American Civil War 2.0: The Farce Offensive

Coming this Christmas to a Television Near You

So, some politicians want us to start killing each other.

How do we feel about that? Are we going to take the bait? It’s the end of democracy as we know it. Destroyed by a toddler’s temper tantrum.

On one side, we have those who have been tuned into their own frequency of reality for 4–25 years, marinating their brains in an orange toxic spew to get them nice and mushy, ready to accept some fuzzy math in 2020. They have more of the guns, but are a little vision impaired by the massive amounts of orange soda they’ve been consuming.

The foot soldiers of the other side consist of the flabbergasted, incensed, and insulted hashtag social justice warriors of the next generation who can’t believe that they are being called to war to defend American democracy (which, ipso facto is already dead if this war occurs) from a group of flag waving pseudo-patriots that can’t quite grasp the fundamentals of math due to being drunk on orange soda who are demanding theocratic fascism.

Even the factions seem disingenuous to me.

What would these two groups do if 80% of the country refuses to participate in their civil war? What if we collectively flip them the bird and go about our daily business? Would they shoot around us?

Many if not most people have tuned out of the ever amplified rhetoric from the political classes to protect their own mental health and the integrity of the love they have for their family. They don’t like the apocalyptic goon squad who has been mesmerizing themselves into a frenzy, believing there must be a war coming to prepare the way for white Jesus to return.

They’ve been aching for war for a long time fanning the flames of discord on any potential front. The 80%’ers are also not very fond of the self-righteous PC police squad regulating their speech on the other side. In fact, if these two groups really want to kill each other can’t we fly them off to some venue in the middle of Alaska where they can duke it out without anyone else getting hurt? We promise we’ll watch your civil war on pay-per-view.

I don’t like the idea of being forced to chose sides to defend an already broken democracy.

Have we been insulting the intelligence of the Red-Orange tribe too long to the point that they are ready to start using the guns they’ve been stockpiling for years? We all know that bullets beat brains every time in a physical battle. Really, we thought you were better than that. That’s why we let you buy so many guns in the first place. Do you think we’d actually let you stockpile weaponry if we thought for a moment that you’d turn them on Uncle Bob and Aunt May?

Can’t you at least wait for someone competent to rally behind for your Armageddon? Some of us 80%’ers who don’t feel like dying yet might be persuaded to join your cause if it weren’t for the incompetent buffoonery of your anointed Dear Leader. Why now? Is white Jesus on a tight schedule?

Either way, democracy is dead in the water. Can’t we just sit this one out? Some of us are just beginning to get our footing under us in this life thing. Do we really have to start the death thing now?

Let us sleep and dream a little longer, pretending that our dear democracy is alive and well.

Don’t force us into choosing sides in a fake holy war. Besides, your factions are all screwed up. The final war should be between those who support the inherent rights of people to live with their God given freewill versus those who want to manipulate, subjugate, and control others, forcing them to give up their God given freewill.

Your Red-Orange versus Blue-Green tribes although colorful and loud just doesn’t suit my taste for a true war of Good vs. Evil that you so crave. So, if you don’t mind, let this war be fought out in the courts or if necessary, by the secret service.

Then, perhaps early next year, we can sit down and have a long, respectful and civil discussion about your plans for everyone and how everyone would just rather not participate. Thanks for the invitation though.