Am I Crazy for Choosing an Almost Impossible Love?

I am currently living an impossible love. Well, not impossible, but a very difficult and distant one. On a global pandemic, I have fallen in love with a married woman from a different country. It may sound silly, but we “met” online and at first, we only exchanged a few random words.

I did not know anything about her and I didn’t even know how she looked like, at first. I’ve read the first things about her in a blog interview, but the photo from the article was random. And I didn’t know it was random!

Everything was fine back then, I couldn’t imagine that I would fall in love like this. I thought of myself that I am a rational man, not the type that fells in love on the internet.

But the more we talked, the more things we’ve discovered about one another. We both love writing, we have similar moral values, but we have different personalities and skills. Both of us have good social skills and we communicate very well. And we are both alphas and stubborn, with big egos, but we get along, despite this.

While I am rational most of the time, she is a dreamer. I like technical stuff and I am good with computers, while she has a strong artistical side.

I am very ambitious and always set up high goals, but I honestly don’t how I will manage to achieve this goal. For us to be together, I have to work my ass off and do some Cisco courses, learn a new language, and find a way to earn some money as if I were a nomad.

The plan was that I move with her, not necessarily in the same house at first, but this means that I have to sort my shit up before I can make this step. And it’s difficult and overwhelming. My 9-to-6 job is squeezing me of all my energy and it’s very difficult to learn new things and work after I finish my day job, you know? But I am a fighter and I always was. I can do this and I can win this.

When it’s difficult, I always remember what Lao Tzu said:

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Sometimes, I feel like Rocky when he was preparing the fight against Apollo Creed. The first fight, when Rocky was nobody and Apollo was the heavyweight champion.

On the other side, she has a husband that does not make her happy and kids, which she cares about a lot. Her current situation does not allow us to chat too much, so I have to free up my schedule whenever she is available to chat.

The real struggle is that everything seems so difficult and distant at the moment. Is it worth all this effort? And I am not the only one that has to do changes and to break out of the comfort zone. She has to get out of her marriage without affecting the kids and she needs to get a job to be able to pay the bills on herself.

But is this worth it? It’s not easy for me to know that one day I will leave everything behind and move to another country and it’s not easy for her either, to do all those things and wait until both of us will be ready.

I know for sure that I want to be with her because of a lot of reasons. She is smart and funny, we get along very well and she is competitive and with a big ego. I love it when people challenge me and life with her would be a constant challenge. A challenge for me to become better.

I hate it when she outperforms me and beats me at things with my weapons, but honestly, I am glad it happens this way. This is making me want more for myself. And this is making me want her even more.

It would have been easier if we could meet in person, but the virus and the restrictions fucked us over. It’s like the universe is testing us and provoking us to become the persons we need to be, but this is difficult as hell.

How the fuck should I work from 9-to-6, learn from 7-to-10, and work again, from 10-to-bedtime? For the next two years or so. Sometimes, I feel like I am Atlas, the Greek god that had to hold the sky on his shoulders.

But after these moments pass away, I get constant reminders that I want all of this. And everything I have to do is worth the price. Everything! I want to be with her with all my heart. Even if this means learning dutch, leaving everything behind, and working my ass off until I will be a little readier than I am now. I know that I will never be ready, but I will manage to succeed. I always do.

Sorry guys for making you read all this. This is more like a confession than a cry-for-help article. But telling me that I am not crazy helps, although I know for sure I am (a little) crazy.

I have written the article in the middle of a bad moment and had mixed feelings while writing. At first, I felt a little overwhelmed and transmitted that, but after the feeling disappeared I had positively continued the text. That’s the beauty of feeling, you get free rides in life’s carousel.

I will finish the text with a quote said by Tom Hanson in 500 Days of Summer:

I love how she makes me feel like anything is possible, or like life is worth it.