Am I Wrong to Worry About My Son Adopting a Special Needs Child?

I’ve heard horror stories about foreign adoptions

My son texted me early this morning. “I think we’ve been approved for the adoption!”

My thoughts were a mixture of joy and apprehensiveness. I had already asked them if they were sure this was what they wanted. “It will change your life completely. Are you prepared for that?” I asked when they told me about Angelica.*

They began the process for a foreign adoption over a year ago, and they have spent a lot of money with the adoption agency. “Better to lose your money and walk away if you’re not completely sure,” I warned. But they assured me they were excited and wanted to proceed.

The Pitfalls of Adopting Through Foster Care

They tried to adopt locally through the foster care system, but it got to be too problematic dealing with parents. There is heartache when a child is returned to a parent, only to be bounced back into foster care.

Another concern is threats from unstable parents. At one court hearing my son was confronted by the angry “baby daddy.” He was upset with my son for taking care of his children, although he had broken the baby’s arm and was prone to rages.

Another one of my children adopted three children from foster care. Before this, she took care of two siblings for two years, then a judge suddenly returned them to their biological mother.

My heartbroken daughter vowed she would not foster children again, but within a month, a social worker begged her to accept two siblings. “You’re the only foster parents in our system who take siblings. If you don’t take them, they’ll have to be separated,” the social worker said.

My daughter and her husband relented. Two years later, after the mother gave up her parental rights (the father, who had never contributed any child support, was in prison), they adopted the siblings.

This has been challenging, because children adopted from foster care often have issues related to early abuse. But through determination and love, these issues are being worked out. The children are a precious addition to our family.

For all these reasons, my son and his wife decided working through the foster care system wasn’t worth it. They opted, instead, for a foreign adoption.

Foreign Adoption Horror Stories

I’ve heard horror stories about foreign adoptions. One family adopted a child who ended up being a danger to the family. No amount of counseling or special resources could overcome the early abuse inflicted on this child.

My son and daughter-in-law have heard these stories, so they went into this with their eyes open.

“Why do you want to adopt?” I asked when they began the process. “You both work and you’ve already got three children to keep you busy.”

“Since I was fourteen, it’s been a dream of mine to adopt a child who needed a home,” my daughter-in-law replied.

One thing I’ve discovered about my daughter-in-law is that when she sets her mind on something, she gets it.

She wanted to be a dentist but didn’t have the money for dental school, so she joined the Army and they paid for her education. When she completed her service with the Army, she decided she wanted to specialize. She attended special training, despite having three children and a job.

My son, who is just as tenacious as his wife, is fully on board with the adoption. And when my son decides something, nothing will change his mind.

Finally, after more than a year of going through the process, they have an opportunity to adopt a child who is neurologically damaged from shaken baby syndrome and physically challenged because her parents broke her legs when she was an infant. She was removed from her home when she was a few months old and has been in state care ever since.

The Challenges of a Special Needs Child

There is another reason I am concerned about my son and his wife adopting a special needs child. My other son has a child who is severely autistic. A teenager now, the autistic child is nonverbal and will wander off if there is an unlocked door or an open window.

The family can’t go anywhere. They have to keep their doors locked and bolted. They don’t lead a normal family life, although I am impressed by their love, acceptance, and joy. Their other three children have developed a heightened sense of empathy and an unusual closeness with each other. Otherwise, I don’t know how they would cope.

“Have you seen how much your brother’s life is curtailed by having a special needs child? Are you ready for that?” I asked my son. He said he was. He is excited about the opportunity to love this child.

My daughter-in-law has already looked into physical therapy and other resources to help Angelica reach her fullest potential.

They sent me videos of Angelica, a little girl who is nonverbal and not walking at three years old. But she is smiling and laughing as she crawls after a ball and stretches out her arms to be picked up.

It’s heart wrenching to think of the parental abuse inflicted on children around the world. Beautiful children, born with so much potential, suffer irreparable harm from the people who are supposed to love them the most.

But I believe, as do my children, that each person on this earth is created by God with inestimable value. Everyone deserves to be loved.

If they adopt Angelica, she will be my thirteenth grandchild. Some are adopted, some are biological, some have special needs, and they are a melting pot of different ethnic backgrounds. But they all have one thing in common. They are precious, and they need love.

Please wish my children well as they face the challenges and opportunities they have decided to embrace.

• Angelica is not her real name.

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