An Exclusive Interview With The Guy Who Just Sprinted Past Me In Running Shoes And Jeans

ME: I’d like to start us off with a question I’ve asked myself many times — you’re not actually working out in jeans, are you? You’re probably just sprinting to the grocery store because you ran out of toilet paper or something, right?

JEAN GUY: Nope, not sprinting to the store! I’m training. Getting fit.

ME: But jeans are such an unsettling choice for workout gear. They’re literally the last thing I would choose to work out in. What was the thought process there?

J.G: Thought process?

ME: Thought process. You know, like the ongoing inner narrative of logical rationalization that forms the basis of your everyday decision-making?

J.G: [Eyes glaze over, starts humming “The Final Countdown.”]

ME: Is this maybe your first time ever working out, and you thought you were supposed to do it in jeans?

J.G: No, of course not. I work out the usual amount, every fifteenth Sunday.

ME: Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror before you leave the house for your run? That is to say, do you ever witness the appalling discordancy between the jeans on your legs and the running shoes on your feet?

J.G: I don’t own any mirrors.

ME: If you don’t mind me asking, sir — what is your name?

J.G: Dirk Dromdong.

ME: And what do you do for work, Dirk?

DIRK DROMDONG: If you mean how I make my living, I’m a back-end developer. But my real passion is my miniature butter sculptures of every single character in Game of Thrones.

ME: Besides lighting ants on fire and eating dirt, what were your favorite things to do as a child?

DIRK DROMDONG: Well, whenever my pet snake shed a layer of skin, I would wrap it around a Yoplait yogurt tube and make another snake, so that mine would have a friend.

ME: [Nods.] Naturally. And when do you plan on moving out of your mother’s basement?

DIRK DROMDONG: Why would I ever do that?

ME: Sorry, yeah. Dumb question. Going back to the jeans, now — do you have a special pair of running jeans, or do you just work out in whatever jeans you happened to be wearing that day?

DIRK DROMDONG: I work out in my workout jeans, of course. Which I take care to wash every single year.

ME: What is it about jeans, exactly, that makes them the ideal workout pant?

DIRK DROMDONG: They’re scratchy. Heavy. Utterly unbreathable. They trap all my sweat.

ME: That’s a list of bad stuff.

DIRK DROMDONG: I wasn’t finished. When I return home from my run, I can barely peel my jeans off my body. But eventually, I do. I look down at my legs. They’re bright red. Blotchy. So I fill my bathtub with oatmeal. To be clear, I don’t mean an oatmeal bath. I mean a bathtub filled with actual porridge. I put my legs in it. Light some candles. Submerge my entire body in it. Close my eyes. I lie there for several hours, or until I feel sufficiently rejuvenated, which takes at least several hours. Then I drain the bath. And by drain the bath, I mean that I eat all the oatmeal in the bathtub.

ME: [Silence.]

DIRK DROMDONG: And that is why jeans are the ideal workout pant. [Bites into a raw onion.]

ME: All right. One last question, Dirk: how do you sleep at night?

DIRK DROMDONG: Upright, like a horse. With my eyes open. Wearing my running shoes. And my jeans.

Molly is a writer and editor from Canada. Please harangue her on Twitter.

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