America (First), Fuck Yeah! | Thunderbirds
Trump Would Hate a Real Life International Rescue
I mean, who are these clowns anyway? They’re not Americans. They’re not from anywhere. We think…we THINK…they might be hiding out in the Pacific Ocean, but no one knows. No one really knows.
Britain’s Prime Minister said…and I agree with this 100%…she said if you’re a citizen of the world, you‘re a citizen of nowhere. And that’s absolutely true. They’re not Americans, they’re not Europeans, there’s not Australians. They’re gypsies, folks. They’re gypsies. And I know that a lot of technology companies out in Silicon Valley look up to these guys. And the TED talk people, you know the people that watch those videos? You know what I’m talking about. Those videos that talk about, “oh, we’re going to change the world and feed everyone and everything’s going to be perfect”. Listen, folks. These guys don’t do it for free. They don’t. They get lots and lots of money from the United Nations and the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund. You think those rocket ships are cheap? And you can’t save everybody. You can’t save everybody. That’s why I cut aid spending to Africa when I was president. We have hungry people here, and you can’t save everybody. We need to focus on OUR COUNTRY. America first, folks.
And why did they leave? Why did the Tracys leave America and build an island compound in the middle of the ocean? Don’t they love their country? Why didn’t they share their rocket ship designs with us? These people didn’t put America first. Like I said when I was president, there’s no such thing as a global flag. And these guys didn’t serve their country. Those machines would be very powerful military weapons. That’s what we needed them for. To help protect our country, not try to save every ship full of scientists that gets hit by lighting.
— Donald Trump on “The Trump Hour”, TRUMPtv
American kids are a violent bunch. G.I. Joe. Centurions. M.A.S.K. Spiral Zone. The plastic heroes of our youth were all about combat, guns, and fighting bad guys. Sure there was a sense of saving the world, but not really rescuing people. Just putting people out of harm’s way by “beating” the villains. American TV would never have green-lit the Thunderbirds. Any TV exec that OK’d a show about saving people from natural disasters and technical glitches would have been fired, beaten, and shot. We blow stuff up! We punch bad guys! Thunderbirds may have had some espionage action in the mix, but not having guns is just Un-American. Especially when they’re free to fly over Africa and the rest of Not-America with impunity.
Some people think that if we BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF THE BAD GUYS, there won’t be any bad guys left to cause suffering anymore. And if the suffering in question is caused by drought or famine, neither of which are products of human activity, then I guess that’s just God’s will.
Enter “The New Mean”. The Alt-Righters, Nationalists, and anti-intellectual Conservatives who do not care about humanitarian aid or social justice or income inequality. They want to be first, whatever that means. And if the hippies don’t like it, fuck ‘em! The New Mean won fair and square.
So, no humanitarian aid! No NASA! No EPA! Die, hippie scum! And stay dead! Citizens of the world are just hobos with money. Because if you don’t have a nation to call home, you’re not really a person.
Oh, yeah. I forgot about the game. It’s good. Buy it. In fact, in light of our current political reality, I’ve created a variant to reflect this new cynical worldview.
The “Total Douchebag” Variant
In this variant, the Tracy family is made up of egotistical show-boaters, and so are the hired help. Like TEDsters with enough money to not give a fuck and are really in it for the fame and sex.
In this variant, there’s only one winner. Players keep the Disaster and Scheme cards instead of discarding them. Once the Hood’s Schemes have been defeated, total up each player’s score according to the “If You Lose” scoring system. You get 10 points for each Disaster you avert, and 20 points for each Scheme you defeat on your turn. If anyone helped you, too bad for them. The member of International Rescue with the most points wins the game.
Remember that you still have to ask a player if you can transfer their character, but you don’t have to offer. You can leave their ass wherever. You can even kick ’em out between Actions!
It’s basically the same game, but because there’s only one winner, players constantly risk losing the whole game because everyone’s trying to screw everyone else. This is maddening as you circle the Schemes that require multiple players. If you assist, you lose the points. But if you don’t, you lose the game anyway.