Applied Mindfulness

An Acting Coach Explains the 3 Pillars of Charismatic Chemistry

The surprising vulnerability and mindfulness that makes people want to pay attention to you

As an uncharismatic and introverted person who doesn’t emote much even for a reserved British guy, you wouldn’t expect me to be able to switch on the chemistry when I need to.

Yet after several years of training in acting, working on films, and now teaching it, I’m able to switch it on like a light switch. I can now boil it down to just three things that anyone can put into action.

These are the things I push most to young actors. Even average acting can be forgiven if sparks are flying between the people on stage or on the screen.

But anyone can apply these things. You don’t have to be in front of a camera to switch it on.

It all comes down to three pillars. When all three are solid, people won’t help but notice. And it’s a whole lot of fun, too.

Here are the three things and how to achieve each one.

1. Emotion

Drama school acting usually contains a lot of the teachings of Stanislavsky, which press the importance of real emotions. If you’re not feeling actual emotions, it’s not that interesting to watch.

When psychologist Richard Wiseman studied charisma, he found that charismatic people are able to strongly feel emotion. If we dampen our emotions or put a lid on them, we dampen our charisma.

It’s no wonder Stanislavsky pressed the importance of feeling emotion.

Actors trained in Stanislavski’s techniques include Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, Marilyn Monroe, and James Dean.

So that’s the first thing you need if you want charismatic chemistry. Sparks won’t fly if you don’t let them out. Feel those emotions.

Obviously I’m not talking about certain emotions like anger or rage. But if you’re putting a lid on your excitement, curiosity, anticipation, or surprise, then you’re putting a lid on the most interesting bit of the interaction.

If you’re passionate about something, show it.

If you feel vulnerable, that’s OK too. Feel it. Don’t hide it. Getting new actors to let themselves be vulnerable on stage or on screen is a big part of acting training. Humans like to hide it, but it’s so endearing to watch.

Again, the psychologists agree with us actors. Vulnerability is attractive — feel it and let it show.

Allow yourself to feel freely. Don’t hide it or bottle it up. Feel and show it naturally. And then you’ll have the first solid pillar to charismatic chemistry.

2. Attention

Your attention must be completely on the other person. Not just a little bit while you work out what to say, but entirely. 100%.

Not on your internal monologue. Not on how things are going. Definitely not on your phone. On the other person and only them.

Notice everything about them in the situation. See every micro gesture on their face, every little inflection in their voice. Notice it but don’t dwell on it, because if you dwell on it, you’re no longer in the present moment.

In acting, we use a system called the Meisner Technique, which is like going to the gym but for our brains to keep our attention on the other person right in the present moment.

We do exercises in pairs with our attention exactly, precisely, and laser-focused on the other person. Nowhere else and not within ourselves.

I also teach this. Students often report what I’ve also experienced — that despite there being a circle of other people around us watching, they just disappear. The room becomes all about the two people doing the exercise. Everyone and everything else fades away. There’s no attention left for it.

Then we take that onto a stage or a film set and use our attention superpower there. That’s where the chemistry happens.

In fact, that’s what chemistry between actors is. Critics use the word chemistry a lot because they don’t know what it is. To them, it’s something mystical that only happens sometimes between certain actors.

But it’s simpler than that. It’s just that the two actors had their attention fully on each other the whole time.

They weren’t thinking about their lines or their movements or how to play the part. That’s all ingrained in preparation. They’re just there in front of each other, attention fully on each other and responding to each other, and their attention doesn’t drop from each other for a second.

Actors trained in Meisner’s method include Tom Cruise, Grace Kelly, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Robert Duvall.

I use this to demonstrate chemistry with students. They read the same movie reviews as everyone else and read about this mystical chemistry thing and then learn with me that you can switch it on.

It’s that simple. But simple doesn’t mean easy — an actor has to remember to do all sorts of technical things as well as know their lines and be brave enough to trust that things will happen correctly with the attention just on the other person.

For us in real life, it’s a bit easier than that. We don’t have to remember lines. We don’t have to stop in exactly the right place to stay in focus or under a spotlight. We just have to be there with our attention fully on the other person.

This doesn’t mean never ever breaking eye contact. That would make you a bit weird and scary. There is always a natural time to break it, and you must. But your attention can stay on the other person anyway, both with sound and peripheral vision.

There’s a reason checking your phone or being distracted by something else is a chemistry killer. It’s an instant drain of chemistry because it’s an instant drain of attention. Once your attention goes elsewhere, the chemistry goes away and you’ll have to fight to get it back.

This kind of attention can take a little practice. It can feel weird at first as if the other person knows you’re doing something different. Don’t worry. They can’t. It’s just you feeling weird and that’ll fade as you get the hang of it.

You may never get quite to the level of a Meisner-trained actor by practice alone. There’s a reason actors do this for hours at a time, practicing observing each other and responding in the moment. Exercises involve observing isolated moments and responding to them in that moment.

