America, Who Are We Now?

Nation not welcome on international vacations

America, have you changed or have you remained the same? I feel like you’re that kid I went to school with whom I had a lot of opinions about, but didn’t know very well.

So, when I saw you on the news getting arrested for some crazy crime, I thought, “Huh? That doesn’t sound like the America I remember.” But, then again, did I know you, America? Or just by reputation?

I grew up during the time of The Ugly American. Hell, who didn’t? When I traveled, I preferred a Canadian maple leaf patch on my knapsack over the American flag. I felt safer traveling as a Canadian. People didn’t hate Canadians.

I worked on my Canadian pronunciation making the letter O sound less American. This was easy since my people launched from Minnesota, which resembles the Canadian O.

I remember being massively relieved when I heard Australian and German travelers were as obnoxious as American travelers. I felt the target on my back shrink, not being the sole asshole tourist country.

I heard Germans spoke as though they were carrying megaphones. They stayed up all night drinking and singing until the booze sank through the roots of their blond manes. Aussies, I was told, were quick to show their breasts for free marmite, but I’m pretty sure that came from a man scorned.

What I concluded, however, was that we, Americans, Aussies, and Germans, were like the triad of traveling frat boy countries. We showed up in a country and the rest of the world “Ugg-ed.”

When I was a pre-teen, I remember how we Americans were so proud that other countries worshipped and imitated our Coca Cola fashion. Everyone wanted to look like us. We were so brazen; we thought we invented Coca-Cola. Hubris man. Wait, did we invent Coca-Cola?

I remember thinking in college that looking like an American was like having a blurry origin photo. It’s so funny we're always asking other people where they’re from when we’re like this potluck, all-you-can-eat buffet, combo-platter of features. I think we’re jealous we don’t look like anywhere.

But when we became this massive embarrassment globally, it made me wonder if we changed at all. Or, have we always been this way, but the social unrest burned off our camouflage?

Land of the free. Home of the brave. Should we keep being proud no matter who we’ve become? Is feeling like a winner without actually winning anything what it means to be American? Yikes. I hope not. But if it is, start practicing your Canadian O’s before you get on an international flight.