An Article in Which a Christian Woman Uses the Word Sex: *Gasp* Women Marry for That Too

In some churches, women are not allowed to say the word sex but almost every woman in the room (married or not) is having it.

Disclaimer: There are many, many, many Christian women waiting for marriage like we all wanted to do, like we were all taught to do, and like we all promised to do. It is still one of the central tenets of our faith, to be modest and pure women, and it is still a part of the Christian life that brings us pride and excitement.

It’s Not a Secret…

Yet, there are many, many, many Christian women who enter our sanctuaries with a secret that’s not really a secret every Sunday: they love sex. It’s not just that they want romance, or that they want companionship, or that they want to be “wife material.” It’s not about the desire to fulfill a wedding fantasy. It’s not even about wanting to feel wanted, though surely all of these desires might enter into the equations of pre-marital and extramarital sexual relationships.

Many Christian women — also known as women for short, because we are women — love the sex act: studying it, performing it, enjoying it, and reflecting upon it. The Amplified Bible says it this way with regard to Eve: “Your desire and longing will be for your husband” (Genesis 3:16). And that desire, let me tell you… it’s a vibe. It’s not just about Adam’s ability to tend the garden.

A Sidenote to Families with Young Girls

You should also know that females are being exposed to sexual longing and curiosity earlier and earlier in life. Dear parents, you may think that you are initiating the “sex talk” at home, in a safe setting, and with the appropriate parameters. But, um… all the elementary children have cell phones now. If your kid has a cell phone, if your kid is around other kids that have cell phones, or if your kid listens to streaming music or watches streaming video in any way without supervision, it is likely that some other adult, or some other child, or some cartoon character has had the sex talk with your child in some (typically inadequate and perverse) fashion. #ShrugEmoji. You might want to look into that.

Now, Back to the Point…

Christian women — I mean women, because that’s what we are — love sex. And there are readers out there thinking, “What? That’s not true because we heard about those Christian prudes and how much they are not interested in sexual relationships.” Or, maybe you’ve got yourself a Christian wife and you’re thinking, “She’s never interested anymore, so I don’t know what this woman is talking about…”

My dear, skeptical, misled readers who fall into the “Christian Women Are Prudes” and “Women, in General, Are Not Interested” categories, let me enlighten you.

Christian Women — and Women in General — Are Not Interested in Your Temporary, Awful, One-Night-Stand Sex

Sometimes we give up on waiting and settle for situationships because we want sex so much, and the end result is typically a disappointment. If you waited until “I do” to do it or didn’t, there’s one thing about sex that we women know is true. It can be hard to get right. Sure, there is a Biblical standard that we should wait to enjoy sex with our one man, and that’s reason enough to wait. But you should add to your “reasons to wait” inspirational list that it takes a man an awfully long time to figure out how to press all the right buttons to make sex truly enjoyable. Research agrees that generally 50–56% of women actually enjoy sex in comparison to 90+% of men. *Gasp.* The rest of us are faking it until we make it.

Good sex requires commitment because it requires time. There’s a huge learning curve that keeps moving as we grow and change. There are emotional factors, psychological factors, physical factors, and even financial factors… there are so many factors at play in sexuality in women! Age is a factor, childbearing is a factor, work hours are a factor, cognitive load is a factor, and the list just keeps going on and on.

Any man worth his salt in the bedroom is going to have to commit himself to taking regular measurements of your ever-changing sexual situation, and this is not specific to Christian women. This is all women.

It can be so hard to communicate this — that good sex takes time, a lot of time, and study — to men in a non-offensive way that women often resort to faking the orgasm for the duration of their relationships (or until they decide to seek out extramarital affairs for some level of excitement). Disclaimer: I do not advocate for affairs, which are morally and ethically wrong (sure) and still one-night-stands, essentially… a long list of one-night-stands strung together. Affairs are sure to disappoint.

To the “Women in General Are Not Interested in Sex” Crowd

Women are naturally sexual. We are only not sexual as a result of social or spiritual constructs, constructs that are either chosen by us or forced upon us. I’ll start with the easiest constructs to address, the ones we choose. It’s 2023, and for the most part, nobody’s checking hymens anymore. If a single woman is celibate, virgin or not, it’s her right to be sexually inactive. She may have many reasons for her celibacy — including Biblical ones — but ultimately her sexuality is hers to control. A woman’s lack of interest in you as a sexual candidate is not meant to be offensive, but if it offends you… that’s really your problem, not hers. It’s okay for a single woman to not be interested in having sex with you. (Shocking that I need to say that directly.)

For married women who are not sexual, I feel comfortable saying this is a construct forced upon us. I can hear your thoughts, men. “What do you mean I am forcing her to be not sexual?! I’m here asking for it, and she’s here denying it!” Well, let’s have a look at that.

• If you’re offering your wife awful, one-night-stand-styled sex for the rest of her life, she’s not interested. She can fake it for a long time using her imagination and her good intentions, but at some point, the fantasies don’t hold water and some real action needs to be taken in the bedroom or all that awful sex just wears her down. It just wears her down into a depressed, undersexed stand-in, at which point she agrees to sex out of duty because she promised you her loyalty. Maybe introduce some “Tell me what you want” culture so that she has more real orgasms? If you ask her, “Would you like an orgasm today,” five days out of seven you’d probably get a “Yes.”
• If you’re asking your wife for sex after watching her work 9-hour day shifts and 5-hour night shifts on weekdays (and 13-hour shifts on weekends) without lifting a finger to reduce her overall stress, I don’t know what to say. I mean… she can’t. Well, she does, but she’s probably faking it because she is too tired to relax into an orgasm. Even in the middle, she’s thinking about how bad her side hurts from lifting your toddler into the car seat today, or she’s wondering if she left the dark load in the washing machine because the dark load molds so fast if you leave it in there too long. Or she’s wondering if she forgot to gas up the car because she needs to leave for work early in the morning and had to pop by the grocery store before she came in; did she remember? She can’t work full-time, do all the housework, do all the play dates, do all the school visits, do all the church functions, do all the parties with your friends, and do you vixen-style in the bedroom. You guys are going to have to figure this out. Vixens look, feel, and smell a certain way, and it takes time to do that too.
• If you’re asking your wife for incredible sex after requiring her to be asexual to satisfy your ego, well, you got what you wanted. I mean, if it was your idea to have no perfume, no makeup, no lingerie, no romantic music, no skirts above the ankle, no necklines that show the collar, no fabric apart from cotton, no date nights, no hip huggers, no soft soaps, no dancing… I don’t know what to tell you. If you asked her to practice being asexual, and she did (and likely did it well to be loyal to you, lol), she probably doesn’t feel sexy anymore. That asexual routine is easy to get used to and it’s less energy than being our sexual selves. It’s boring, but it’s reliable.

And Now, for the Finale

What happens to waiting women when their perfect match — the guy of their dreams — never shows up? You can probably guess that answer from the title of this article. They get married anyway. Why do you think they do that? Just for the wedding? Is it just to commit themselves to a life of cooking and cleaning and raising children?

If you thought so, I hate to disappoint. Many of us marry to get access to the prize, gentlemen. All this time, you thought it was just you, didn’t you… seeking out ways to satisfy your insatiable libido. All the women laugh behind their handkerchiefs. Unfortunately, by hiding this truth — that women gotta have it too, apparently — we have driven Christian women (and others, I’m sure) into living farcical and deceptive lives.

I can’t say I know the full answer to relieving us of the facade that all this is okay, but it seems like a bit of truth is a start. A bit of truth is a start to the unraveling of this great vine that is choking the life out of so many of us in so many aspects of our lives.