But I’m an old-fashioned gal. I don’t just jump on hubby the second I get an urge. I wait for him. So, why is it, after months of absence, the second I decide I’ve gotta get me some, you show up? No warning, no announcement. I just went to the bathroom to freshen up and BAM….there you are. I’m kinda hating you right now, and my husband ain’t no fan either!

Oh, and let’s not even talk about the money I have to spend. Seriously? Now I have to go out among people and buy tampons? For f*ck’s sake, tomorrow is cheque day, I don’t want to go out! I have no issue with the people who rely on government assistance, but I do have an issue with crowds and long lines. You know I’m not patient. You know there’s a pandemic, right? You know, here in Canada, we’re talking the 5th wave and new variants? How could you possibly send me out there? And, it’s the holiday season no less, those six dollars could make a great stocking stuffer for my son. Oh yeah, I know you don’t care.

Stop the head games. Am I supposed to worry about being old and dried up and getting knocked up at the same damn time? This shit ain’t fair. I have friends that are grandmothers, but you won’t let me close the shop? But you’ll give me the night sweats and insomnia. Yeah, you’ll give me that alright.

Come on, girl! I gave at the office. I had three kids. I gave you almost 40 years. Can we just call a truce already? Just go away for good. No more popping up unexpectedly. No more arriving just when I thought you were dead. And in turn, I’ll … well, I’ll nothing, I’ll be happy. I’m over you, so stop stalking me and go away. I have baby-free sex to have for the first time in decades if you don’t mind.

Sincerely,

An Unamused 50 Year Old Woman