America’s Next Top Asian
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual ASIAN Awards. ASIAN, the American Society for Independent Asian North Americans, is grateful for the sponsorship and support of The Skewer and, of course, Cafe Mustache.
2018 has been a landmark year when it comes to the representation of Asians, Asian-Americans, and Asian-Canadians in mainstream film and television.
It came to a head in August, which saw the premiere of Crazy Rich Asians in theaters all over the world, and the long awaited tv movie adaptation of best selling young adult novel To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on Netflix.
Hollywood is finally catching up to what we Asians have known all this time.
Being Asian is awesome.
Asian stories are worth telling. The success of Crazy Rich Asians has already made a positive impact in the entertainment industry, bringing more Asian creators to the table to pitch and sell their ideas.
Asian dollars are there for the taking. Crazy Rich Asians is the top grossing romantic comedy in the last ten years. It has made over $200 million at the box office. Which comes as no surprise as pretty much every Asian person I know saw Crazy Rich Asians at least three times. That’s a lot of money spent on tickets and concessions. Though maybe not so much on parking at the theater because if your Asian family is anything like mine, they would rather park half a mile away to park rather than pay $14.75 to park. Which is fine, because that’s more money you have to spend on dinner at Tank Noodle or Lao Sze Chuan after the show.
There are so many awesome Asian actors to play awesome Asian parts. Step aside, Emma Stone. Move over, Scarlett Johansson. Constance Wu and Lana Condor will be happy to take over, to take back, any Asian roles you may have been eyeballing for the sake of looking “edgy” or “cool”.
And if you’re not careful, Constance and Lana will steal a White lady role from you faster than you can read a report from the USC Annenberg School for Communication that said, as of 2016, only five percent of speaking roles went to Asian-Americans, and only one percent of lead roles in film, while White actors got 76.2 percent of lead roles.
The opportunity to present at the ASIAN awards was one I was ecstatic to accept on behalf of all Asians everywhere.
The nominees for Best Asian in an Asian role are:
Awkwafina, for stealing jewelry in Ocean’s 8, and stealing scenes in Crazy Rich Asians.
Aparna Nancherla, who manages to be funny without sexually harassing people… unlike Louis CK.
John Cho, for being a goddamn snack in general and specifically in movies such as Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, Star Trek, and Searching.
Hasan Minhaj, that hot funny dude from The Daily Show and comedy specials on Netflix I’ve been meaning to watch.
Sandra Oh, who you know as the Canadian-American superstar of Grey’s Anatomy and Killing Eve.
And the winner is…
Excuse me, the ASIAN goes to… what? WHAT?! Me? But I wasn’t even nominated! This must be the mistake!
Well, even if it is, none of the other nominees are here so let me accept it before Scarlett Johansson tries to take it away from me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Or, xie xie, arigatōgozaimashita, and salamat.
I would say it was an incredible privilege to be nominated, but I wasn’t actually honored so I don’t know what that feels like. I simply won. I’m pretty sure, however, that winning this award beats the pants off not winning it.
I know I stand here as a singular example of Asian excellence, but I didn’t get here on my own. I have so many people to thank:
My hard-ass Asian immigrant parents, for crushing my childhood dreams of being an actor so in adulthood I scratch that itch by making audiences such as yourselves listen to me read personal essays about… my hard-ass Asian immigrant parents who crushed my childhood dreams.
Those White actors who were only too happy to put on yellowface, and therefore set a horrific precedent for Asian representation in Hollywood. Thank you for setting the bar so low that we Asians don’t have to exert ourselves to clear it!
Asian-American actors and movie stars like Anna May Wong, Keye Luke, Pat Morita, Mindy Kaling, Constance Wu, Hudson Yang, Kumail Nanjiani, Lisa Lu, Danny Pudi, Rosalind Chao, Lauren Tom, Tamlyn Tomita, Kunal Nayyar, the goddess Ming-Na Wen, Sendhil Ramamurthy, Randall Park, Naveen Andrews, BD Wong, Harry Shum, Jr., Kal Penn, Ali Wong. Lou Diamond Phillips. Amy Hill. Ken Jeong. Lucy Liu.
THE OG MARGARET MOTHERFUCKING CHO.
THE LEGEND BRUCE LEE.
So to be singled out as the best Asian in a field of exemplary Asians is an honor. An honor that I totally deserve.
I work super hard at being Asian. Literal years have been devoted to the study and practice of becoming the Asian I always wanted to be. That I always knew I could be. An Asian you rarely, if ever see, on the big screen.
And it was not easy to be this Asian. I struggled the entire way. It was a seemingly impossible feat to imagine myself as a positive Asian role model and icon when there were so few for me to emulate.
Before To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’s Lara Jean Covey we had Long Duck Dong from Sixteen Candles.
Before Rachel Chu from Crazy Rich Asians, there was… Miss Saigon? Seriously? Is that all?
Oh for fucks’ sake.
I take the responsibility of being a realistic Asian, instead of a perfect role model for little Asians everywhere, very seriously.
I know you’re out there. I can see you. Clenching a violin in your sweaty hands, or taking a practice LSAT. You’re thinking “I don’t want to be a perfect Asian, whatever that means. I want to be a real Asian. I want to be myself. Just like Jasmine.”
It’s October. Filipino American History Month, coincidentally. So I am sorry that the warm, giddy days of Asian August are over. But join me in relishing the start of Asian autumn. And all the Asian seasons that come after.
In the words of my fellow nominee Sandra Oh at this years Emmys, “It’s an honor just to be Asian.”
Thank you, and good night.
This is a slightly revised version of an essay I read at The Skewer’s October show at Cafe Mustache.