Summary

The article explores the concept of unconditional love, examining its historical and psychological roots, and questioning its attainability in human experience.

Abstract

The author reflects on a personal journey of seeking unconditional love, contrasting it with the conditional support received from family and partners. Despite the term "unconditional love" being popularized by psychologists like Erich Fromm and Carl Rogers, the article delves into the etymology and cross-cultural interpretations of the phrase, including the Sanskrit "lubhyati," the Greek "agape," and the Arabic "ishq." It suggests that unconditional love transcends personal desires and conditions, possibly reaching a state of divine or selfless love. The author concludes that true unconditional love might be an abstract, Platonic ideal that exists beyond the limitations of human conditions, time, and space.

Opinions

The author believes that unconditional love is a lofty goal that is rarely achieved in human relationships, often replaced by very conditional love.
There is a skepticism about the possibility of truly unconditional love within human limitations, given that human life and actions are inherently conditional.
The article suggests that self-love is also subject to conditions, as people naturally prefer the company of those who make them feel good.
It criticizes the misuse of the concept of unconditional love, particularly in religious contexts, where it has been used to justify harmful behaviors.
The author implies that overcoming the conditions of life, humanity, and physique may be necessary to experience genuine unconditional love, likening it to a quantum jump into another reality.
Forgiveness, especially of the unforgivable, is presented as an example of transcending conditional love, achieving a state that is beyond personal agony and pain.

An Etymological Glimpse at Unconditional Love

Perfection vs. the conditionality of life.

Over the course of my life, I have been assiduously forging out a path. A path that is very different from anything known by my parents, siblings, ancestors. I decided to create my life along my beliefs rather than accepted and predictable norms.

Some have kept on supporting me. But in many ways I have experienced rejection, marginalization and severance. I wouldn’t fulfill some people’s conditions to love me. So I lost them.

I’ve always thought that unconditional love is the highest goal a person could possibly reach.

I’ve strived for it, tried to find it in myself and others. What I’ve experienced instead is very conditional love. My sister offended and abandoned me, when I decided for a life path she wouldn’t understand. Boyfriends started hating me when I didn’t comply with their needs and wants.

Due to my experience that any love outside of myself depends on many factors, I wanted to know very precisely what it is that I can’t seem to ever reach in my life. What is that thing we call unconditional love? Where does this term come from?

Life itself is conditional to the core

Only in the rare circumstances we have on our planet, human life can exist. We live because we have water, air, light, warmth, sociality and other nutrition. We do things with a purpose, generally to survive.

Thus nothing we do can ever be truly unconditional. Is unconditionality really attainable as long as we are human?

Some teachers told me, it starts with yourself. Alright. Even — or, especially — if you manage to truly love yourself. Don’t you prefer spending time with people who make you feel good, make you laugh, inspire you, generally give you a good feeling? And you avoid the people who don’t. Do you still love them? Do you care for them? Desire them?

Will anybody ever be able to love another person unconditionally? Don’t I love everybody for particular characteristics and actions? Can I still love myself if others disapprove of me? Can I still love them if they hate me?

I’ve seen religion abusing the term in order to get away with anything. From missionary wars to sexual crimes. I’ve experienced people mistreating me in the name of love. Does unconditional love really imply unconditional acceptance? Do we have to love our abusers?

In our history we can sometimes find answers. In the narrative of words I try to discover their true implication.

First mention of the term

The concept must have been known for ages. But the specific term started off in the western world as a psychological phenomenon. Erich Fromm, a german psychoanalyst, coined the term in 1934.

He associated it with motherly love. In contrast to fatherly love, which he defined as conditional. A mother would love her child regardless of its actions, while a father would only cherish it on the terms of good command and accomplishment.

Carl Rogers, psychologist, further described “unconditional positive regard” in the 1960s. As a means for psychotherapists to help clients accept themselves.

Unconditional

The latin translation for con is with. Dicere means to say. Condicio, the agreement, we come to after we talk.

Unconditional is without agreement.

Love

Lufu stems from Old English, of Germanic origin, rooted in Sanskrit lubhyati, meaning desires. In Latin, libet means it is pleasing. Libido is the desire.

Unconditional love is a desire that’s independent of agreement?

Not so sure about that.

What about other languages?

Bhakti

In Hinduism, the total devotion to god or a guru is commonly associated with unconditional love. Bhakti is a portion or share. From the root bahj, which means to partake in, to receive one’s share. It is about actively performing one’s part in devotion to the divine.

Agape

Agape from Ancient Greek is the unconditional divine love. It is especially distinct from erotic desire and described as charitable love. One who reaches Agape, cares for the good of all beings. Regardless of their personal attraction to them.

Ishq

The Arabic term is used in various other languages too. In Arabic, Ishq is about being in love excessively, crazily. In Persian it describes mainly romantic, passionate love. Ishq comes from ashiqah, a vine. The idea is that when the vine of love sets root within the heart, all things apart from God are erased.

To achieve it, we have to overcome all conditions. The conditions of our life, our humanity, our physique.

Overcoming time and space

From the above perspectives, unconditional love is a very abstract concept. It is either related to deities or the greater good. History doesn’t provide us with practical ideas of how to apply unconditional love to our daily lives and interactions. To our acquaintances, friendships, families. To rejection and self-esteem.

It is a perfect idea out there in the universe, like the perfect circle or the perfect human being. I perceive it as a Platonic Form. An idea, that doesn’t exist in time and space. In my view, this is the transcending point of unconditional love.

To achieve it, we have to overcome all conditions. The conditions of our life, our humanity, our physique. With our spirit, that might be possible.

We could compare it to a quantum jump, where we transcend the four dimensions for a moment and reach another reality.

An example is the forgiveness of something unforgivable. If you can cut the cords to your memories of the unforgivable and find closure, you’ve reached a reality that’s different from the world of agony and pain.

In that way, you have to create a momentum to overcome yourself. To defy the conditionality of life. You have to rise above the limitations of the bodily self in time and space for an instant, to reach such a state of forgiveness. It is an instantaneous, perfect state.

That state I would describe as unconditional love.

What is perfected reaches its peak and passes away. Only what is broken endures. — Starhawk, Walking to Mercury