But you don’t need to be as good as a Hollywood actor. Even by practising and just doing it, you’ll be putting yourself ahead of almost everyone else. And that’s why people will notice.

3. Impulsiveness

This part is a little trickier but possible after you’re used to having your full attention on the other person.

What we see with actors new to the technique is they’ll become engaged but passive, like someone engrossed in a movie. While it’s important to keep your attention on the other person and what they do, say, and how they say it, it’s also important to respond to it.

As we say with the Meisner technique, let it affect you.

Real-life and the acting workshops have to deviate here. In Meisner classes, we practice acting instantly on our impulses in the moment, whatever they might be. We use it to break down our social conditioning because polite, socially conditioned people on a stage aren’t fun to watch.

When was the last time you tuned in to a movie to watch people being polite to each other? Never, I guess. So we get rid of politeness and then amazing things happen.

We act on our impulses with social convention thrown out the window. Apart from sexual assault or bodily harm, anything else goes.

I’ve seen people smacked hard, kissed, and pushed over. I’ve seen people burst into tears or reach into the other person's pockets to remove whatever’s in there. I’ve seen genuine anger, fear, pain, and excitement. It’s incredible to watch.

But back in the real world, we can’t do that. That would make for a terrible date or business meeting. We must adhere to society’s conventions. But the point remains — we will still get a whole load of varying impulses. And unless they breach social etiquette, if you want chemistry, you’ll have to act on them.

If you just sit passively with your attention on the other person, it may be flattering for a while, but eventually, they’ll probably just get self-conscious. You must be generous and give something back. You must act on your impulses.

In modern society, we sit on so many of our impulses — not just the important ones like not slapping or kissing everyone or deliberately knocking over a drink just because we felt like it, but also so many more. We have so much more to give, but we’re conditioned to sit on our impulses, not only to not offend but to play it safe.

But for real chemistry that has to stop and the line found. Stay polite, gentle, and courteous, but otherwise, don’t hold back. There’s nothing duller than someone who covers up all their impulses and doesn’t do anything.

Even if you do something unexpected, that’s absolutely fine. That’s exciting. That’s impulsive and interesting. Because your attention will be on the other person, it won’t look like you’re doing it for attention. You’re not interested in receiving attention. You’re interested in giving it.

This again takes some practice. There’s a reason a Meisner course takes three years to be able to do this at a Hollywood level. But you only need the basics.

There will be times, especially early on, when you realise you’ve sat on an impulse you could’ve acted on and start to wonder if you should still do it or if it’s too late. The answer to this is always the same: Get your attention on the other person. If you’re thinking about a missed impulse, your attention has slipped back inside. Get back in the moment and your attention back on the other person.

You need to trust that your social conditioning will stop you from acting on impulses that aren’t acceptable. If your attention is on the other person, you’ll know how receptive they are and if you should sit on it. On a TV screen, we might act on it anyway, but in real life, we’re with real people with real feelings and you have to be a bit careful.

This takes some practice and some courage. At first, it’ll feel really weird, but only because it’s different. Cleaning your teeth with the wrong hand feels weird too. But it becomes natural with a bit of practice.

Putting It Together

Hopefully, by now you can start to imagine what an interaction is like when you’re acting on impulses in the moment with your attention on the other person. You’re not sitting on or covering up feelings. You’re letting the feelings leak out via impulses you’re acting on, but it’s not about you. It’s about them and it’s all laid bare.

You’re vulnerable. You’re excited. You’re exciting. But it’s still all about them and not you.

That’s exactly what chemistry is.

Practice these three things, starting with letting yourself feel emotion more, then adding the external attention, and then start acting on your impulses. It’s so simple and becomes natural if you can just persevere through the initial awkwardness.

You don’t need to be trained in Stanislavsky or Meisner to be able to feel feelings, put your attention on the other person, and act on your impulses. All humans can do that; we just need to remember how we did it before we were conditioned to cover it all up. And then things get a bit more alive.

If the person you’re with does this too, then sparks will fly.

It’s unlikely they’ll do it exactly, of course, unless you’re in an acting class.

But they don’t need to. They’ll feel how relaxed you are — it’s hard to feel nervous when your attention is 100% outside because there’s none left for your nerves — and they’ll feel like you’re really there with them because your attention is all on them.

Then they’ll relax too and their attention will be on you. Awkwardness breeds awkwardness and relaxedness breeds relaxedness, so they’ll relax too.

Because of our mirror neurons, they’ll very likely start to mimic what you’re doing without even realising — and if they do it just a little bit, as long as you keep doing it, then the chemistry will spark. And as you relax further together, acting on your impulses with your attention on each other, things will be electric.

That’s how they do it in Hollywood, and that’s how you can do it with anyone.