An Addict’s Reflection On Guilt

Reflecting back on what has driven my internal pain is something I’ve done on a continuous basis throughout my years. It is a process that has evolved through the years, because the guilt and shame itself has gone through its own growth as the years have gone by.

Guilt has a cycle that it goes on. It’s up to us, to grasp hold of that cycle, and go through it in a manner where we ourselves can heal and grow. Because we can be our own enemy. Even when our hurtful actions are outward towards others, we still end up in a world by ourselves, full of lonely pain. It is not too irregular to be victims at the hands of our own actions.

I wanted to talk about my own life and experiences, and look at the cycle of guilt. I spent many more years than I probably had to suffering in a massive mode of guilt and shame, because for the longest time, I just didn’t know how to handle such emotions.

As I originally sought to break the cycle of guilt. I started to see that simply finding a way to break it, may not truly solve the problem. After all, I could instantly stop feeling guilt and shame the same way I had done for many years in the past, and that was of course, done by abusing drugs. But I was now within the understanding of realizing and accepting that substance abuse was a masking technique. It numbed my problems and feelings. But it certainly never actually got rid of anything,

I began to learn that the best way to cease my feelings of guilt was to work through them from beginning to end, the best way I knew how. It was sometimes easy to see how much better it would work for me, but I made no mistake about the fact that this was going to be a process that required a lot of work, and focus. Even more than that, the biggest commitment I would really have to make was to practice in-depth self-honesty.

I had to take a look in the mirror and accept myself for who I was. I had to face my mistakes, and face all the wrong and hurt that I caused. It helped to be able to put myself in the shoes of others.

Let’s face it, there was a lot of broken trust done at the hands of me and my addiction. The pain I caused knew no boundaries. I was using people, to progress my own agenda. An agenda of selfishness, drugs and lying. What hurt people even more, was my refusal and inability to accept any part of my shortcomings. So, as most experts will say, the first step I had to take in order to start tackling the cycle of guilt was to face my wrongs.

Once I was able to see through the clouds, and get honest with all the hurt I caused, I put all the commitment I could into making amends to everyone in my life who had suffered at my hands. I had to make things right. I had to work from within, find the reasons, and solutions behind what in the world made me tick.

One of the best lessons I learned from this part of everything, was how to truly make amends, and show somebody just how deep and true your remorse was.

It’s not about talking any kind of talk. This is not a place where the lip service can show anything truly clear. It isn’t how to show the depth of one’s honesty. This is a time and place where it is our actions, and way of day to day living that takes the place of any lip service.

Don’t mistake this for ceasing any sort of conversation to one’s we hurt. I do say that when we seek forgiveness and amends, verbalize to the people hurt, just how sorry we are, and ask for forgiveness. Then after that is when start showing by action, showing by living. When I say avoid the lip service, what I mean is I didn’t brag about how “good” I was doing once I got sober. I simply began living a life of sobriety, and from there is when the dominos of forgiveness began falling.

The last part of this process is also not an easy feat. Even though it may sound easy. What is that last part?

That last part is, forgive yourself.

This is an action that I have spent a long time working on. Self-forgiveness can only be ready, when you know deep down inside, that you’re legitimately deserving. When you know there is nothing more you can do about your past. When the only thing there is left to do, is keep moving forward, living right, and living with morals and faith.

Each day, I am so grateful, that I have found this process in all my many journeys, good and bad. I find that keeping it all green and fresh in my mind, is a good way of keeping it far away from ever happening again. Forgiveness is an incredible gift, and remember it’s not a guarantee.

Michael Patanella

is a Trenton, New Jersey Author, Publisher, Columnist, Editor, Advocate, and recovering addict, covering topics of mental health, addiction, sobriety, mindfulness, self-help, faith, spirituality, Smart Recovery, social advocacy, and countless other nonfiction topics. His articles, publications, memoirs, and stories are geared towards being a voice for the voiceless. Hoping to reach others out there still struggling.