ONOMATOLOGY

An All-out War Between Notable Victor Cardenases

We’re the Princes of the Universe

Born To Be Kings

People around the world have many misconceptions about the many notable Victor Cardenases of the world. We make it look incredibly easy with our handsome facial structure, beautiful skin that would make a great lampshade or Necronomicon, and deep intellect (probably more reminiscent of Lake Mead in 2022). However, it’s not as easy breezy. It’s downright difficult to be an amazing and successful Victor Cardenas in public eye.

One description of fame is that it is a feeling that is described by the following:

“lonely; not secure; you have a bubble over you; family space is violated; a sense of being watched; living in a fishbowl; like a locked room; and, familiarity that breeds inappropriate closeness.”

Basically, the same exact feeling as going to your aunt Luisa and Uncle Nico’s house for Christmas this year. They’ll spend most of the time tut-tutting about your lack of a romantic life, asking “what happened to Rosalina, who was just about to graduate with her MSW¹? She was so sweet. What did you do?” while standing around the masa harina bowl.

Tamale Preparation Tip: only add a small volume of water to the masa at any given time. Holiday tears comprised mainly of loneliness and anxiety will do just fine.

Compounding the challenges of success in the public eye is the fact that there are too many notable Victor Cardenases. If we were to gather, the meeting would be like a Where’s Waldo of handsome, charming, and dapper individuals. Good news! I think I have a solution to determine which one is the best one.

Bad news! I checked with the lawyer who represented me when I got into an altercation at Costco and was subsequently beaten down by a 70-year-old woman in ’06. It’s apparently “negligent and illegal” for us to travel the globe hunting one another down to have 1:1 sword duels to determine which Victor Cardenas is the best.

It is also ‘illegaler’ to decapitate one another so that the victor can absorb the loser’s power². Government overreach has gotten quite onerous as of late.

Self-Defense Tip: If you’re at Costco, try visually scanning customers to see if they have canes. Canes can cause improvisory damage to the eyes, groin, or solar plexus — right in front of the lady handing out free samples of keto brownie bars.

Let’s see if we can weed through this hotbed of talent in order to determine which Victor Cardenas is the best in an organized and scholarly manner.

Fighting for Survival

Introducing the first Victor Cardenas, the Columbian DJ who specializes in EDM. This Victor has over 7.5 million hours of listening on Spotify and as many as 11 upvotes on r/reggaeton, a subreddit presumably dedicated to listening to “Despacito” and “Yo Quiero Bailar” on a loop. Only 70% of those listening hours are from people who are so high, they forgot to turn off their music for 3–6 hours¹. You know the look: bottle blond meets tracksuit. All of Victor’s press photos are meant to make him look pensive, but let’s face it — he’s probably trying to think of what protein he wants in his arepas.

As a token of my enduring love for my readers, I present this 11-second sample of his music.

Next we have Víctor Cárdenas the Venezuelan actor. Victor’s biggest claim to fame was securing a bit part in “American Ninja 5” as Victor Lebon. I watched the trailer to the film and can assure you this is one of the ninja film franchises of all time. It’s right up there with uhhh and ummm…

This particular film was so good, they never made another American Ninja movie again, which is pretty much the same thing as retiring Wayne Gretzky’s jersey in the sport of hockey. Victor also directed a short film called “The Groom” about a Nazi spy in America whose wife killed herself in the bathtub. The title probably should have been “The Husband”.

Okay, on to the next. This Victor Cardenas is the co-founder of Slash. Slash’s marketing states it isn’t a bank, yet it performs a bunch of bank-related services such as depositing, payments, and expense tracking for self-employed entrepreneurs. That’s confusing, but I can only presume that this Victor Cardenas is also a superior intellect who shouldn’t have to explain everything to you plebeians.

The next Victor Cárdenas is an MD who graduated from the University of Texas Medical Branch (UTMB) and has a Pulmonary fellowship from the same university. UTMB states that Victor is interested in general pulmonary medicine. Most Victor Cardenases are not filled with hot air, but have the investigative qualities needed to detect it, so this is a logical and natural career choice.

Pulmonary Tip: Avoid crowds during cold and flu season in order to prevent infection. One of the best ways to avoid infection is to sit on your butt typing dumb jokes all day.

Victor Cardenas, of Mexico City, moved to Midwest Bible College to pursue his education and graduated in 1990. Midwest bible College has prestige and cannot be compared to the dozens upon dozens of bible colleges littered throughout the Midwest. Victor serves on the board of trustees for the American Bible Society and is dedicated to ending ‘Bible poverty’, which can only be assumed to be the practice of giving people literature instead of food, clothing, or shelter. Maybe Victor can pull a Willy Wonka and make the books edible.

Víctor Hugo Cárdenas is a politician and professor hailing from Bolivia. Victor is of indigenous origin, but his father hid his indigenous name of Choquehuanca in favor of Cárdenas. As an official envoy to all Victor Cardenases and as a fellow educator, I officially embrace both aspects of his identity. He is the leader of the MRTLKL party, which can only be assumed to be some sort of Mortal Kombat League dedicated to dunking on unsuspecting children after school. There’s nothing more ingratiating than ripping out the simulated spine of the youthful and vital teen who still has exceptional acuity, reflexes, and has their whole life ahead of them.

A Champion Is Crowned

This is an incredible stable of talent, but the best and most interesting Victor Cardenas is QUICK thefirstonetofinishthissentence. Hey, that’s me! I’m also the only Victor Cardenas with enough self-restraint to not describe my namesake contemporaries as ‘cheap knockoffs’ or ‘pretty much losers compared to me’. Who else is bold enough to witlessly break every reasonable editing rule in existence? Who else has a stable of readers that subscribed solely to fawn over my profile picture?

I wish all the other Victor Cardenases the best. The best man won fair and square in the end.

Citations

¹MSW, or Mostly Subsistence Work is a field of employment that strongly predicts your likelihood of living in an apartment with roommates until you’re 40 and/ or having your school loans discharged upon death. Delightful!

²You caught me. You are so smart! This is the basic plot to the Highlander films. I’d like to point out that Sean Connery plays an Egyptian named Juan Sánchez-Villalobos Ramírez, which somehow makes more sense than a young Catherine-Zeta Jones falling in love with an old man in “Entrapment”. Half your age plus seven is the law of the land, Sean.

³MDMA, a drug closely associated with Electronic Dance Music (and my friend Miles who still works 20 years after high school ended) typically lasts in the body about 3–6 hours.

⁴ Source: looked in mirror

This piece can’t be conceived of as a shameless way to vault my work to the top of the SEO results over the likes of doctors and politicians when someone searches for Victor Cardenas. That would be pathetic, sneaky, and underhanded.