Summary

The article is a satirical open letter addressing individuals who 'clap' on Medium without reading the content, criticizing their behavior and threatening to expose them.

Abstract

The author of the open letter expresses frustration towards Medium users who superficially engage with content by 'clapping' without actually reading it. The writer meticulously tracks their article statistics and notifications, revealing an ability to identify these disingenuous 'clappers'. The letter humorously threatens retribution, including reporting and blocking the offenders, while also mocking their lack of genuine engagement with the content. The author prides themselves on being a dedicated reader and writer, emphasizing the value of sincere interaction within the writing community.

Opinions

The author believes that clapping without reading is an insult to writers and devalues genuine engagement.
They are skeptical of the sincerity of claps received, especially when there is a discrepancy between the number of claps and actual reads.
The writer is critical of the 'clap and run' culture, suggesting it is disrespectful to the effort put into writing and reading.
They suspect that there is a coordinated effort or group dedicated to artificially inflating engagement metrics on Medium.
The author values loyalty and genuine readership, demonstrated by their habit of reading stories twice and giving standing ovations to content they appreciate.
They express a strong sense of justice, intending to report and block those who engage in dishonest clapping practices.
The writer is protective of the writing community and is determined to maintain its integrity by calling out insincere engagement.

DRY HUMOR

An Open Letter to All The Clever People Who Clap And Run

I will find you and I will slap you

Dear Clapper who Runs,

You’re probably never going to read this.

I’m still writing to you because I’m a loser. I always have been.

I put “open letter” in my title so you might see at least that and open my letter. How clever of me!

You presumably won’t even see my title to know — this letter is about you. Even if you did, I know you couldn’t care less. How clever of you!

I’m sure you don’t believe in reading. I understand you have to clap for many stories before you sleep tonight. How do you sleep at night?

In case you stumbled upon this and you’re still reading this out of curiosity or guilt, you know who you are. But what you don’t know is I know exactly who you are.

Let me tell you who you’re dealing with.

I look at my stats and notifications literally every 5 minutes when I’m awake, every 1 hour when I’m asleep. You think you’ve clapped and run without me noticing. But you see, I see you. I see you running faster than Usain Bolt.

Last Saturday night, I fell asleep for 2 hours straight mistakenly. I woke up in a panic and noticed — 100 claps and 1 comment. Something didn’t feel right. I was right — 1 read.

It wasn’t hard to find you when literally 2 people viewed my stories and clapped during those 2 hours.

I saw who read and who didn’t. The reader commented genuinely and clapped. You do the math.

Luckily, I’m not a famous writer. I tell you what, I’ll never be, a huge thanks to you. You see, this is my silver lining. Heck, it’s my gold lining. I always know what’s going on.

If you’re now thinking about leaving a fake comment like “Thank you for sharing” or “I love your story,” I’ll know.

I know a good reader when I see one.

I’m the guy who reads everyone’s story twice. Why? — Because I naturally read fast and I want the algorithm to consider what I read as read.

If people can finish reading a book in 200 minutes, I can finish the same book in 100 minutes. I’ll still remember the things I read more than they will.

I must read twice to cover the mentioned time in everyone’s story. I don’t leave anything to chance. That’s what goddamn loyalty is.

Reading is like eating ice cream to me. If possible, I’d even eat the same ice cream twice.

You, on the other hand, start reading my story and you can’t take my crap anymore or something offends you, you leave halfway through. That’s fair. But why would you clap if you don’t like what you read?

You can’t be that sympathetic, surely. If you were, you would’ve read my story once, let alone twice. Then you wouldn’t clap because you didn’t like it.

If I love someone’s story, I don’t just press the clap button. I stand in my house, press the clap button to give them a standing ovation they deserve — 50 claps.

I’m the guy who gives a long-standing ovation in Operas — until the whole auditorium is empty. You, on the other hand, probably book tickets to Operas and clap even before their performances and leave the Opera House.

Even when nobody reads my work, I don’t get upset. I love writing. But when you clap without even reading mine, it’s insulting.

Some poor people who probably get more reads than I are being deceived by your fake reading. They’d want to reciprocate genuinely. I’m sure you have your masterpieces now waiting to be read.

It irks me when you waste those poor people's time and more importantly, give them false joy.

Do you think they care about your claps? Your clap isn’t a clap. It’s crap.

Last night, I noticed a strange pattern. At 2 a.m., my notifications were sleeping unlike me. At 3 a.m., 9 people clapped. I had to check the stats.

I knew it. 450 claps. 0 reads.

That’s when I realized something big — I don’t think you’re operating alone. You guys are working together. You’re doing it to several losers like me. Especially ever since the Medium bonus, you’re everywhere.

I have a feeling you have an organization called “Clap and Run Without Waking Up the Losers.”

You probably have a Facebook group in the same name in which your members share stories of the poor writers, so you can clap every story. You receive those targets before every midnight to start your job at 3 a.m.

So, you don’t sleep at night.

You probably know where I live and my time zone. You think you can clap and get away because some genuine readers probably will have read my work and clapped at the same time to confuse my stats.

But you see, I don’t get any readers.

You’re such a letdown to the writing community.

This is a final warning to you even though you’re not going to read this:

You’re messing with the wrong guy. I’m always watching you. Next time you clap and run, I know who you are. I know what you want. I will find you. I will report you. I will block you. And, I will give a heads up to my legit Facebook group members in which you’re likely hiding already. That’s the bonus you deserve.

Do you want attention? I’ll give you attention.

Come clap now. I’m waiting.

Insincerely,

The Reader who Claps