OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to My Local Coffee Shop That Is Closed on Weekends

No, you don’t need time with your kids and hubby

Dear Wholesome Lady Who Owns the Green Orb Roastery,

Gosh darn it, why do you insist on putting your family first? I need to stop in for coffee whenever.

I’m often thirsty or tired, which as you know are my two default states of existence — and the other choices are … flippin’ Starbucks.

I feel like I’m channeling Napolean Dynamite right now in my vocal tones and word choice, like when he was justifiably exasperated by having to feed Tina the llama those disgusting leftovers.

Which reminds me, I’m pretty disappointed and maybe even a bit put-out. As you know, I drive into town once a week to get free, natural spring water down at Happy Hollow. You were the friendly coffee shop lady who directed me to Happy Hollow so I wouldn’t waste my time like the other turistas, filling up my water jugs in front of the National Park Headquarters.

And I really appreciate that, because I feel like less of a dork. I’m still puzzled, though, at this choice you’ve made to put your family over my need for good coffee! You close on Saturdays and Sundays with the lame excuse of wanting to spend time with your kids.

I know you’ve explained twice already why you made this boneheaded business decision but I’m still perplexed and distraught.

I agree that whenever I drop by — on a weekday— both of your boys seem to have sprouted several inches and possibly are going off to college next week, so time is fleeting.

But what about me? I crave freshly brewed coffee and the option of both almond and soy milk, even though I will always choose half-n-half, plus a chance to browse your collection of curated but overpriced, hippy-dippy stickers.

I can’t get cool stickers at Starbucks, even though their egg bites are the bomb. No, when I’m chillin’ at S-bucks, waiting for my Grande half-caff with heavy cream, I resign myself to gazing at their selection of mugs, which is duller than watching paint dry.

Also, wholesome lady, you say your kids are into mountain biking and that’s where the family goes most weekends. I guess that’s why all four of you look so athletic and as if you’ve been exposed to regular doses of fresh air.

There’s an alternative to fresh air and exercise, though. It’s called caffeine! You get the same effect, without the inconvenience of tying up your bikes on a car rack and driving all over creation, and without the disappointment of losing a race.

I’ve tried pleading, swearing, and reasoning with you but so far you keep putting your well-behaved kids before me. And that husband of yours, who is roasting blends with mellow yet confident personalities

What I haven’t tried is threatening to kill myself, yet.

In the meantime, I’m off to ‘bucks for my usual. I probably won’t even go in. Why bother? The baristas are too busy and underpaid and (most likely) resentful because I look like/am a Susan. They have no motivation to carry on a decent conversation. I don’t blame them one bit, either. They are working weekends with no end in sight and are way to poor to have families.

xxoo,

The Weirdo Lady Who Knows Way Too Much about Your Personal Life