America, Land of the Loud

Five tips to lower the volume and make real connections

In other parts of the world, as umair haque would attest, Americans are often viewed as brash, belligerent and primarily interested in themselves.

Can we argue with this characterization? Even if we claim the caricature is somehow overstated (it’s not), this argument will never convince someone who has already passed judgement.

For many years, we have imposed ourselves on foreign nations during business trips and vacations — somehow convinced that the locals will understand us if we just demand our ketchup-slathered burgers more loudly.

I can tell you with certainty that I argued very loudly in a pub in Amsterdam after Albanians told me that I represented everything they hated about then president George Bush. It didn’t seem to matter that I had just written a paper comparing his post-9/11 rhetoric to fascism. There was no room for nuance between drunken strangers that Saturday night.

My cardinal sin? I had removed a DJ poster from the wall to take home as a souvenir. I didn’t see the problem. There were probably a hundred stapled to the wall, one on top of the other. The issue I failed to grasp was my mistaken assumption that souvenirs were on the menu, not my explanation or the poster itself. My self-centered intentions spoke more loudly than my words.

I’m convinced that the global view of America is more than just a caricature. From boardrooms to she sheds and nearly everywhere in between, America has a communication problem. Everyone wants to talk, and no one wants to listen.

Maybe I could have listened more closely to the Albanians instead of denying their opinion in self-righteous anger. Instead, I needed to learn some difficult lessons in the land of Corporate America and my life as a serial monogamist.

Speaking of which, let me ask you a question: What do you think our top four most common relationship phrases are?

“I love you” is number one. Any guess about the other three?

“You’re not listening!”

“Let me finish!”

“That’s not what I said!”

In “You’re Not Listening,” Kate Murphy lists these three as the next most common refrains. Their prevalence is sad, but it rings true. I know that I’ve said them in the heat of the moment many, many times.

“In modern life, we are encouraged to listen to our hearts, listen to our inner voices, and listen to our guest, but rarely are we encouraged to listen carefully and with intent to other people,” writes Murphy. “Instead, we are engaged in a dialogue of the deaf, often talking over one another at cocktail parties, work meetings and even family dinners; groomed as we are to lead the conversation rather than follow it. Online and in person, it’s all about defining yourself, shaping the narrative and staying on message. Value is placed on what you project, not what you absorb.”

America has a listening problem. Everyone is chomping at the bit to get the next word in edgewise. Silence is impatiently framed as meek or uncomfortable, almost even an existential threat.

This is a trend that I’ve noticed throughout my career, and it made me very uncomfortable. While I can be very outgoing and sociable when I need to, I think it was a forced adaptation when I began to rise in public relations agencies. There doesn’t appear to be much room for careful, patient thought in corporate America.

“We live with a value system that I call the Extrovert Ideal — the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha and comfortable in the spotlight,” writes “Quiet” author Susan Cain, “Quiet,” her exploration of the Extrovert Ideal and the quiet power of introverts. “The archetypal extrovert prefers action to contemplation, risk taking to heed-taking, certainty to doubt. He favors quick decisions, even at the risk of being wrong.”

America is well known around the world as one of the most extroverted nations, but studies reveal that as many as one in two of us are actually introverts. If we want to make the best decisions in business, relationships and life, we need to listen to those who may not yell quite as loudly as ourselves.

Here are five thoughts to help turn down the volume and open up your ears.

1. Silence does not equal weakness

In many business meetings, he who talks the loudest and most often seems to reign as king of the castle, brushing aside the careful, deliberate thought of introverts and forcing the decision in his favor.

As if through agency osmosis, I learned to leap through a tiny sliver of any open window in conversation, elevate my voice, drown out everyone else and machine gun my way to a unanimous consensus. I was taught that agency advisors needed to inspire trust and confidence and, to do that, meant zero hesitation, decisive judgements and charming charisma.

“The Extrovert Ideal has been documented in many studies, though this research has never been grouped under a single name. Talkative people, for example, are rated as smarter, better looking, more interesting, and more desirable as friends,” writes Cain. “Velocity of speech counts as well as volume: we rank fast talkers as more competent and likable than slow ones. The same dynamics apply in groups, where research shows that the voluble are considered smarter than the reticent — even though there’s zero correlation between the gift of gab and good ideas.”

While I was taught by many that silence is for the meek, introverts’ cautious demeanor should actually be viewed as an asset, as they are particularly good at identifying risks. Indeed, Cain notes that many of their warnings in the financial services industry were waved off by overly aggressive extroverts in the lead up to the subprime mortgage crisis.

While their tendency to talk over colleagues can leave them feeling slighted and unheard, extroverts who are dead set on getting their way may also mock and belittle the ideas of others. This kind of bully oriented behavior simply does not support a diversity of thought and development of the best ideas.

