An Honest Self-Evaluation

Nobody likes it but everyone needs it

On the last day of 2022, I asked an AI chatbot to define self-evaluation. Here is its answer:

“Self-evaluation is the process of evaluating or assessing one’s own performance, abilities, or characteristics. It can involve assessing one’s strengths and weaknesses, and setting goals for improvement. Self-evaluation can be an ongoing process, with individuals regularly reviewing their performance and making adjustments as needed. It can also involve seeking feedback from others, such as coworkers or supervisors, to gain a more accurate and comprehensive understanding of one’s own abilities and areas for development. Engaging in self-evaluation can be a useful way for individuals to identify their personal and professional goals, and to develop strategies for achieving those goals.”

Very well said, isn’t it? But AI is not human, it does not know how hard it is to not just say it out loud but actually do it.

For us, an honest self-evaluation cannot be done in an emotionless way, as an AI would do. Imagine yourself looking into a mirror under strong and direct sunlight, seeing all the flaws on your face getting nowhere to hide, would you have enjoyed it?

No, honest self-evaluation, pretty much like medicine, is not for us to enjoy, but to swallow down our throat knowing our body needs it. To make it easier to swallow down, my approach is breaking it down into two parts: the “honest” part and the “self-evaluation” part, and paying special attention to the emotional distress each part would trigger.

The “honest” part — self-evaluation involves detecting self-deception

An honest self-evaluation, as the name suggests, involves honesty. One is not capable of doing an honest self-evaluation if one constantly avoids being honest with oneself.

I recently came across an article about self-deception, written by philosophers and incorporating useful insights from psychological research. It seems obvious enough that self-deception means lying to oneself, but philosophers manage to review the topic very thoroughly and deeply and make me realize how little I have known about my own mind.

Do not think self-deception is always about making up false reality, like ‘I am way better than him”, it can also be subconsciously ignoring facts that you do not want to hear. One big reason for such information filtering is to avoid emotional burnout in face of a vast amount of conflicting information. Self-deception can bring short-term emotional relief but it will lead to poor judgments and thus bring harm in the long run.

Can a person detect one’s own self-deception? This question may trigger one thousand pages of discussions and still generate no clear answer. But one thing I am sure of: it is important to warn ourselves against self-deception.

For those who are brave enough to confront their own self-deceptions, I recommend deep self-talk and introspection to uncover the truths buried under our fears and defensive mechanisms. It can be difficult, but we humans have the unique ability to challenge ourselves and work towards becoming the best versions of ourselves, so I think we should try our best.

The “evaluation” part — self-evaluation involves accepting defeat and failure

“It’s a shame you missed the World Cup final!”, my husband told me. Very strong words but it is understandable because he’s a soccer fan and not a sports reporter. During the Argentina v France face-off two weeks ago, every kick stirred up soccer fans’ emotions and no soccer fan would describe the game in an emotionless tone as an AI.

Likewise, it is impossible for us to do an honest self-evaluation in an emotionless way. In particular, when we look back and see that we have indeed screwed up, our pride will definitely feel like being shattered.

I know that hurtful feeling, my friend. I have seen myself, and now my daughter, struggle to put defeat and failure in the right perspective. Not that we do not know we are just human and humans do make mistakes, but the pain is always there and hard to fight off.

As I talk about “struggle” and “fight”, let me share a bit of history on D-Day. We all know that D-Day was a huge military operation for the Allied forces to gain a foothold in Europe, with hundreds of thousands of troops, ships, and aircraft involved. Now that D-Day is in the past, we can all look back and comment on how successful it was. But if you dialed the clock back and imagine you were Eisenhower, with the fate of humanity on your shoulder and the weather conditions contributing to a huge factor of uncertainty in the success of the operation, how would you feel? It is under immense pressure that Eisenhower secretly composed a message, to be released if the operation ended up in failure, and it read:

“Our landings ….. have failed…My decision to attack at this time and place was based on the best information available. The troops, the air, and the Navy did all that bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone.”.

I think we all can learn something from Eisenhower. His military background helped him understand that guaranteed success does not exist, not in war, not in life.

As in war, sometimes we find ourselves fighting our troubles with brute force, then later regret not taking the time to conduct a carefully planned operation to avoid the heavy loss. But war is war, and life is life, unpredictability is inherited in them. We fight and we learn, both at the same time. Knowing this, we may find it easier to embrace defeat and failure gracefully, just as Eisenhower has shown.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” — Socrates

Never stop examining ourselves honestly, my friends.