An Interview With My Masters: The Subtleties of Love
From the teachings of Nabir
Nabir was my spiritual teacher and mentor concerning the ways of the world. The things I learned from him, over half a century, have been the foundation for my meaningful, and very successful life.
Here is an introduction to Nabir and his teachings.
In one of his talks, Nabir spoke about the concept of love, and why so many speak about it while not really understanding it. He somehow, in his inspiring, and unusual way, was able to link these ideas concerning relationships, spirituality, and unnecessary struggles in life, with brain chemistry, and meaning.
Here is the Q & A session that followed that talk.
Q. What is love?
A. In many of the great spiritual teachings, wisdom Sages are often answering questions related to love in its many forms. One question that is often asked is, “What is a perfect definition of love?”
To describe love as if it is a thing is not the way to go about this exploration. The love that can be described is not the true experience of what love is. It is just a description. Still, I will do my best. Here is a simple list. According to my experience, love is …
· when a person makes you see things that you didn’t notice earlier.
· when a person gives a new direction to your life so that it helps you grow.
· when someone helps you find beauty in simple things.
· when someone is loyal to you, fights for you, and stands for you when no one else does.
Q. You say love cannot be described. Explore this idea further, please.
A. The beauty of the word love is that it can never be defined. It can only be felt. My words may seem meaningless to you, but for those who have loved someone in life, you know exactly what I am talking about. Yes, that face that comes to your mind when you hear this word. It is love. The thought that you can literally give up everything just to see them happy. This, my dear friend, is love.
Q. How can what you have said here be applied in practical terms?
A. Just act in any way you can, that you believe to be loving. The closer you are to “accuracy” here, the more loving you are likely to be, and the more you will allow yourself to be loved.
Q. It’s that simple?
A. Yes, and likely more difficult than you can imagine. The key here in terms of the practical exploration of the nature of love, is that you need to stop seeking to find the right definition. Just, go out and feel love. Serve others with love. Spread love. This world really needs it a lot. You know the song from the 1960s.
Q. What is romantic love?
Nabir answered with a wide grin.
A. Interesting question… I was wondering how long it was going to take before someone asked that. The definition of love itself is difficult enough — as that would then be the soil or “ground/base” for romance — in this particular case.
I like the definition of love given by Erich Fromm: “Love, without will is sentimentalism — and will, without love is manipulation.”
Then, (in the case of including the human will) love is not reduced to a feeling of wanting, needing, attraction, sexuality, being confirmed in these feelings — — but something much deeper. Love also is the complete and total acceptance of a child, dear friend, and/or parents — with their complete and different personalities, and where there is no sexual attraction (if a person is sane and has a normal function in the latter).
Q. Have you ever been in love, like silly hypnotic passionate, romantic love?
A. Of course I have. And of course, as often happens, I got my heart broken.
Q. Do you know what happened to that person that you were in love with?
A. Yes, she is here tonight and is one of my great mentors, peers, and students.
Of course, after hearing this, many in the room wanted to look around and guess who it might be but resisted.
Nabir chuckled and then added.
What I often notice here, is that if a person comes late to class, as the door makes a slight slamming noise behind them, all the single, and “unattached people” in the room automatically turn their heads to see who it is. Maybe it’s going to be their great love.
We all laughed.
Oh. Some of you, who believe that you are unhappily married also look back there.
Q. Since we are there already, why not dive in? What do you think about wild, crazy, over-the-top romantic love?
A. I believe it’s mostly a chemical reaction. Dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine help determine if you are initially attracted to someone. Oxytocin and other chemicals help form bonds and reshape your brain when you are in love.
Q. Why then do we think so much about falling in love?
A. Good question. Why do we think so much about something that requires so little thought? What we often frame as “finding a soulmate”, our “karma” or someone who is our “destiny” is usually just a response to brain chemistry. Let’s go back to those brain chemicals. Oxytocin, known also as the love hormone, provokes feelings of contentment, calmness, and security, which are often associated with short-term attraction, and can also feed long-term mate bonding. Dopamine also comes into play here. In addition, Vasopressin is linked to behaviors that produce long-term, monogamous relationships.
Look, to tell you the truth, I’m not a big fan of the idea that someone has fallen in love. You don’t really fall in love, you rise to it! In my personal experience, romantic love can be as much a road to hell, as it is a highway to heaven.
Q. Do you have any spiritually or religiously motivated thoughts concerning love?
A. Many of my thoughts on love come from two great poets, both tied on some level to Islam. Rumi the Sufi, and Kabir. Kabir grew up in a family of Muslim weavers before becoming a disciple of the Hindu ascetic Ramananda. In a rare case of an understanding of love so powerful that it crosses over and through different religions, Kabir is it. He is considered both a Sufi and Brahmin saint and his poetry draws on both Hinduism and Islam, though he was critical of certain orthodox and dogmatic aspects of both faiths.
Since I’ve mentioned Hinduism and Islam, let's add some Christian seasoning to our recipe of love. This is from 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 New International Version (NIV).
Then he began to recite each segment by rote, in a type of sing-song rhythm.
4: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5: It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6: Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8: Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
“Ah. Love”
Then he sang, in a soft voice, a lovely poem that he said he had gotten from an early Don McLean record.
Q. What then is romance in relation to what you have just said?
A. When embraced from the heart, rather than from some needy obsession, romantic love would then become the part where there is another intention added to what is said in the Bible. It is about feelings/thoughts/actions and will. The intention of wanting the counterpart — wanting in a benevolence way.
Look, we are human, and romantic love is just going to happen. I have a teenage crush on half of you sitting in this room.
Someone called out “Who”, and another yelled “Choose me” as the room burst into laughter, Nabir, as well as the rest of us.
He finished the evening with the following….
Romantic love, between two people, doesn’t always express an essential need, but a feeling of want. Wanting with a sort of tension and intention that makes us aroused, and even creates fantasies of courtship. We slowly slide into a “game of” seek/hide where both may want the same outcome but have put these feelings on a “tension”, out of a fear of rejection.
This can even grow into something quite sacred when people know how to engage each other with maturity and respect, and thus build this into a lifelong relationship. A relationship is not only an initial passion but a sustained one when that passion fades away, as it usually does. This is what I share with my dear friend, in the audience here. The object of my youthful desire. He waved his hand over the room. I began pursuing her in a mad passion, that was unrequited. She was much wiser than I. What we share now is much greater than what I believed to be love back then.
My guess is that very few people are actually capable of this kind of love. However, it will come to you in time, as you become more emotionally grounded and spiritually aware.
This story is a Module from my course, Beyond Thought
Here is a Medium story on this subject @mo-issa
Author: Lewis Harrison is a Manifestation Coach, professional futurist (forecaster), and philanthropy consultant. He is the creator of the Ask Lewis Mentoring Method as well as HAGT — Harrison’s Applied Game Theory. He is the Executive Director of the International Association of Healing Professionals an educational organization that offers programs around the world in Intentional Living. He is also an Independent Scholar, with a passion for knowledge, personal development, self-improvement, creativity, innovation, and problem-solving. You can read all of his Medium stories at [email protected].
For a decade, Lewis was the host of a humor-based Q & A talk show on NPR (National Public Radio) affiliated WIOX FM in NY.
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