DON’T LET THOSE BIG EYES AND FUZZY CHEEKS FOOL YOU

An Honest Obituary For a Hamster

He was an asshole, but he was our asshole

Peoria — With great relief, the Stanke family announces the passing of Mr. Wiggles.

Mr. Wiggles, two, was found unresponsive next to his food dish on Monday morning. The cause of death has not been determined, and probably won’t be — he was a fucking hamster.

Private services will be held in the side yard of the Stanke home. There will be no visitation. Internment will be in the black Waste Management bin.

Mr. Wiggles will not be missed. No one liked him.

“He was a gobshite,” said his brother Logan. “He liked to draw blood. I’m pretty sure he was laughing the other day after he nearly bit my pinky off.”

Known for the psychotic gleam in his eye, Mr. Wiggles had an unfortunate start to life. He was born Hamster 57533567 in a Topeka, Kansas rodent mill to Hamsters 45458672 and 45458643. He was the eldest of 187 siblings.

Sold to a Peoria Petco, Mr. Wiggles was later adopted by the Stanke family after a brief stint as Mrs. Fletcher’s first-grade classroom pet at Miller Elementary School, where his sister Maddie was a student.

Mr. Wiggles was considered an insurance liability after he bit three children in one week.

“They begged us to take him,” said his mother Rhonda Stanke. “Mrs. Fletcher was in tears. She said something about a lawsuit.”

Mr. Wiggles, or “that fucking rodent,” as his father called him, was a notorious escape artist and chewer. His favorite hobbies included wriggling out of his cage in the middle of the night to jump-scare his sister and destroying lamp cords.

“He was an asshole,” said his sister.

Mr. Wiggles is survived by his parents, Rick and Rhonda Stanke, sister Maddie Stanke, and brothers Logan and Josh Stanke, all of the home.

Other survivors include the family’s beloved dog, Oliver, and cat, Mrs. Peepers.