2. Don’t Make Assumptions

We all know that assumptions lead to mistakes, but it’s actually more of a problem than just disregarding the other person’s point of view. In business as in relationships, making assumptions tends to lead to cognitive bias, which can lead to deeper conflicts.

“What happens is we meet someone who fits into one of our mental rubrics — maybe it has to do with gender, race, sexual preference, religion, profession or appearance — and we immediately think we know them or at least certain aspects of them,” writes Murphy. “It’s a reflexive mental tendency that gives you the illusion of understanding and, hence, lessens your curiosity and motivation to listen. Without realizing it, you start listening selectively, hearing only what fits your perceived notions. Or you might even behave in ways that get me to confirm your expectations.”

This also happens when people grow familiar with each other over the course of long-term relationships. Once you’ve decided that you know what the other person is thinking, it’s not that you stop listening entirely. Instead, you listen for only what supports your existing belief, cherry picking just what you need. Once the miscommunication actually occurs, you will default back to those statements as evidence that your interpretation was right, potentially leading to drawn out arguments.

3. Always Be Patient

“Urgent.” “I need it now.” “ASAP.” “Open Immediately.” “Right Away.” [sigh]

Maybe it’s because I lost a decade sprinting for agencies or I’m just getting older, but I don’t understand why everything seems to be on fire. Maybe the tactics of the “attention economy” for online eyeballs have primed everyone to move as fast as possible…

“If someone tells a story that takes longer than thirty seconds, heads bow, not in contemplation but to read texts, check sports scores and see what’s trending online. The ability to listen to anyone has been replaced by the capacity to shut out everyone, particularly those who disagree with us or don’t get to the point fast enough,” writes Murphy

Just because you’re in the habit of running fast does not then mean that everyone around you is ready, willing, able or even available to strap on their running shoes and stride at your pace. Rushing people to make them talk or work faster is not going to deliver positive results.

Like many introverts and detail-oriented employees, I like to spend time in careful, deliberative thought. Not everyone is comfortable making rapid-fire decisions — so don’t force that on them. We all adapt to the communication styles of those around us. If extroverts consistently steamroll over more thoughtful introverts, those people will begin to avoid speaking up in their presence.

You may have noticed this in your personal relationships. When conflict arises, one person may tend to lash out while the other person shuts down. I’ve spent time on both ends of the spectrum. In my case, shutting down is usually an attempt to protect myself and prevent the pain of being harshly judged or intentionally ignored.

If you take the time learn every employee’s communication style, you can structure meetings and feedback sessions in such a way that allows everyone to flourish.

4. Don’t Just Look the Part

If you’ve ever worked in Corporate America, you know that appearances can be deceiving. Policies can be created (but not enforced) so that companies can point to them in their defense when an inevitable lawsuit arises. “Look here — we put it in the employee handbook.”

In my experience, “management training” is a good example of something that has quite a wide range of substance and rigor. From my perspective as a manager, the effective management of staff involves much more than appearances and demonstrations of authority and power. Productive manager-employee relationships encourage open dialogue, foster trust and enable growth by each party. All of this is only possible if both parties really listen to each other.

“Perhaps because active listening sounds so appealingly dynamic, the term has been widely adopted in the business world, but without much understanding of its meaning. Indeed, the definition of active listening in the employee handbook of a Fortune 500 consumer products company (given to me by a management trainee who was told during his performance review that he needed to work on his active listening) said nothing about interpreting feelings but focused instead on things like not appearing arrogant and keeping your lips pressed together while someone else is talking so you don’t give the impression that you’re about to cut in. The emphasis was on what an active listener looks like rather than what an active listener actually does,” explains Murphy.

5. Be an Active Listener (really)

“I hear the words, the thoughts, the feeling tones, the personal meaning, even the meaning that is below the conscious intent of the speaker.” — Carl Rogers, American psychologist

When you’re listening actively, there is no cell phone alert checking, email scrolling, no taking sudden calls, no waving to passersby, no eyes darting to the clock.

Active listening requires a mindful and focused approach. It doesn’t matter how clever you may think you are — if your attention is divided, the other person will know. And if you appear distracted, the other person simply will not engage as fully.

As patient-centered therapy founder Rogers makes clear, the key element of real active listening is listening for the intent of the speaker, to hear the meaning beneath the words. If you can’t suss out the intention at first, ask thoughtful probing questions to try to understand where other people are coming from. Thoughtful and educated questions prove that you are really listening, and this validation can go a long way in our talkative world.

In fact, why don’t you try right now?

Maybe a good place to start is with your most introverted employee. Block out some alone time in a quiet and warm environment, kill all the distractions and try to identify how they work best.

###