An active meditation to deepen your connection with your emotions

Hidden emotions

A close relative recently shared with me that he had woken from an anxiety attack. He was in the middle of an obligatory 2 weeks home quarantine after returning to his country from overseas. He said he had not even realised that he was feeling anxious until he found himself waking in deep panic with a racing heart and intense agitation in his body. It is surprisingly easy for us not to know how we are feeling. Especially when it comes to feelings of fear, uncertainty and anxiety, so many of us have those running subtly in the background to various degrees as a normal part of life. We have learned to soldier on. To shut ourselves off from these challenging emotions and give control to those parts of us that can get on with things, that are achievers and that manage life despite our underlying feelings. And of course we can continue to allow those parts to run the show, managing our emotions with alcohol, Netflix or other distractions. But this does come with the risk of the repressed emotions bursting through when we least expect it: through a sudden anxiety attack, a gradual slip into depression, or sudden uncontrolled temper outbursts. This risk exists always, but it is greatly amplified in a context where our usual coping mechanisms are interrupted, or we are perhaps even experiencing complete loss of our identities derived from work or our social life. Anxiety, grief, insecurity, frustration, and anger are all very natural responses to any situation where we lose control over our life or are experiencing uncertainty. Instead of denying those feelings, we can connect with and really allow ourselves to feel and honour them as appropriate responses. If we are proactive in contacting our emotions we can do so safely on our own terms instead of having them burst out in ways that may shock and upset us or those we love.

Deeply feeling our painful emotions may be scary if we have never done this before. Many of us (especially men, but many women too) are afraid of connecting with such emotions in case they overwhelm us. We have learned as young children that these emotions are shameful or that we may lose the affection of those around us if we express them. For the nervous system of a young child, the withdrawal of parental affection can be perceived almost like a life-threatening event. This conditioning of our nervous system explains why even when we are mature adults we may experience expressing upset, fear and hurt as “life-threatening” and as no-go zones. But building our capacity to deal with stressful and unprecedented situations may require us to extend ourselves into hitherto little explored waters.

Body vs Mind

As someone who only learned later in life how to move from his head to his body, I would like to offer a technique with which to build a connection with our emotions. By using breath and our attention, we feel into our body and notice what we find there. Instead of thinking about or working out our feelings, we allow ourselves to experience them where they live, in the very tissue and nerves of our body.

The term meditation tends to conjure up the image of sitting still and letting go of thoughts, feelings and so on, usually by focusing on the breath. This kind of meditation is widely taught, either with a goal of quieting the mind or even connecting with some kind of transcendent reality (God consciousness, Emptiness, the Buddha mind etc.). While there is a place for such practice, it can actually be something that takes us away from ourselves. When it comes to looking after our buried emotions, what we want is an active form of meditation that deepens our connection with our body and the feelings we have buried within it.

There are a range of techniques that can help us go into the body rather than away from it. I encourage you to have a look at exercises taught by the psycho-spiritual teacher Jeff Brown in his book Grounded Spirituality. Intense breathing work as taught by Wim Hof or holotropic breathing as developed by Stanislav Grof are also powerful tools to help us connect with the body and you can find guided processes for those on YouTube and the Wim Hof app. The technique I am suggesting here is an adaptation of a tantric practice that I developed with my partner.

Self-connection meditation

Please note: If you suffer from more complex trauma, deep breathing may not be appropriate as it may be aggravating. Please consider your personal circumstances in deciding to apply this technique.

Sit comfortably with your eyes slightly open so you don’t lose yourself in the sensations or your mind. You want to stay firmly present with the body.

• To support this you can start with bringing your awareness to your feet, rolling them up and down a few times and really feeling them connected to the ground. If you are sitting cross-legged, bring your awareness to your bottom and legs touching the ground.
• Breathe deeply through your nose into your belly and into your genital area expanding your abdomen.
• Breathe out through your mouth, letting your abdomen fall back without force on the out breath. As you exhale, contract your perineal muscles (ie the ones you use to stop yourself peeing) and “squeeze” the breath to the area of your heart and throat.

Take a number of breaths like that. With each breath feel into your body, especially your abdomen and chest and notice any sensations or impressions that may be present there. Maybe a tightness or a tenderness, some pressure or a nervy tingling sensation. Maybe you even come up with a label such as anger or grief. Whenever you connect with a sensation, a feeling, or a label, bring your presence to it and breathe “into” it, amplifying it and inviting understanding. Do this steadily but without force. Maybe the feeling will increase. Allow yourself to express any feelings through your voice or through physical movements or both. You may want to moan, groan or whimper, shout or cry, sway your body or rock back and forth. You are creating this space and you can allow yourself this freedom. Without forcing anything and without suppressing anything. This is a practice of deep self-care, giving yourself permission to feel, and holding space for yourself as a loving act of self-compassion. Of course it may be that at first you do not feel much. This is very natural if we have been keeping our painful feelings at bay for a long time. In that case do not force anything, but deepen your breath and just stay with your body for the duration of the exercise. Then have another go the next day.

I would suggest setting a timer for 10 minutes. If at that stage you are in the midst of deep emotional experiences, of course you can just keep going. This is your process and you are in control. If you do connect with deep emotions I encourage you to be patient. Such emotions often come from the early beginnings of our life, and our current circumstances may amplify and reactivate any sense of anxiety or grief we already carry. This is long and patient work, but the rewards are immense, making us more resilient and able to truly take care of ourselves in times of crisis, and deepening our connection with others, even in difficult circumstances.