OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to Costco

I think I’m in love with you

Dear Costco,

I love you. There, I said those three little words.

You bring me so much happiness and you complete me. You have everything that I could ever want or need.

Oftentimes, these are things that I didn’t even know I wanted or needed. But the moment you show them to me, I’m filled with this deep need to buy everything.

I enjoy casual strolls at sunset along all your aisles and I’m always paying attention to you. It would be a shame to miss any of your store-specific $x.97 clearance items. Don’t worry, I speak your language and know how to interpret the secret code of your price tags.

You enchant me.

You’re not just any mere grocery store. No, you’re so much more than that.

How can a single store have the variety that you carry, ranging in everything from electronics to jewelry, from kitchen appliances to fashion, from fresh produce to tires for my car?

Wal-Mart, Target, Walgreens, and Amazon combined have nothing on you! Don’t mind Sam’s Club. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

I look forward to our weekly dates and they’re the highlight of my week. I plan them meticulously and do my research ahead of time because I don’t want to miss a single seasonal item, hot buy, or price markdown.

I even put on real pants for these occasions!

You are constantly surprising me.

Sometimes you have new items that pop up like treasure along the beach. Sometimes you like to keep me on my toes by rearranging the items so I have to put in a little more effort.

Sometimes you even play hard to get with your limited in-store stock levels and make me drive across the city from store to store. I don’t mind these antics. It keeps things exciting.

I might be a little obsessed with you. My friends tell me I talk too much about you. Some of them are tired of hearing about you all the time but you’re always in my waking thoughts. Sometimes I even dream of you.

You tease and torment my self-discipline and more often than not, I cave. I’m not sure why I needed 5 bags of chocolate-covered nuts, 3 cases of kombucha, 6 workout shirts (in different colors), and 20 boxes of Christmas lights.

It made sense at the time.

Even when I’m traveling away from home, I like to check you out at different locations. It’s nice to see the cultural diversity that you have.

I especially like the Japanese flare you’ve got in Hawaii and that truffle brie you carry at your Quebec locations. I haven’t met your distant relatives yet in Europe, but I hope to, one day.

You also make the best food. I don’t know exactly what you put into that $1.50 hot dog but man, I am sold! Sometimes, I even live life on the edge and get the poutine as a side to that hot dog. Or is the hot dog a side to the poutine?

Did you know you even have a fan club?

Multiple fan clubs actually, all around the world. The one I’m part of is lots of fun and its members like to use “caw caw” as their secret call to identify each other.

Because of them, I’m regularly tempted to buy your dill pickle salad … even though I don’t like dill or pickles.

On the other hand, some people don’t understand you. They think that because they don’t have a family to feed, they don’t need you. Don’t listen to those non-believers. They’re missing the point completely, but hey, their loss is my gain, right?

I was committed to you even when I lived in a condo.

Even those three years where I was sent away for work to a small town that didn’t have a Costco, I was loyal to you. I would drive 2.5 hours each way and cross provincial lines just to visit you! But that’s ok, it was like a special occasion.

I reminisce about how my friends would make lists of things for me to bring back for them. Actually, now that I think back on it, it was mostly wine and sometimes that big bottle of vodka that you carry.

Can I be honest with you? Are we at that point in our relationship?

To be perfectly honest, our weekly dates have actually taken quite a toll on my wallet.

No no, it’s ok, you don’t have to pay for the next date! I work full time so I can support my spending habits with you. Sometimes I joke that if I’m ever laid off, I should just move in with you, but then I’d really be broke because I don’t know where my money goes when I’m with you. But you’re worth every cent.

Oh gosh, how do I even end this letter? I feel like I’ve bared my soul to you.

Did I say too much? Did I say too little?

I could go on but I don’t want to come on too strong.

I guess I just want to say thank you for always being there for me (except on statutory holidays), and I look forward to the day we can do free samples again.

Yours truly,

Executive Costco Member since 2014