Am I High Or Are Those Kittens?
Was I hallucinating?
I’ve been getting stoned for fourteen years so I consider myself an expert. In that amount of time, I’ve accumulated quite a few stoner stories.
Once, I woke up, saw it was nine o’clock, and immediately thought I was late for work. I frantically texted my boss telling him how sorry I was and that I would be in as soon as I could. It was immediately after sending that text with my pants half-on that I realized that it was nine o’clock PM not AM. I was relieved but I knew how much shit I was going to get at work the next day for that mix-up. My favorite story though is the one day I thought I was hallucinating kittens.
Bong Rips And Edibles Don’t Mix
Every great stoner story starts with getting completely ripped. My girlfriend and I had decided to take some edibles. We had had edibles before so we had an idea of what we were getting into. About an hour into the experience I still hadn’t felt anything.
So I looked at Julie and asked her if she had felt anything. We both agreed that these edibles must have been dead on arrival. She had gotten them as freebies through her work so we weren’t out any money.
We decided to just cut our losses and pack the bong up with some good shit. We even added some kief on top to spice things up. We are both heavyweights when it comes to the plant so one bowl between the both of us wouldn’t cut it.
We smoked another bowl and we were both feeling pretty good. I was making funny jokes about the youtube video we were watching, then it happens. The gummies we took a few hours earlier started to hit.
If you haven’t ever taken an edible before it’s a different type of high than just smoking it. It takes longer for the edible to take effect but when it does you better be in a place where you aren’t operating heavy machinery. It’s a more intense long-lasting high. When we felt the gummies taking over our brains we knew it was too late. We were already pretty baked from the bong rips.
We were fucked.
Are Those Kittens?
While our brains were slowly melting into themselves I started to hear things. The sounds were coming from underneath our trailer.
“Mew, mew, *scratching*, Mew”.
I wasn’t sure if my ears had been transported to another dimension with my brain or if it was real, so I ignored it. We continued having a great time chained to the couch and consuming truckloads of Doritos. Then, my dogs started going ape-shit. They were convinced something was coming from the vent. Normally when our dogs bark, we just ignore it because it’s almost always nothing.
These dogs wouldn’t calm down. No amount of consoling was able to break them from barking at the vents. So I put them in their crates and didn’t think twice about it. I melted back into my chair like butter in a hot skillet. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move. My eyes slowly moved towards where the movement was coming from.
The vent the dogs had been barking at had slowly started to move up. It looked like a furry man was coming out of a manhole cover that was my heating vent. I looked at Julie and asked, “Are you seeing this shit?” She looked over and said, “Yeah, what is that!?” As she finished her sentence a small kitten popped out of the heating duct.
It ran towards Julie and went under her feet. Then another kitten scurried out from the vent and this time it chose me. I had to be hallucinating. There’s no way kittens had just done a Die-Hard to my house. Before we knew it five kittens had popped out of the vent and were roaming our house.
My House Was Being Invaded
I absolutely despise cats. They are the most self-centered pet an owner can have. They terrorize our dogs and attack our livestock birds. Jonah Jameson would think they are more of a menace than Spider-Man.
I had to get rid of them.
Julie told me I was being cruel but we couldn’t keep them in the house. Our full-grown german shepherd would make chew toys out of them. To me, that’s crueler than leaving them out in the wild where they belong.
After a few minutes of them being outside, I heard the noise again. I blocked the vent with a heavy box and thought to myself “Let’s see you get in here now you little bastards.” Remember, I’m pretty stoned. They start pouring through a different vent and into the house. My house was being invaded by kittens trying to stay warm.
I was at war.
After putting them back outside a second time I was ready for the next wave. I placed anything heavy I could find on top of the vents. It was like I was creating barricades to fight off the nazis. I sat back and waited for the little shits to try it a third time.
Sure enough, they came back. This time they figured out their attempt had been foiled. In an act of defiance, they meowed their little heads off wanting us to let them in and give them sanctuary. While the kitten invasion had been avoided, I knew I would have to figure out where the hole in the vents was in the morning.
The Aftermath Of Our War
This meant I would need to suit up and go under the house which I was reluctant to do. I was worried about what I was going to run into under there. A raccoon? A pissed-off momma cat? I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of either. Julie told me she would help me replace all of the metal skirting around the house so they couldn’t have a repeat performance the following night.
We looked like we were going into an active radiation zone. Once we were under the house, it didn’t take us long to find their point of entry. They had made a large hole in the duct work under our house which explained why we were burning through so much wood at the time. That’s when I heard more kitten cries.
This time I knew my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. I pinpointed the sound and was able to find where all the kittens were. I handed out each one to Julie like a doctor delivering triplets. Julie took the kittens to the local animal shelter while I finished repairing the damage.
I used an aluminum plate cut to size to patch the hole. I then applied gorilla tape to keep it in place. Call me a redneck all you want. Duct tape is my go-to tool for fixing shit. Once the hole was fixed, we replaced the skirting around the entire trailer. I screwed each piece into place to make sure nothing could rip it out.
I learned a few things from this experience.
- Don’t ever mix bong rips and edibles.
- Double-check the skirting every fall.
- Kittens are little fur demons from the gates of hell.
This is my favorite stoner story to tell people. Hopefully, it made you chuckle at my expense. If you hear a noise under your house double check your vents because you never know what might be coming for you.
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