Am I Enough?
My eyes open to the sunlight piercing through my windows
Every morning my mind asks the question “Am I enough?”
Am I doing enough in this life?
Am I doing enough for my family? Could I be a better daughter? Was I a better daughter at some point?
Anger has consumed most of my interactions and thoughts lately. I lash out and project my emotions onto my parents because they will be there, I take advantage. I used to give them laughter and fun. In recent days I have given them one-word answers and a short temper.
I go out with my friends. We share giggles over brunch and wine but, I’m not there. My body sits there and mingles while my mind fights off my anxiety. I have become a very good actress because I’m afraid that I am no longer enough. I listen to their stories but, I have none to share. All my mind can talk about is how I wish my life were different. Friends are celebrating big events and my mind goes to “That will never be you.” I clap and hug and wish well but, I don’t feel genuine anymore.
Am I doing enough in my relationship? I’m supportive and I show love and appreciation to him. Then, I’m sad. Not from him, but my circumstances. Again, the best actress goes to. Tears are still rolling from the eyes as he calls me. I answer in an exhilarated way to erase the hours of crying from my voice. Why should I burden him with my grief of a life that once was? Everyone has gone through hell and back from this pandemic. Why should I matter? Am I enough for him? Does he deserve a sad girlfriend? One that he must ask “Is everything okay?” every other day. I cry out on my way to his house just in time to whip away my emotional baggage and be lovable.
Am I doing enough for work? My union is still deciding if it’s safe to go back to work. My start date hangs in the air of uncertainty. I haven’t even bothered to look at Google Classroom. Even thinking about virtual learning makes my heart sink. That feeling of having no purpose creeps in on me again. Teaching is my passion in life but, online it fades away. Going with in-person teaching brings in a load of health risks. I could be fine but, what will bring home to my parents? I have no desire to even plan for the first day of school because when is it? Where will it take place? How will my students feel? How will I feel? Will I be enough for them? I’ll be fighting my demons while trying to encourage them to cope with theirs? What if I’m not strong enough? I can’t sleep a full night anymore from the nightmares of the anxiety about what school will look like in the fall.
Am I doing enough for my body? I eat healthy for the most part and work out every day. Yet, I still look at her with embarrassment. I have not been nice to her lately. Pointing out her every flaw. Skipping some meals here and there because I don’t feel like eating. My body is full from my fear of having no control over any aspect of my life. I fear that no one cares what I have to say or feel. I should be more positive but, somehow it feels safer to be negative and angry. Perhaps my body does that to prepare me for disappointment. I feel as though my body is going through the motions of this life as my mind is out searching for another one.
My soul knows I’m meant for more in this life. I felt her long ago. A woman who made a difference. A woman who had a purpose. A woman who would bring laughter and loyalty into people’s lives. The advice column for friends. The decision-maker. Ah, she was a woman who knew what she wanted and took it. A woman who knew she was God’s gift to the man she chose to share her life with. A woman who was ready to take on the world sharing her power of conversation.
Where did she go? I knew she was enough. Now I don’t want to talk. Now I feel like my words aren’t enough anymore because they aren’t real. Just a script I use to hold back the dark thoughts. Am I enough? I feel as though I’m the shell of the woman I used to be. My soul is in a cage that is guarded heavily by fear and anxiety.
She fights her way out some days. I feel her. She comes out sunny mornings as I read outside. She comes out when my boyfriend makes me laugh as if it was his mission in life. He makes me smile as we hug tight. I feel my soul, the true woman from years ago break away, as I share dinner with my family and we exchange memories of our incredible past. That amazing woman pops out when I’m 2 glasses of white wine in and my body feels less heavy. As I sit with my friends we are laughing so loud we can’t control our breaths. We laugh of boys, work, and the “tea”. My soul beams as I read old letters from students sharing how I left a positive impact on their life. That’s it there’s my purpose. That’s when I feel like I’m enough. Those moments.
Will I feel like I’m enough every morning the sun rises through my curtains? Realistically no. But, I’ll always know I am enough when I think of those moments. We all struggle with this notion of “Am I enough?” Well honey, are you here? Then, yes you are. You may not know how much you mean to someone. To someone, you are enough. Even when you don’t feel it yourself. If you are here in this life, you are enough. You are doing enough with what you have. That’s the best anyone can truly do especially in times like this.
Do you know what’s interesting? At the start of this story boy, I felt like a failure. As I started writing more, you know who peaked out? My soul, that woman I was telling you about. She’s telling me now to tell ya’ll something. You are worthy, you are enough, you are going to work through it. It’s okay to feel hard emotions. Acknowledge them. Okay now, what? Take action. Do something that makes you feel like you’re doing enough. Call someone you love, read that book, work on that project, write that song, plant that garden, create that product. Whatever brings you joy, do it. I just did. Writing this story for you. Keep going, you are enough.
You are enough, just as you are. Each emotion you feel, everything in your life, everything you do or do not do…where you are and who you are right now is enough. It is perfect. You are perfect enough — Melanie Jade
