Am I Giving Up On My Marriage?

More questions than answers plague my mind.

What is the line between giving up and simply knowing what you want? Just having asked for a divorce a few weeks ago, the breakup of my marriage is in the infant stage, and my husband keeps asking me why I’m giving up. I don’t feel that I am. I have asked for changes over the past couple of years and have seen nothing improve. That was me working on things. That was my effort to let him in. That was me offering him an opportunity to fix his habits that make me feel neglected and alone.

Was I supposed to be aware of that and tell him as well?

Why is the onus on me to be that explicit and to have all the answers?

Where does my responsibility end, and his responsibility to just simply fucking pay attention begin? Please, explain that to me.

He wants to know why I’m giving up. It is the incessant question that dominates all of our attempts to communicate.

Is this me giving up?

Or is it me recognizing that he is not capable of giving me the things I require at this point in my life?

Is it also me recognizing that I no longer have any desire to give him…any part of me whatsoever?

Is this his excuse and method for dodging any ownership? I believe it is.

How do we know the difference between giving up on someone, on a relationship, versus simply seeking out the life of which we know we are worthy?

Someone define what “enough communication” looks like.

Wouldn’t that be different for everyone?

Everyone says to follow your heart, don’t let people deny you of your destiny, blah blah blah.

Sometimes that requires real change.

The same people posting these inspirational quotes on social media are the ones telling me I’m not living up to my vows. As if they even knew what my vows consisted of in the first place.

What about my vows to…myself?

If I’m this sure I’d rather go it alone, as a pregnant mother of two, isn’t that all the proof we need?

All the proof I need, really.

I suppose this is the sort of life event that pushes people to run out of fucks to give. To not care about anyone's opinion.

Never assume you’re too old to learn something.

I’m in the middle of my hardest life lesson to date, and I look up to those of you who have gone before me.

Isn’t my sustained unhappiness just…enough?

Shouldn’t it be?

I’m no longer willing to compromise my happiness, my self-worth, so everyone around me can be…comfortable. Comfortable with the status quo, I protect them from having to face change by offering myself as the sacrificial lamb.

Would you ask your best friend to do that?

I’m someone's best friend.

I’m someone's daughter.

I’m someone's lover.

I just checked my purse and realized I’m all out of fucks.

So, I shall be giving none going forward.

Thank you for taking the time to learn about a piece of me. Feel free to explore my profile to learn about more of the pieces which make me whole. 18+ only.