Loss and Love

An Argument for Blank as a Feeling

It resides deep inside an impenetrable chamber of my heart.

The weight in my hand felt like twenty pounds of long forgotten Thanksgiving turkey, taxing my right arm muscles as I death-gripped my phone.

I craved wizardly potions, concocted to transform the exchange between us well beyond the watery baby pablum of polite drivel.

The decades-old wounds deep between us were chiseled from molasses-like nothings of consequence. Allowed to fester sporadically and ooze over naive hopes for latent connection.

Long ago, the chronic ache from disappointment eroded my insides. Limiting the realm of choices to either Absolute silence or Retreat from a conversation.

I learned to excel at smothering thought, using imagery of viscous hot sealing wax in the shape of a horizontal line. A blank.

No longer can I grieve for the emotions of connection, that in the best of times, were only fleetingly present.

Still, love dwells never fully extinguished, insisting on hibernating in a burrow.

My night time robe and daylight dress are Plastered in these flat lines. Blanks.

I lay motionlessly on my mattress engulfed in the sadness of the loss and resignation. I reach for the wand hoping to tattoo another mark on my exposed thigh. Blank.

Always the tears dissolve this lie about my label of choice. My wounded heart Ripping off the mask and calling me out for my blinded eyes to see. Futile and still Blank.

Invoking resolve I again grab the sceptre and Sear a line on my begging and willing flesh.

In a few days the scar boasts a charcoal scab. Ripe for picking when I answer my phone and hear her voice.

I sigh. Then like clockwork, we do this dance all over again.

I cannot sustain Grief. Blank is a fake. My shoulders shrug, Blank soothes.

© Suzanne V. Tanner, 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Thanks again for your time, my dear reading and writing friends. I am sending wishes for the entire world to Be Kind.

Suzanne V. Tanner writes all sorts of stuff whenever time permits. Her reinvent your life consulting business vies for much of her time. She also provides services in Side Gig advisory and does contract work on customer retention strategies. Vee finds it challenging to keep her: nose out of a book, hands off the latest recipe she is testing in the kitchen, and feet unglued to some bicycle pedals. This abstention rarely succeeds because her partner-in-crime/love-of-her-life guy is playing the same tune side by side. If you would like to be in email touch: [email protected]